Final Post

I am closing this blog.  Not because I am totally and completely healed and delivered from this depression, but because I just do not want to focus solely on the depression.  I will start another blog and I'm sure the depression will show up from time to time, but it will simply be a part of who I am, not ALL of who I am.  Please feel free to join me and take part in my life, not just witness it from the sidelines.

The Wait Is Over...

I've been awaiting the arrival of our newest Princess grand-daughter and she finally arrived yesterday.  She wanted to wish her parents' a happy anniversary, so she arrived just after midnight on their special day.  She is tiny and the first of our four grands that has been born with any physical similarities to me.  She has my feet, toes, fingers, ears, forehead and coloring.  She has my son's nose and lips and her mother's eyes.  Our oldest Princess didn't look a thing like me when she was born, but she is starting to resemble me a lot more as she grows up.  That really does make me happy since neither of our sons look a thing like me, but definitely have a great deal of my temperament.  So does Princess #1...time will tell if Princess #2 will have any of my temperament. ;-D

During the wait, I have had moments of depression trying to take over, but the battle was successful and I was able to overcome the fog before it turned into darkness.  I have thoroughly enjoyed our grandson...he is such a sweet, adorable little guy with the best giggle.  It really is contagious, hard to stay blue when you hear that laugh.

I am quickly learning that I can be away from my husband for about two weeks before I start really needing to see him, have him near me and to just BE with him.  I am missing him something awful right now, but have nine days to go before I see him again.  Needing to have all my things around me again...needing to cuddle with my cats, although, our son's dogs would cuddle with me, if I weren't allergic.

Been having very realistic, weird dreams the past few nights...not sure if I should be reading something into them or just dismiss them as weird dreams...guess time will tell.

My devotions have been really good and really hitting home.  So thankful for God's Word and the way He speaks to my spirit through it. 

Guess this is it for a bit...I don't want to ramble too much and my brain cannot seem to settle on anything specific, so...later...

M.I.A.!

Yep, I guess I have been missing in action since my last post.  I thought that I would be okay after the 10th...didn't work out that way.  I have had a battle with the depression and it didn't help that even though I felt better on the 10 mg...it was making me want to sleep all the time, so I had to cut back to the 5 mg which doesn't keep me on as even a keel as the 10 mg does, but I am awake when I am supposed to be.  So, suffice it to say...the emotional battle that I was already dealing with was compounded by the change in my meds and I have truly been trying to avoid anyone and everyone possible.  That is my typical M.O.  When depression hits, I crawl into the deepest, darkest hole I can find and shut EVERYONE out.  My therapist wasn't having any of that.

Anyway...the dark is starting to lift.  I am visiting our youngest son and his family and having a great time with our grandson.  So...it may be a while before I post anything again.  I really don't have much to say in spite of all that I've been facing...I don't know what to say, everything is tied up in knots in my mind and my gut, so until I can get it figured out...

The End Of A Chapter...

This week has been rough.  Battling migraines, back spasms, swollen eyeballs, stressed out and restless nights...had a moment of deja-vu that caused me to realize exactly what the problem is.  Tomorrow is the day that the door closes on a 3 year dream.  It also brings to end a 47 year chapter of my life.  I don't deal well with change, especially changes of this magnitude.  It is no wonder that my body is having fits.

I am hoping that once tomorrow passes, all of these issues will resolve as I stop looking back and start looking forward to where God is going to lead in this new season of my life.  I am very grateful that I have a therapy session tomorrow...it is going to be a difficult day.  Thankfully, I can see again, but the pain in my head just will not let up.

I am grateful that I am beginning to recognize what is causing the pain, as well as the gloom that descends at times.  I also have discovered that the lexipro that I am on is too strong...all I want to do is sleep, so back to 5 mg for me.

Breathing A Little Easier

Last week was a really tough week.  The fog rolled in and the darkness surrounded me.  Had a moment of doubt that shook me to my core and many tears were shed.  Spent time in prayer, asking God to settle it all in my heart and mind and while nothing is actually settled...I feel peace in my spirit.  I don't have clear direction and I don't have answers, but I know that He is with me.  So I am starting out this week breathing a little easier, a lot more peaceful and looking forward to all this week has in store.  It is going to be extremely busy, but it will be a good busy.  I have been blessed abundantly and I am doing my best to focus on that.

One Step Forward...Fall Off The Cliff!

Just about the time I think I am on an even playing field...I fall off the cliff.  You would think that I would learn better by now...but not so.  Last week, I thought that I was getting oh so good at flipping those awful, pitiful moods that I was falling into...HA!  This week...I've barely been able to get out of bed.  I've been blah all week until today and I've been a puddle of tears.  I'm just sad.  My therapist says that I am exhausted physically and emotionally and he is probably right, so that doesn't help...but because of how I am feeling, I am second guessing myself on so many things.  This means that when I am supposed to be sleeping, my brain is running at warp speed, I am clinching my jaws and grinding my teeth, which causes the muscles in my neck and back to seize up, which means that I don't sleep well, if at all and that means MIGRAINES!  It is a snowball effect and I hate, REALLY HATE the end result. 

Yes, I still see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I do see an end to all of this.  I know that this too shall pass...but can it be done YESTERDAY?  Patience is NOT my strongest virtue and I truly am trying to allow patience to have her perfect work in me...but I am finding it extremely difficult to do today.

Flipping the Mood!

Or at least I am learning to flip the mood.  It took me three days last week to flip a mood.  This week has been better, it has only taken a few hours for a few of those moods.  I am grateful that I am learning.  God's Word has really spoken to my heart and helped so very much.  I do see a light at the end of the tunnel and it is getting brighter.  So happy that I can actually see that I am getting better.  Doesn't mean that hard days don't come around, but it does mean that my confidence in them not lasting is strengthened and that my trust that God will see me through brings so much peace that I truly can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.  In spite of the stressful things happening to me and all around me, I have peace and KNOW that this season too, will pass!

I Don't Always Listen So Good!

My therapist really tried hard, last Friday, to convince me not to go see family this past weekend.  He didn't feel that it would be a good thing for me, was actually afraid that it would set me back quite a ways.  Ha!  I told him flat out that I was going and that was that, then proceeded to ask if we could skip this week's session because I am low on funds.  His response to that was...NO!  Funds or no funds, be here for your appointment.  I think he was more wigged out and stressed over my upcoming visit than I was.

So...how did the visit go?  Hurtful comments started within an hour of our arrival and I responded lightly and pretty much laughed it off.  Drama started before 8:00 A.M. the next morning and the funny thing is, instead of grabbing me to vent to, my step-dad grabbed my husband.  Whew!  Close call. 

For most of the day, I was treated as a guest rather than family, so I decided to act like a guest.  If you want my help, then you can ask me, I'm not going to get up and act like part of the family and just do whatever I see needs to be done.  Amazingly, I was asked quite a few times and I cheerfully helped out.  I felt the depression trying to take over a few times, the old voices telling me how worthless I was, but I made a choice not to give in and not to listen to either.

I managed to enjoy myself and to come home without all the tension that I normally come home with.  I'm not feeling depressed and I can even laugh over the drama that took place.  I refuse to sit around, throwing myself a pity party and singing, "oh woe is me, no one loves me and I'm worthless!"  Cause the  truth is...God loves me.  My husband loves me.  My children love me.  My grands love me.  Does it really matter if anyone else does or not?  Those are the most important in my life.  Am I worthless?  No, God's word tells me that I was created in His own image, that I am a joint-heir with Christ, making me a princess to the King of kings and Lord of lords!  I will listen to the voice of truth rather than the father of lies.

Holidays? No Thanks!!!!

Since my husband retired from the military, I have come to HATE holidays.  Why?  Because it is a reminder that we no longer have friends.   In the military, everyone bands together to make sure that no one spends a holiday alone...not so in the civilian community.  Co-workers and those you go to church with don't even think about checking to see if you are going to be alone...especially, if they are from that area or have been there for a long time or have family close by.  Most people assume that because we grew up in this state, that we ought to have plans made...but we live several hours away from our families and can't just up and go spend holidays with them.  I just get depressed sitting in the house, doing nothing.  It makes me sad that we don't have any friends to do things with...I really REALLY hate being alone.  Even my long time best friend/sister wants nothing to do with me...so maybe I am totally worthless..  I haven't felt like this in quite a while.  I don't like it.

Yawn...

I am still so incredibly tired...ready for this to pass.  All I want to do is sleep...correction...there are a plethora of things that I WANT to do...all I FEEL like doing is sleeping.  Good thing this is a down weekend...all I have to do is church and ministry on Sunday afternoon...the rest of the time, I can crash.  Other than that...I think that I will finish the book I am reading and then start another and snooze in between.  Sounds like a pretty good plan.  Think I'll even do it from the comfort of my bed rather than the couch...sounds like an even better plan. 

I am feeling good emotionally...I recognize that I still have issues and I know what I need to work on and that is a good thing.  Thankful that God reveals them at just the right moment along with the assurance that He will see me through as long as I stay surrendered and as clay in His hands that He can mold and shape into the vessel He wants me to be.  It is a good day!

Still Have Issues...

In spite of the peace and joy that I have been feeling, it was brought home to me this evening that I still have a need to be needed and it hurts when I am no longer needed.  Now...that isn't to make anyone feel bad...it is just the reality in my life.  I have always equated love with respect and being needed and when either of those things are absent, then I get depressed.  For years, I didn't realize that was what the problem was...now I know.  So...this is the issue that I need to work out in my own life...I need to figure out how to recognize that just because those in my life don't need me, that I am still loved...it isn't a bad thing to not be needed, but it is a strain on my God-given personality...it is a weakness that I need to work on.

So...I have shed a few crocodile tears, dried them and now it is time to move on.  I cannot continue to grieve over what was, I must live in the what is and in doing so, I must find my joy, my peace, my contentment and thrive as God works in my life!

Light At The End Of The Tunnel...

No, it isn't a train...it really is the light at the end of the tunnel that I see.  In the longest, darkest days of this depression, it was hard for me to trust that there would be a light at the end of the tunnel, much less see it.  My doctor and therapist are both very encouraged by my progress and can see that God is moving mightily in my life to deliver me from this depression (mire) and setting me on solid ground.  God has taught me so much through all of this and when I look back to how absolutely miserable I was this time last year...I can thank God for His mercy, His care, His protection, His leading and especially His love in taking me through this.  I am full of peace and joy...and I am walking daily according to God's Word, following the leading of His Spirit and trusting in His grace to see me through to the end.  God is good!

What I AM....

I am happy!  I am content!  I am at peace with who I am in Christ!  I am almost giddy with joy!  I am confident in what Christ is doing in my life!  I am totally and completely in love with my husband!  I am overjoyed to be a mom and grandmother!  I am grateful to have people in my life who have stayed by my side through all of the changes that Christ has been making in me!  I am thankful for the love, mercy, compassion, forgiveness and friendship that has been extended to me through so many unexpected areas!  I am on my way to healing!

I can now see a light at the end of the tunnel and it isn't headlights or a train...I don't know that I have ever felt so much joy and peace in all my days, but I am eternally thankful for my God and Savior who has filled me with both!

Time To Adjust AGAIN!

Meds were bumped up 5mg, so now the readjustment begins.  I am really tired.  There is lots that I WANT to do today...but not sure how much will get done since I am so very sleepy.  I know it won't be long before I am adjusted and the sleepiness will be a thing of the past.  I am excited for this change in the meds...we have finally found one that works with minimal side effects.  My thinking is clearer.  I feel peaceful.  I feel joyful way down inside, that bubbles over with giddiness on occasion...I just feel happy!  After the week I had last week...this is a welcome respite.

My husband took a photo of me this past weekend and texted it to our sons.  Our oldest replied with, "Wow!  Mom looks REALLY happy!"  His response made me happy and sad at the same time.  Happy that he recognized that I truly was happy, but sad because those moments throughout his life have been so few and far between.  I am just grateful that I am getting through this so that my grands will have a grandmother who truly is happy, healthy and loving her life and family.

This is a good day!

Over!

I still want it all to be OVER!  No, I am not going to end my life...I just don't want to do this anymore.  I am so done and over all of this mess...Lord, please just take me out of the equation so I don't have to deal with anyone or anything anymore!  Obviously, I am at YOUR mercy, because You are the one that has numbered my days and YOU are the one that determines when I check out.  I know that I can continue putting one foot in front of the other because You give me the strength to do so.  I know that I can continue to get through all of the emotions and survive the hurt because You are my protection.  I just don't want to do this anymore...for the first time in my life I REALLY want to just quit.

You are my refuge.  You are my hiding place.  You are my peace.  You are my joy.  You are my defense.  You are my salvation.  When I cannot or will not take one step further, You pick me up and carry me.  When I want to give up and quit, You refuse to give up or quit on me.  You are faithful, loving, kind and merciful.  Be my strength and rock this day!

Stick A Fork In Me...I'm DONE!

The problem with depression is that one moment you are on top of the world, nothing can get you down and the next, you are being buried under an avalanche and can't find your way out.  I am hurting so badly right now.  I am under the weight of spiritual attack and all those that I once counted on to be my prayer warriors, to stand in the gap for me when I was doing all I could to fight to keep my head above water...are no longer there because of a doctrinal disagreement.  Those who said that they would continue to be there for me and to love me have distanced themselves leaving me to stand alone to fight these attacks...my heart is heavy and it hurts, more because I know that I wouldn't have done that to them. 

My husband chose to allow the enemy to use him to attack me and while he has admitted that he has been a biblical donkey...I have hit ENOUGH...NEVER AGAIN...I refuse to be accused of something that I am not guilty of in order to manipulate me into doing something. 

I just want it all to be over...God please take me home now...I cannot take anymore...I just don't have the strength and as I finish speaking those words, I hear, "My strength is made perfect in your weakness..."I must continue to trust, to hold on to those precious nail scarred hands...grant me grace Lord!

Joy...Happiness...Overflowing!

Had a rough night last night...two asthma attacks, a migraine that caused me to get up and take something twice...but in spite of that, I woke up feeling so happy and ready to get something accomplished.  It has been sooooo long since I have felt this way and it feels WONDERFUL!  I have managed to get some things accomplished early today and even if I don't accomplish another thing...I'm still happy, oh so happy!  So much joy that it is really overflowing...can't stop smiling...just want to shout to the world...I AM HAPPY!  I am blessed beyond measure and so very thankful for the joy that my Savior has placed in my soul...Thank you Jesus for this blessed feeling!

Sometimes God Answers Quickly!

After my last post, my son came home from running his errand and let me know that he had quit his job and that I could go home whenever I was ready.  I spent that last day with him and the grands and enjoyed every moment with them, knowing that in spite of my severe homesickness, I was going to really miss them.  I left the next morning and made the long drive home to surprise my husband.  It is amazing how quickly the fog can disappear. 

God's timing is absolutely perfect.  A week after arriving to help with the kids, I had a major allergy attack that turned into a sinus infection, which moved into my lungs and caused my asthma to pitch a hissy fit.  Didn't realize how sick I was until the night I got home.  I have been in bed for the most part of the last week.  I wouldn't have been able to take care of the kids had I still been at their house.  Even though I do miss them terribly, I am very happy to be home.  The depression hasn't been so heavy this week and the joy/peace that I feel is a welcome respite to everything that has been happening over the last  two months.

Tomorrow I will have my first counseling session in almost a month.  Not even sure what I will need to talk about, but I am ready to get to work and figure myself out so that I can truly be me and not the person that EVERYONE thinks I should be...I must be the girl that God created and must follow His directions wholly.  What He knows of me is far more important than what anyone thinks of me.

Homesick...

I woke up this morning feeling an overwhelming need to just cry.  I am homesick.  I love my grands.  I love my son and daughter-in-law...but I so need to be home with my husband, surrounded by my stuff.  I just wanna go home.  I need answers as to what God wants us to do now.  Where He wants us to be now...I don't like being in limbo.  I don't like feeling at loose ends.  I don't like this stinking depression.  This is going to be a rough day and even the meds aren't exactly helping.  I'm turning into a basket case.  I should probably call my counselor...but struggle with trying to do it on my own.  Ahhhhhh!  I hate this!  God I NEED to hear from YOU!  My son can't figure out why I'm in tears and I can't explain it.  Someone turned the faucet on, it jammed and won't shut off!

Welcome To My Crazy Life!

The dark has given way to light, but the fog has not lifted and can be heavier at some moments while lighter at other moments.  I have had a fairly good morning, in spite of not going to sleep until after 1:00 A.M.  No fights or meltdowns with the grands, spent a good while talking to my oldest son...but now as I finish looking at everything I need to on the computer, I feel the fog rolling in, obscuring the sun, weighing me down and causing me to feel like bursting into tears.  Even this morning, for the first time in a long while, I burst into tears while having a conversation...no rhyme or reason, just did.  I don't like the randomness of depression any more than I like being buried in the blackness.  It can be so frustrating some days.  I even had two awesome devotions this morning and the scriptures were exactly what I needed.  Even though I feel sad, I still feel peace and joy...my life can be such an oxymoron even in the midst of all the insanity...I mean...how can you be sad and happy at the same moment?  I can't explain it...I just know that some days, that is how I feel.  So...welcome to my crazy life...welcome to the nut house!

It Is Getting Dark...

So very dark...it seems that the depression descends so very quickly these days, but I can say that it also lifts almost as quickly.  I am tired...have had a rough evening with my grand daughter being sassy and disobedient and thought that I was handling everything pretty good and just as I was getting ready to turn my computer off, I felt the darkness begin to fall, such an overwhelming sadness and desire to just burst into tears.  Almost immediately, the last part of a verse found in Psalms came to my mind, "...weeping may endure for the night, but joy cometh in the morning."  I will go to bed with those thoughts in my mind and trust that it is so.  I must walk by faith and not by sight...ask, believe and trust!

Weather Forecast...Slightly Foggy, Mostly Sunny...

Last night, I could feel the gray fog moving in just before the black hole blocks out all the light and depression completely takes over.  So very thankful to wake up with just a little fog hanging out, for the most part this day has been sunny and somewhat productive.  Feeling very much in limbo...not sure what I am supposed to be doing, or where I am supposed to be.  Feeling very much like my life is about to change yet again and that slightly terrifies me.  A friend sent me a text that said, "Many people request things from God (ask in my name, and I will do) but then look at their circumstances to "see" if God has answered their prayer.  This is walking by sight and not by faith."  As tempting as it is to look around at what appears to be utter devastation in my life and say, "where are you God?" I know that He is right here, holding me, protecting me, letting me rest a bit before He takes me the rest of the way to what He has planned for me...so today, I must choose to walk by faith, trust that He knows what He is doing and wait for Him to show me what He has planned.  "Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart; wait, I say, on the Lord."  Psalm 27:14

I'm Surviving!

Barely...keeping my head above water.  I am so very tired.  I love my grands dearly...love spending time with them, playing with them, loving and cuddling with them...but the sad truth is that I've raised my sons and I am TIRED!  Too tired to raise my grands now.  The depression saps me of my energy and ability to recharge as quickly as I used to.  I am having to realize that I cannot do it ALL any more...I am not Superwoman!  I retired my cape, so why am I still trying to put it back on?!  I would say that I need my head examined, but since that is already being done...although, two weeks without a session and I am feeling it.  I cannot handle being away from my home or my husband for a month doing basically nothing.  I cannot handle being responsible for two very active children for a month, even if it is for a few hours in the evening and the weekends...so to try to do it 24/7, at my home without a real break for a month is going to be totally out of the question.  I hate not being able to be there for my children and grands...but I just do not have it in me...I just do not have the strength.  So like I said...I'm surviving...BARELY!

Feeling Blue...

The day started out fairly well, until I had to respond to an e-mail and a facebook message.  I am so tired of answering the whys for others.  I just need time that I don't have to continuously think about the changes in my life or discuss it or listen to others who want to constantly talk about it.  I feel like I have been overloaded and can no longer process it all. 

The sadness that I feel that those who have been "family" to me for years now treat me as though I am dead to them just breaks my heart more than I can express. 

I've Had My Moments...

There have been moments this week that I wanted to fire off a "SOS" text to my therapist.  Moments when I thought I would go berserk.  Today was a much easier start than the past few days and I am feeling much more calm in spite of the lack of sleep last night.  I am thankful that my grands slept through the night, but trying to sleep with the three year old in a twin bed when she tosses and turns worse than I do...ugh...it was rough.  The result...she slept, I didn't.  Amazingly, I'm not feeling worn out or like a zombie...could have something to do with the fact that I am switching my lexipro to a night dosage rather than morning.  I couldn't handle feeling so sleepy throughout the day.

However, I know that come tomorrow...I am going to really be missing my weekly session.  Just knowing that it is coming up and I can talk about whatever has been happening, really does help me stay focused and calm through whatever occurs during the week...not sure how I'm going to do without it this week, or the next, or the next, or the next.  I may actually have to send out a "SOS" before it is over with.

Other than being really tired...I haven't been battling the dark as much as I was.  I'm thinking that I'm on the right dosage and have finally found a medication that is going to work.  I do feel more clear headed and I am able to function.  Motivation is still being a stranger, but I'm guessing that will return when it is time.  I have to keep reminding myself that getting through this is a process and that I didn't get here over night and I will not come through it over night, so my desire to be done YESTERDAY is just not realistic nor is it going to happen.  Apparently, this is the only way I am going to learn patience...so off I go to breathe and enjoy the day along with all the sweetness and beauty that I can find.

Bees Buzzing In My Head...

That is what it feels like...a swarm of bees buzzing in my head...making me really tired.  So...my therapist recommended, very strongly, that I start taking melatonin before bed since my meds were making me a little manic and I wasn't sleeping.  The melatonin works great...well...maybe a little too great because not only was I sleeping at night...I was sleeping most of the day too.  Apparently 5mg is a little too much for me to handle. ;-D  Guess I need to get some 3mg, but until I have some money...I'll have to wait a bit.  Doesn't seem to be much of a problem though...I haven't taken one in five days and I'm still sleepy.  Granted, I don't sleep straight through the night and now that my grand daughter is in the same room with me...I hear every move she makes, but...I am sleeping and I am resting, so it is all good.

This past week has been strange for me.  In the aftermath of huge decisions and even bigger changes, I have really struggled with how I feel during the fall-out.  I have been angry with the two men who were/are over me, making the entire situation about them.  I have been frustrated at being misunderstood even though I am being very clear in what I am saying.  I have been very sad at the number of those that I counted as very close friends, even considered them to be family, who have disassociated themselves from us and our ministry as though having anything to do with us will cause damage to their ministry, testimony or reputations.  But through it all, there has been a peace and a stillness that is hard to describe.  When doubts or second-guessings arise, they are quickly snuffed out by the voice of God reminding me that His sheep know His voice and another they will not follow.  He reminds me that He is leading me and that I'm not to turn to the left or the right, but to go where He tells me as He tells me.  There is such a settled-ness in my spirit, a confidence in following Christ, of hearing His Word over and again when a question arises or a decision has to be made, there is a confidence that wasn't there before, like when you are taking a trip and you KNOW WHERE you are going and HOW to get there, no questions, no doubts, just confidence that you are headed in the right direction.

Yesterday, I made the trip from my home to my son's home.  It is an 8.5 hour drive.  The housing subdivision that he lives in is so new that the GPS cannot locate it, so I programmed it to go to the city center.  About 30 miles out from the town, my son calls and tells me to take the loop rather than going into town and tells me that once on the loop, I will be turning right onto the main highway that runs past the subdivision.  I passed one exit for the town, then a second and then wondered if I was going to end up in the next city that is another hour's drive away.  I knew WHERE I was going, but I wasn't confident in HOW to get there, so I pulled off the highway and called him...I only needed to go a little further to make that right turn and then I knew where I was and had no problem finding the house.  I was totally confident in where I was going and how to get there up to a point, then doubt and second-guessing crept in...however, when it came to the decision that I was pushed into making, I now have no doubts that I made the right choice and that God IS leading me in His paths...that confidence is overwhelming and I won't trade it for the approval of others, the love of others or the acceptance of others.

This past week, I have seen those who truly have the love of Christ within them and I have seen those who profess to have something they do not truly possess, because I have witnessed the spirit of a Pharisee in the way they have treated us.  The Bible clearly tells me that they will know we are His disciples by our LOVE one for another.  It also tells me that love covers a multitude of sins, in other words, those who love will do everything they can to cover the shortcomings of another rather than calling attention to them and judging them.  The Scripture also tells me to judge not, lest I be judged for whatsoever judgement I mete out, that shall I also be judged with.  Most importantly, the Bible tells me to love others as myself.  If I truly live that out, then I won't do things to others that I wouldn't want done to me.

What has all of this to do with depression?  Too much...wanting to be accepted, loved, thought highly of, making decisions with those unconscious motivations, letting others unduly push me to make decisions throughout my life due to those unconscious motivators, trying to please everyone and making no one happy and especially not me or even God...all of these things have contributed to the depression.  In order to get beyond it, I must unravel all of this tangled mess...this is just one very long strand.

Words I Would Say...

These are some of the things that I shared with a friend concerning all that we have been facing and how I truly feel about it all.

"Just continue to pray. My intention was never to leave the Church, but to find answers and truth in God's Word and hope to see changes made within the Church so that she could be what God intended, but I was put in a position of choosing whether to continue doing the same ole thing or finding the truth and I have to follow God. I want to be wholly His and to be pleasing in all things to Him. I am not doing any of this to be rebellious or disobedient...I need it to all be settled in my heart by Him.

I am not concerned about anyone bad mouthing us...that is between them and God and He can handle them far better than I can, so please don't feel the need to defend us. Matter of fact, remember they are souls who have been deceived to believe they can treat others in such a way and still enter into heaven...pray for them and love them in the hopes of seeing them truly saved and spared from the pits of hell.

I have no desire to burn bridges or to make enemies of anyone, so I am doing my best to respond with wisdom and love and there are some that I will just not respond to because it would be a lose-lose situation. I will not debate or argue nor will I even attempt to explain any more than I already have. I have had a few, who truly loved me enough to call and ask me what is going on. While they do not agree, they have made it clear that they will not be breaking fellowship with us, nor will this cause them to love us less and that they will continue to pray for us. There are others who have chosen to believe the gossip that they have heard under the pretext of giving a prayer request while not knowing the truth...those, God will have to deal with...I am not their judge or jury...He is and His Word tells me that whatever judgment I mete out, that same judgment will I be met with...so I leave them in His hands. I am not saying that it won't/doesn't hurt, but I cannot be pleasing to Him if I do not love others as myself and treat them with the same love, compassion and mercy that I would want to be treated with."

There will be many who pass judgment upon us without ever speaking to us concerning this.  That makes me sad and all I can do is pray that they never have to experience this pain in their own lives.

I have battled the depression all week...doing my best not to give in to it, but there have been some moments that I have just wanted to sink into the black oblivion of it so that I wouldn't have to deal with the pain that has been inflicted by the lack of love or wisdom, by the words, attitudes and actions of others. 

As I drove to the post office to mail the letter and my license to headquarters, I felt God speak to my spirit, "it is time to move on...do not grieve for what is past."  I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and continue seeking Him for all the answers.  It isn't easy, but the price is not too high, though the pain be great!

Even Keel?

Not likely!  Just about the time I think that I can start moving again...BAM! the rug gets jerked out from underneath me.  I think that I have actually found something worse than someone you thought loved you talking behind your back...doing it on facebook as though you aren't going to know who they are talking about.  One thing is certain though...it is there in black and white...no denying it, unless of course you wise up and delete the post.

I wonder how long it will be before those who have been sending messages and notes of love and encouragement will also jump onto the gossip's bandwagon and begin judging me as well.  I know that many will think that I brought this upon myself and that I should have expected this and to a degree, they would be right...but what I never expected was to be made to feel expendable or worthless.  Considering that I have not been spoken to by ANYONE over me concerning my action or decision...that is exactly how I feel, expendable, worthless and unloved by those professing to be a child of God.

I have been looking in the mirror and am coming face-to-face with who I am and what I believe and I am trusting God to show me through His Word what I am to follow since that is what He will judge me by...too bad that too many people are so convinced that they have nothing left to work on in their own lives so they no longer need to look into the mirror. 

This is going to be a rough day!

Snowball...NO...AVALANCHE!

I am so fed up with people leaning to their own understanding and their actions pushing others to make decisions that they aren't ready to make, if they are even supposed to make those decisions EVER!  Then others get involved and it snowballs and then it becomes an avalanche and someone is bound to get hurt if not killed!

I am desperately seeking God, trying to find and establish what I truly believe, based on His Word, not a set of rules of do's and don't's or someone's opinion or personal convictions.  Some times, I have to step out of the accepted norm of how most would assume you should find your way because I don't learn like most people.  When God settles something in my heart, He settles it and I will not waver, but when I am made to feel guilty by those around me, then I will continue to struggle with it.  I need godly conviction and I need to hear from God through His Word and said conviction.  What I am finding though, is that some of the things that I have just accepted as right and true and scriptural are NOT.  So...a few weeks ago, I stepped out of the norm and did something, praying and still praying that God would reveal to me through His convicting power and through His Word whether what I've been taught is sin and pride really is sin and pride.  My intention was to find my way within the confines of the Church.  Not bringing attention to what I had done or to lead anyone else astray or cause them to question, because that is not my goal.  I am not trying to cause division or anything of that nature...I'm simply trying to solidify what is true, righteous and holy in my own heart.  My husband/pastor couldn't just allow me the freedom to do that...he had to go up the chain of command, who made it very clear that I couldn't do that, which caused me to have to make a decision as to whether I was going to continue following something that I was clearly seeing as not scriptural or continue earnestly seeking God, but outside the confines of the Church.  It was not a choice that I wanted to make, but in trying to make it easier on others (yes, I am still very much trying to please and make everyone around me happy...haven't learned how to turn that off yet) I made the decision to be disfellowshipped from our church.  That is when the snowball turned into an avalanche because my husband decided that he needed to walk away from the Church too and sent a message up the chain of command and to our local congregation. 

The one thing of import that I have learned in these recent events is that to the Church, I am expendable.  I am worthless and not worth the effort.  Those in leadership have demonstrated that there is no need to speak to me concerning this decision or try to counsel me regarding it...matter of fact, when reading the e-mails sent to my husband, it is very clear that they are holding the door open and escorting us out like so much garbage being tossed out of the window of a speeding car.  Those closest to us are upset because we haven't talked to them about what we have been struggling with, not understanding that I withheld that information because I don't want to be guilty of causing someone else to doubt, to stumble or to fall.  I am trying to find my way and although I am trying my best not to lean on my own understanding, trying my best to follow God's Word, I can still miss it because I am human.  Some are disappointed because they feel that we gave up instead of standing and fighting.  Once again, not realizing that those who insist that we stay, stand and fight are by their actions shouting loud and clear, that they aren't willing to stand and fight with us...we are expected to martyr ourselves while they say, "I've got your back"...yeah...they are WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY back!  Some understand where we are coming from, some are sincerely praying for us and amazingly...we received so many texts, calls and messages, of love and support and "I'm praying for you," on Sunday, when most did not have any idea what was happening.  God is letting us know that He is still with us and that He is placing us upon the hearts of others who are lifting us up in prayer.

It was never my intent or desire to walk away from what I have been a part of for 37 years, something that I was raised in for 46 years.  I simply wanted and still am trying to find God's truth in His Word and follow it to the best of my knowledge and ability, rightly dividing the Word of truth, the New Testament as my rule of faith and practice...to do anything else is not an option.

The last thing I ever wanted was to have to deal with decisions like this, on a good day, but most definitely not during a time of dealing with major depression, when I already feel worthless and broken, that I don't matter.  I keep reminding myself that God was not caught by surprise...that He saw this coming long ago and I have to trust Him to lead me...I cannot follow the voice of another...it must be His voice alone.  I am not in a good place emotionally today.  I have been in tears, praying...I need answers from God...please put that post it note right between my eyes so I don't miss what You are trying to say!

Earnestly Seeking...Frustrated...In Tears!

This day has started out really rough.  I'm not even sure if I have the words to explain.  There are so many thoughts and emotions swirling through my mind.  Where should I even attempt to start?

I have always had a great fear of those that I love or think highly of, will one day realize that I am worthless and not worth the effort and will walk out of my life and leave me.  This fear has caused me to become very introverted as a way to prevent me from being hurt.  I keep my true self locked away so that others will love me...problem with that, is they don't really know ME, so how can they truly LOVE me?  It is a double edged sword. 

This fear has affected the choices I have made throughout the years and while some may think that some of those choices were good and right...I am realizing that when it causes me to follow and accept what others say, think or believe blindly...that isn't a good thing.  That is becoming more apparent with each passing day.

I realize that God has brought me to this deep depression to clarify my thinking...to cause me to examine what I believe about Him, His purpose for me, His purpose for His Church and what His Word truly says.  For most of my life, I have just followed blindly what the Church has taught...I've settled for the answers to my questions being, "because that is what the church teaches" and never took it any further...just accepted and did what was expected.

Now, I am at a place that God is opening up His Word and causing me to read and to understand and He is asking me the questions, "What did I mean?  What was I truly saying?  Who am I speaking to?  What was happening in the world at that time?  Am I speaking literally or figuratively?  How do you rightly divide this?  What is the proper context?"  The answers that I am getting, are making me really uncomfortable, because it questions the way I have lived my life.  It questions the way I raised my sons and the things that I taught them to believe...it questions everything that I have based my life on.  I know that when the dust settles, I will be left with what I truly know and believe based on God's Word...but in the end...how many that I count as friends will still be my friend.  How many that I have believed loved me will still love me?  That fear of being left takes over and it makes it hard to be brutally honest with myself and it makes it even harder to do what I have to do to find the answers

I have been pleading with God to make the path clear...to keep me from being deceived...to prevent me from leading others astray and I keep hearing the words, "take your time and pray" from the song, "The Words I Would Say" by Sidewalk Prophets.  My husband doesn't like the way that I "search" because it sometimes means that I do things that will get me in trouble with those over me or cause those that I serve beside to judge my relationship with Christ.  I know where my relationship with Christ stands and I know what He is speaking to my heart.  I haven't backslid, nor have I broken my covenant to keep the New Testament as my rule of faith and practice and to walk in the light to the best of my knowledge and ability.  I am seeking Him as I rightly divide His Word.  I am listening to His voice and will no longer follow any other blindly or otherwise.  God has my attention and I am being still and listening...earnestly seeking!

Now...add to that, the feeling that when I do open my mouth, when I do try to help others, that it seems that I am, nine times out of ten, misunderstood...which also causes me to be introverted...some days it just gets to be too much.  Right now, I wonder why I bother to invest myself in others when in the end, I usually end up with egg on my face, or get painted as the bad guy.  It is moments like this that makes me want to lock myself away in the closet and never come out.  Is it any wonder that I want to run away to a deserted island and never have to deal with people ever again?  It seems as though those around me get some kind of perverted pleasure in pointing out how flawed I am or how I really didn't do something right.  It is perfectly acceptable, to them, to criticize and point out how, in my helping, that I have done so much damage and to blame me for problems in other relationships while not stopping to consider the pain they are inflicting upon me.  Today is just really hard.  Trying to figure out if it is a "pity party" kind of day or if the depression is taking over...really don't care for either one.  It isn't necessary for anyone else to point out my flaws or failures...I crucify myself quite well, thank you!  I don't need help in that department.  I am so tired of all of this...so tired of hurting, so tired of being afraid, so tired of feeling worthless and being made to feel that way...I just want it to be over.  Why do I always have to be faced with the hard stuff...can't life be easy for me for just a little while?

Sorry, but today, I don't have an encouraging spin to put on how I am feeling.  I don't even have the strength to put one foot in front of the other to keep moving.  I am going to just sit here and wait until I KNOW where to go and what to do.  Stick a fork in me...I am DONE!

So long...hello...

Yesterday I said, "so long" to zoloft.  The first dose left me feeling numb...I had no reactions to anything, which can be nice, at times, but not ALL the time.  When we bumped up the dosage, I began to feel everything very deeply and was swinging from one emotion to another very quickly.  Never knew how I was going to react or respond.  I need a happy medium.  I still want to and need to feel my emotions, but I can't have them all over the place.  Rather than bump it up again, my doctor felt like we needed to try something different, so...hello lexipro.  First dose was this morning and I do not feel nearly so drug out as I did on the zoloft.  I'm hoping that the side effects that I experienced with the zoloft will not be present with the lexipro.  Once again, I'm starting on baby doses and in two months we'll decide if that is the right dose or if we need to bump it up.  I'm feeling pretty leveled out today, emotionally, that is and I actually have some "get up and want to" about me today.  That has been so rare for the past 6 months.  I am very grateful for the medical team that God has surrounded me with.  My doctor was very happy that my blood pressure and heart rate were at excellent levels yesterday.  I am hoping that the longer I am wheat/gluten free, the lower they will become so that I can stop the blood pressure meds.  Getting off the drugs, one at a time, will make me a happy girl.

So anyway...if you are dealing with depression and you are taking a med that doesn't seem to be working, don't get discouraged, work with your doctor to find one that will help.  It doesn't have to be a life sentence.

Twisted...Warped Sense of Humor!

Up one moment, down the next...some days it is never ending.  I don't like changes, so this roller coaster is making me a little nuts.  Okay...so I am a lot nuts...I am having to have my head examined weekly and I am having to take drugs.  Everyone always suspected that I was crazy, now it is certifiable.  I guess I should be making my reservations for the padded room and getting fitted for my new white jacket that will hug me and make me feel all better.  Yes, my sense of humor is very twisted at this moment.  If I don't laugh at the situation that I have found myself in, I would spend all day, every day, in tears.

In the midst of this depression, God is revealing things in His Word and in those revelations, directing me to make HUGE changes...some of them are coming a lot easier and faster than even my counselor expected...others are heart wrenching changes that are going to be taken a lot slower and will come at a very high price.  It is in moments of clarity that I wonder why I can't just simply deal with the depression and then once I'm passed that, deal with these huge decisions...but oh no...God has a warped sense of humor as well and this is exactly when He wants me to deal with all of this.

All that is left for me to do is to pray that God will prevent me from leaning on my own understanding, will give me clear direction and will prevent me from being deceived.  The price is too high for me to make these kinds of changes without KNOWING that HE is directing them.  Jesus have mercy on me and lead me through this mine field of depression and changes. Amen!

It Is What It is!

Some days frustrations, aggravations, burdens, hurts, heartaches are just that and you have to recognize they are there and then decide what to do with them.  It is what it is...I can choose to hang onto it or let it go.  Today...I just need to leave them where they are and go on with life.  I have enough to deal with in my recovery without adding a bunch of unnecessary weight to my already overloaded shoulders.  I still have that sick knot in the pit of my stomach...not sure how long that will choose to hang around, but I have too much to do to sit around and mope or to spend the day in bed not able to function.  Today is one of those days that I can and will push through and I will accomplish what I need to.  So...having committed myself to doing that...time for me to sign off and get busy!

I Am Done!

After a great deal of discussion and prayer...my husband and I have reached a decision.  He will continue to pastor and I will totally and completely step out of ministry until I have gotten through this, effective immediately.  I will be there to pray for him and will support him in some things, but he will continue his ministry without me.  I will no longer hold the positions that I've been holding and once I have certain things caught up, those obligations will be passed on to someone else as well.  I will be surrendering my minister's license and if God chooses to use me in that capacity later on...it will have to be without a license.

Am I still angry?  Not really.  Frustrated somewhat, but that will dissolve in time.  I am more saddened by the events that have transpired since Thursday.  I am just a mite floored that people who should really know better honestly thought that I wouldn't know the truth of what has transpired.  I really do not have the word "STUPID" written across my face.  However, what someone else decides to do is something they will have to give an account to God for...I cannot take on blame for someone else's choices or actions.  I cannot sit and beat myself up over it and I refuse to allow it to take all my energy and focus it upon them rather than focusing on myself and the healing that I need to do.

This is Easter Sunday and I do not want anything between me and my Savior.  I surrender the anger, I surrender the frustration, I surrender any other emotion that I have yet to put a name to.  I surrender my "rights" to hold onto any of them.  I want to hear from my God and I want to feel His touch upon my life today.  The enemy of my soul may win a battle on occasion, but he will most definitely NOT win the war.  Jesus has already won the war!  Just as "Good Friday" was a very dark day for Jesus...just a few days later, the SON rose again and dispelled the darkness, just as He has done for me this past weekend.  So thankful that even when the world is crumbling around my shoulders, He reminds me that He has risen and I can rejoice in spite of my circumstances.

Madder Than A Wet Hen? HA! So Much More...

Wow! REALLY?!  Mad doesn't even begin to describe how absolutely angry I am.  If you look really close...you might actually see smoke coming from my ears!  I'm definitely taking ownership of how I am feeling...I am so stinking mad.

My therapist tells me that anger is part of the depression and that it won't be the only time that I feel this way...oh I do hope he is wrong because I don't like this feeling, but right now...it is the only thing keeping me sane!  Usually I feel guilty for feeling like this, but you know...there are moments in your life when you get backed up into a corner and you have two choices...continue cowering in that corner or bulldoze your way through the ones that have backed you into it.  In order for me to get out of this corner, I am going to have to hold onto my anger so that I can bust through those who would literally lie to my face and then manipulate me.

My husband is a pastor...but after these last few days it has become very clear that in order for me to heal...we are going to have to step out of ministry because I can't do this anymore.  With that knowledge comes a whole lot of other stresses and I'm not sure how we will get it all figured out.  We already know that I can't work with the depression as bad as it is...so only time will tell what ends up happening.

My blog is my safe place to be honest about my feelings.  If you are reading this or have read any of my earlier postings and you are offended...know that I am typing raw feelings and I am being brutally honest with how I feel and it is NOT my intention to be offensive in any way.  However, this is MY safe place and I will not tip toe around on eggshells because I am worried that I might offend someone.

Sick and Tired AND Madder Than a Wet Hen!

I am operating on 4.5 hours of sleep...I am exhausted and I woke up madder than a wet hen.  My brain didn't shut down when I went to sleep.  Conversations kept playing over and over in my dreams and I kept getting madder and madder in my sleep.

I am sick to death of people thinking that they know WHO I am, think they KNOW what I am thinking, think they can read my expressions and body language and have me totally pegged when nine times out of ten, they are so far off base it isn't even funny.  Just because you get it right every great once in a while doesn't mean that you have me figured out!

I am sick of being told that I am lying, that I don't know what my motivations are or are not, that I will do or not do something based on what someone else thinks I will or will not do.  I am tired of being told what I should think, feel or want.  I'm tired of being analyzed and I am tired of arm-chair shrinks. Everyone around me seems to think they know what I should do and how I should do it to get beyond this depression...sorry folks...it is NOT your call!

I am sick of being told that I am in denial.  Just because I don't verbalize everything that I am thinking or feeling does not mean that I am denying anything.  No one  has any idea how brutally honest I am with myself and when I say that "I don't know" it is because at that moment I do not stinking know!  I am so sick of people thinking that I am going to respond to things the way they would because they feel they've pegged my personality.

Just because I'm not picking a fight with anyone and everyone over junk doesn't mean that I'm not fighting for me.  All my life I have been told how to feel, what to feel, how I shouldn't feel, what to think or not to think, what to do or not do, that I'm doing something or feeling something when I'm not and I am just so tired of hearing everyone else's voice.  Would you all please just shut the heck up and let me hear myself and God so that we can get this worked out and I can move on with my life?!

Did you ever stop to think that God may not want me to verbalize what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling?  You have NO flipping idea of how He is dealing and moving in my heart and mind or the things He is taking me through at this moment.  I know that I am not an island unto myself, that I can't get through this by myself, but God is my rock, my refuge and He is definitely a very present help in time of trouble.  I am listening closely to HIS voice because all of those other voices that I've been listening to for so very long, that keep getting louder and more insistent that they have the answers, have brought me to this place and I don't like this darkness, I don't like where I am and I don't want to be here anymore...that is why I am seeing a counselor.  I don't do things like everyone else, I have always marched to a different drumbeat..."normal" has never been a word used to describe me. 

I am sick of people making assumptions based on a look, a motion, or what I do or do not say.  That is judgmental...you are making judgments without all the information and that isn't right or fair.  I realize in saying that it isn't fair opens me up to hear, "No one said that life was fair!" and that is true...but neither are the assumptions that are being made.

I am tired of the fight...I have fought my entire life and I am exhausted.  I'm tired of fighting to be heard.  I am tired of fighting to be understood.  I am tired of fighting for relationships that apparently are one-sided.  I am tired of fighting to be loved.  I'm tired of fighting to be accepted.  I'm tired of fighting to prove that I know what I am talking about.  I'm tired of fighting to prove that my motivations are pure.  I'm tired of fighting!

Some days...venting just doesn't work and this would be one of them.  I don't feel any better because I've gotten this off my chest.  If anything, I am literally physically SICK over everything I am feeling at this moment and have been since about 10:00 last night...this sick knot in the pit of my stomach is a constant reminder and I am just so tired of it.

I know that I am battling major depression, but it doesn't mean that I have to accept it or even like it and that doesn't make me in denial!  Grrrrrr!

Procrastination...Friend or Foe?

Procrastination is in my nature.  I haven't felt like doing anything for the past week...matter of fact, even if I had felt like it, I physically couldn't have done it...but now, I feel like accomplishing something and what am I doing?  I'm blogging instead of doing what I should be...what is up with that?  Last week, I was frustrated and beating myself up because the "depression" was preventing me from doing anything and now that I'm in a better frame of mind, I'm procrastinating.  Even though procrastination, in the end, gives me that "high and rush of adrenaline" that I get when I'm pushed against a deadline to get something done...I don't think he really is my friend...I'm starting to realize that he is my enemy and that I need to kick him out of my life for good!

Depression is like a roller coaster...it starts and you go up and then down and around, but eventually, you do come to the end...I am so ready to get to the end, but there are probably a few more ups and downs and crazy turns before I get there.

Feeling Lost!

This has been a rough week.  Started with the nose dive I took in emotions during therapy last Friday and I just never seemed to be able to pull out of it.  Sunday afternoon, I felt such a heaviness and was so distracted.  My husband asked me if I was sad.  I told him that I wasn't sure if I was blue or feeling burdened, but I needed to figure it out and find a way to tell the difference sooner. 

Monday started out really well, but by the time I ate lunch, I was physically sick and the heaviness remained.  Ended up in bed for the rest of the afternoon and then spent the evening totally immersed in a book to avoid real life.  Even when I am trying to avoid life while reading, God still manages to get my attention and He did with some things that popped up in the story line...now I know why He led me straight to this series of historical fiction. 

Tuesday, it took forever to drag myself out of bed, but I finally did, got showered and ready to go run errands and got really sick...my head was so stuffed with cotton that I couldn't think straight.  Back to bed I went until early afternoon.  Once again, I couldn't get passed the heaviness, so I finished the book series and settled quite a few things in my spirit.  Both days, in spite of being ill, demands were high in ministry.  I am a pastor's wife...ministry doesn't stop just because I'm dealing with depression or because I am physically ill.  It is a struggle some days, especially when I cannot think or concentrate, but God gave me the grace and the words to speak from bed.

Tuesday night, I decided to find out, once and for all, whether or not I should truly avoid gluten or wheat products by having pizza for supper.  I ate two slices and within an hour, I was so sick and then I remembered that I was out of migraine medication...Oops!  I paid dearly for that one.  The migraine I woke up with on Wednesday was the worst of the worst.  I was in bed all day.  My husband brought migraine meds home for me along with chicken soup which eased the pain a bit.  Took another round of the meds at bedtime and thought that I would sleep...not a chance!  I dozed off and on, but never actually slept for very long...amazing that I am wide awake now.  I'm thinking that I am going to have to start taking my depression meds in the morning rather than at night now...I think they are keeping me awake.

So...what have I learned this week thru all of this?  One, no more wheat or gluten in my diet for several reasons, I get really sick at my stomach, it triggers migraines and it blows my stomach up and those are three really good reasons to avoid it.  We'll see what other wonderful benefits come from avoiding it later.

Two...it is difficult to tell the difference between being blue and being burdened initially...but after a few days...you begin to be able to tell which is which.

And three...God is using this depression to cause me to be still and know that He is God.  He is using it to teach me so much and it is easier to hear His voice because I know that I cannot get thru this without His help and His leading.  He is settling things in my mind and spirit...I am learning to wait on Him.  I am learning to be even more grateful for all He is and all He does in my life.  This isn't an easy road, but He is with me and will see me thru to the end!

Now...I am off to see if I can get something accomplished rather than laying in bed all day!

Not In A Good Place...

This is one of those weeks and days that frustrate me to no end.  I had a decent therapy session...cried a lot, wasn't expecting that.  It wasn't as if we delved into anything painful from my past...we were talking about things I'm dealing with right now.  I left with my gut tied up in knots, sick at my stomach and with no desire to do anything.

I am so tired of the fight!  I am tired of the frustration at not being motivated to accomplish anything.  I am tired of feeling guilty because I'm not accomplishing anything and feeling like I'm letting everyone down.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm never going to get my life back because I know that isn't true.  I am just so tired of not knowing what else is around the corner, of not understanding this illness.

My therapist keeps telling me that what I am going through is normal for this illness...that I am right on par with how he believes I should be progressing, that I've made huge strides in some areas that you wouldn't expect me to yet and he tells me to cut myself some slack...much easier said than done.  I know that I shouldn't feel guilty or frustrated with myself...I just want this to all be over and done with.  God please help me!  Grant me the strength and grace to get through this and to bring you glory and honor with my response to this illness.  Heaven knows I can't do  this on my own!!!!!

To Trust or Not To Trust...

That is the million dollar question for today.  The relationship between my mom, siblings and me has been strained for a few years.  I am the black sheep...I don't always have a filter turned on when it comes to blurting out my thoughts or opinions and that rubs them the wrong way, but more than that...one of my "flaws" is that I come across as "always being right and KNOWING that I am right" and that really rubs EVERYONE the wrong way.  Do I believe that I am always right...NO...I know that I'm not and I really don't realize that is what I am projecting...but I am learning that is how some people see me and it makes them NOT like me.

So...I've been in the process of choosing who to be around and deciding if that is a healthy place for me to be.  Since the last funeral I attended in February, I have avoided talking to or seeing my mom or siblings.  That last "family meeting" didn't go so grand for me.  There were things said that really hurt and really made me angry.  There were looks that made me wonder if I were sporting horns, a pointed tail and carrying a pitchfork...I didn't want to be around anyone who was making me feel hurt, angry and totally confused.

This morning my phone rang.  I picked it up and it was my Mom.  Haven't talked to her in 5 weeks and out of the blue...she calls.  She had no idea that I had been diagnosed with major depression, that I was seeing a counselor or that I was now on meds.  She asked how I was doing...I told her that I was fine physically. ;-D  We talked for over an hour and a half and then as we were getting ready to hang up...I told her about the diagnosis.  Her first question was, "Does the doctor know what caused it?  Do you?"  I gave her a generic, all encompassing overview...no specifics.  I figure at some point, I'll have to come clean and give her specifics, but not today.  There has been so much said that has hurt me, I'm not sure I can trust her with my emotions...not right now anyway.

If that weren't enough...out of the blue, I get a text from my sister wanting to know if I got her son's text this morning.  I haven't heard from her in 5 weeks either.  I've been texting with my nephew for the last hour. 

On the surface, this may not seem like a big deal...but yesterday, I had made a conscious decision that I just wasn't going to initiate any contact with my family and now suddenly, they feel the need to contact me.  I want to trust them not to inflict any more hurt, but I don't know that I can right now.  I have always been terrified that if I weren't perfect that they would all turn their backs on me and stop loving me.  I am so far from perfect and always have been.  It is easier for me to walk out on them now than to have them walk out on me later.  However, I have fought to keep my family in my life for so long, not sure that I can truly walk away, even now.

I have very mixed feelings about today and I'm hoping that it doesn't trigger a blue mood or worse.

Unpredictable--You NEVER Know What To Expect!

I used to hear the phrase, "You can't stop on a dime" or "I can't turn on a dime" meaning that you can't push on the brakes and expect to stop that instant or you can't turn that quickly.  I have come to learn that with depression your emotions, your mood, the way you look at things, everything in your life can be turned on a dime, in an instant.  The illness is so unpredictable, it can change at a moment's notice, without any expectation of understanding for the person dealing with it or for those watching it happen.

This morning, even though I was dragging myself out of bed and making myself get a shower and get ready to leave for my counseling session, I was in a fairly decent, somewhat ornery kind of mood, a little more like my "old" self.  Had a good session...didn't boohoo all the way through it, left on a good note.  Had lunch and suddenly, I didn't feel so good anymore.  Went to lay down and the phone as well as the text notification kept going off just about the time I would doze off.  Finally gave up, ran an errand instead and as I sat on the couch realized...I am in a no good, don't want to deal with anyone or anything, don't want to do anything, don't want to be bothered, frustrated, irritated, sarcastic mood.  Why?  I have NO idea!  Do I WANT to be in this kind of mood?  NO!!!!!  I'm at a loss as to how to change it or flip it. 

It doesn't help that I am having to go through another adjustment to my medication...the nausea and headaches are back and I'm feeling wiped out...the last time, it only lasted 10 days, so I am hoping that is all it will last this time as well.

My counselor told me not to over analyze or try to figure out why right now...just to roll with it and deal as best I can.  He said that it will get better, but to be patient.  Little does he realize that patience is a virtue that I've been running very low on for quite some time.  God please grant me the strength and the grace to NOT snap or snipe at anyone while I'm in this black mood!

It is that time...

Time to evaluate whether the meds are working and whether they need to be increased.  Can't decrease it because I am already on a baby dose, so no other direction to go but up.  After discussing the side effects I had initially and the one I am still dealing with, my doctor and I were in agreement...increase the dosage by another 25 mg and hopefully, it won't increase the migraine pain.  I am so hoping that it will help me to sleep again...lack of sleep doesn't help in the migraine department either.  While increasing the dosage isn't GREAT news...I can and will live with it for now.

Why on earth would I live with something that I don't want to do?  Well...my emotions have evened out.  I still feel sadness and joy, but I'm not all over the place like I was.  This is something to help me get over being overwhelmed, overloaded and overanxious.  Once I have the tools to help me deal with and cope with all life throws at me, then I can come off the meds.  I can do something that I don't particularly care for when I know that it isn't permanent. 

I am slowly but surely crawling out of that black hole that I've been living in for so long.  I really shouldn't have waited till it got to this point before I did something about it.  Why did I wait so long?  Fear, pride, denial...take your pick...most likely all three.  Fear that I was crazy or that others would think I was crazy.  Pride because everyone thinks I am superwoman and that I have it all together and if that is the case, then I certainly can't let them see otherwise because then they won't think so highly of me.  Denial because I just didn't want to admit that I needed help...I've always been the glue to hold every one and every thing together...how could I possibly need help?  I mean, I'm the one everyone comes to when THEY need help.  Seriously...someone should have whacked me with a ball bat and knocked some sense into me...talk about arrogant!

I am starting to see who I was/am and I'm praying that God will change me so that I am no longer that person.  If this is why I have to fight this battle with depression, then so be it...LORD, CHANGE ME!

My Life Is Such An Oxymoron!

Grrrr!  It seems like it is one step forward...two steps back and sometimes it feels like I'm being dragged backwards and can't even go forward!  In all fairness, there are those days I see big gains...but when the gray fog starts rolling in...you just can't see them anymore.  You have to hang onto them, in faith, believing that they have actually taken shape in your life and hope that you remember them when the fog lifts.

I have had such a roller coaster of emotions since my last post.  One moment, I don't want to be around people, the next, I WANT to be around people.  One moment, I can't get enough of reading or computer games, the next, I avoid reading or the computer all together.  One moment, I'm chilled out and relaxed and the next, I'm sarcastic and irritable...I feel like Jekyll and Hyde.  I am full of great intentions with NO motivation!  I'm not sleeping again...what I eat is making me sick...migraines are coming back in full force because of the lack of sleep...I'm exhausted!  I am able to find happy moments and I am definitely feeling the blue moments, so all is not lost...but I really need the roller coaster to come to a stop for a bit so that I can regain my footing.

UGH!  While I would like to throw up my hands and scream, "I QUIT!"  I guess I'll simply say, "God's will be done, but please grant me the grace and the strength to get through it all! AMEN!!!"

I am thankful that I see my doctor tomorrow...it may be time to up the meds...trying to find a dose that works and I don't react to will be a challenge.  Guess we'll see what happens.

In A Blue Place

This week started out so well...I accomplished so much on Monday.  I should have known that it wouldn't last.  I should have seen what was coming.  Instead, I buried my head in the sand like an ostrich and missed the warning signs.  I was heading for a crash.  I felt the switch being flipped last night as I talked to my youngest son and he informed me that he was submitting the paperwork to transfer from the Air Force to the Army to become an Apache helicopter pilot.  Everything inside of me screamed, "No!  Please God don't let him do this!" while I maintained a calm composure on the outside for his benefit.  Our children know that I am struggling, but they do not know that I have been diagnosed with major depression...they do not know how bad things have gotten for me and I am torn between not wanting them to know or see me like this and letting them know.  Right now, not telling them is winning out.  I just don't want them to be burdened with what I am going through.  At the same time, I realize that if it were them going through this, I would be flat out angry if they didn't tell me.  A friend of mine would call me on this and tell me that I was having a double-standard and she would be right.

I am not in a good place today.  I didn't want to get out of bed, but finally pushed myself to do so.  I have a dentist appointment this afternoon and it is going to take everything I have to get myself ready to go...I just don't have any motivation.  I am pushing myself to even make this post.  I have noticed over the past two days that I have gotten very quiet.  I don't have anything to say...to anyone...about anything.  I have smiled more in the past week than I have over the past six months...until yesterday.  I know it is the depression, but this is one roller coaster ride that I am not enjoying.

I have to keep reminding myself that God's grace is sufficient and His strength is made perfect in my weakness...by His grace I will get through this and will come through the fire as pure gold.  Help me God because I cannot do this on my own.  This is the first day that I have been in tears since I started the medication.  I have been through some really hard things in my life, but this is by far the hardest.

Meds?

I've never liked the idea of anyone taking an anti-depressant.  I don't like how it seems to shut down their emotions, they never get angry, they are never sad, it is the same emotion 24/7.  Because of what I have seen in others, I have always been very resistant to taking medication as well as seeing a therapist.  The depression had to get to the place where I sat and cried all day, every day before I was willing to even consider talking to someone.  Then it had to get to the place where all I wanted to do was stay in bed all day, every day.  I couldn't function anymore.  I looked like a zombie.  I had absolutely zero motivation to get dressed, much less brush my teeth and forget about doing anything else.  I couldn't sleep, I totally lost my appetite or desire to see my family.  That is when I was ready to acknowledge that I might need to consider medication.

Thankfully, my therapist and doctor are working together and both agreed to start me out on small doses to ensure that I don't have a reaction to the meds.  They have also agreed that this is not a permanent thing.  The goal is to only be on it for a year and then slowly come off.  I started the medication 12 days ago.  I was told not to expect any noticeable changes for at least 3 weeks.  I am already seeing changes.  I am more relaxed.  I don't stress out over little things like I was.  I am sleeping again and while it may take me a while to actually get out of bed once I wake up, I don't want to stay in bed all day.  I'm not functioning to the degree that I once did, but I am getting a little done every day and for that, I am very grateful.

This is going to be a slow process, but I am ready to do what it will take to get through this.

Exercise and Depression

There have been so many times I have felt stressed and blue and thought, "I really should go for a walk or work out," only to have the next thought nix it in the bud, "Yeah, but I just don't feel like it."  I really don't feel like it. 

Depression strips me of my motivation and keeps me chained to the chair in which I am sitting.  Every now and then, I'll push through and go for that walk or use the bowflex and I always feel so much better afterwards. 

There is something about exercise that, for the moment, breaks those chains that keep me bound to the chair.  My doctor says it releases endorphins, a chemical in my body that makes me feel good.  So...if that is the case, why don't I always push through and go for that walk or head to the gym...some days it is just too much effort and lack of motivation. 

Today was not one of those days though.  I almost talked myself out of it, but now I have decided that I am just not going to get up and rush around and be tied to the clock unless I have appointments, I have freed myself to do what I want, when I want.  So...I didn't get out and walk at 7:30 A.M.  Who cares that it was 9:30 before I got over there?  Who cares that it is just after 11:00 and I still haven't gotten into the shower yet?  This is actually working for me and helping me deal with the depression. 

I walked 1.5 miles...took me 30 minutes and my mind is clear without feeling blue.  I am tired and ready for another nap, but I think that the shower will wake me up.  Even if I don't get another thing accomplished today...I did accomplish something positive and just for me by getting out and making the effort to walk. 

I am thankful for the little glimpses of hope that I see.  It helps me to know that this too shall pass...just may take a little longer than I want it to.

Good Day...Bad Day...Eh!

Yesterday was a really good day.  I was thinking clearly and able to accomplish some things.  My husband and I cooked supper together, something I'm not sure that we've ever really done before. 

Today started out really good...but here it is early afternoon and I feel like I need to sleep.  I want to get something done, but I really have no motivation to get moving...it is just too much effort. 

There are still so many things that I don't understand about depression and its effects on my body.  It is too much for me to figure out today...so...I'll leave it for another day.  Even in this, I am learning that I do not have to have all the answers and that it is okay to just let it go for another time. 

I still feel at peace and somewhat relaxed.  My neck and shoulder muscles are not tied up in knots and I'm not feeling anxious, so in spite of the fact that I probably won't get anything accomplished today...it is still a fairly decent day.

Things I HATE To Admit

Ever learn something about yourself that you hate to admit to yourself much less say it out loud?  The past two days, I've been learning some things...One, I'm an adrenaline junkie and two...I'm prideful.  OUCH!  I had a hard enough time admitting that to myself, but there, I've not only said it out loud, but I've put it on the world wide web for the world to see.  No turning back now.

Okay...what makes me think that I am an adrenaline junkie?  As I pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store, I noticed that the wind was blowing the banners pretty hard.  When I got out, I heard the sound and realized that I love the sound of the wind blowing hard through the trees and making the leaves sing like the wind was making those banners sing.  The sky is pretty stormy looking and I realized that I love spring time and all that comes with it, especially the storms...aka tornadoes.  Why on earth would I love something that brings destruction and devastation?  Because of the adrenaline rush that it brings...I feel alive and excited when the storms are blowing through.

Then I realized that when I procrastinate and I'm backed up against a deadline, that I get that same adrenaline rush...

And again I realized when I keep adding more and more to my "to do" list and I get overwhelmed and overloaded I get that adrenaline rush too. 

Can you see the problem yet?  Too much adrenaline coursing through your body can do damage to you physically.  My blood pressure goes up and it is already high enough that I have to take medication to keep it under control.  It causes my heart to work harder and it is already working over time to keep oxygen to my body since my lungs aren't functioning properly.  It wears you out!  Once the high has passed...depression sets in.  I have got to find another way to feel excitement.

Once I reached that conclusion, I realized that when I procrastinate and then manage to meet my deadlines, I typically hear, "Wow!  I don't know how you did it!"  "You are Amazing!"  Everyone likes to hear things like that, right?  However, when you start doing things just to hear stuff like that, it becomes a pride issue and my head was swollen too big for a hat!  Then I started thinking about overloading myself with all that I was doing and realized that it was because I wanted people to be amazed at this superwoman and all that she was doing and accomplishing...PRIDEFUL!  I had become more concerned with what everyone around me thought of ME than being concerned with what God KNEW about me.  I was overloading myself and then getting irritated and resentful of all those around me who were taking vacations or just simply doing fun things with their families because I didn't have time to do that too.  Whose fault was that?  MINE!

So...how do I fix it?  My first stop was before the throne of grace to ask God to forgive me for my pride and arrogance in trying to accomplish everything in my own strength.  You can't deal with a problem, until you recognize the problem...so now that I've recognized WHY I do these dumb things, maybe it will be easier to say "no" when I need to.  I know that I am praying that God will help me to recognize the things that I NEED to do and walk away from those things that everyone else WANTS me to do.  I only have one body and I need to take care of it.  This is just one of the steps I needed  to see in my recovery...one more step to healing this depression.

God, strip me of all my busy-ness so that I may find a balance in my life. Add only those things that You desire for me to do and help me to recognize what You would have me do rather than what everyone around me thinks that I should do. Grant me the strength to say, "NO" when I ought to and help me to not feel guilty for it. Keep my focus on You and off of me. Most importantly, when others look at me, please Lord, let them see You working in and through me. Amen!

 Please consult your own doctor or Mental Health Professional if you are or think you might be dealing with depression.

What Am I Thinking?

Welcome to my journey thru depression to healing.  The purpose of this blog is two-fold.  The first is to give me an outlet to express how I am feeling as I travel this road without feeling like I am going to be judged and told that I cannot feel this way.  The second is to hopefully help others to recognize that there is help and healing for those who are dealing with depression.


DISCLAIMER:  The thoughts and feelings expressed on this page are mine...right or wrong...I don't intend to offend anyone or to make anyone uncomfortable.  I will not debate my feelings with anyone, so if you disagree with something, you can do so nicely or just don't comment please.  Also, the things I share that others have said to me, unfortunately are very common comments and I would appreciate never hearing them again.

MY Story: 
 
I have battled depression and anxiety for most of my life.  When I have expressed those feelings, I have been told that I cannot or should not feel that way or I've been told that Christians don't get depressed and if I am depressed then I've turned my back on God.  Those comments have caused me to stuff my feelings and keep going.  My theme has been to "suck it up and keep going!"  It worked for quite a while...until that house of cards came tumbling down upon my head last year.

I thought my year was going great.  We enjoyed a great family vacation and when we returned, I was scheduled for a medical test.  The diagnosis was awful, but the good news was that it was reversible.  Up to this time, I had been battling small bouts of depression, but the week following the diagnosis, I bottomed out.  I couldn't shake the blues.  I began to binge eat everything in sight.  In 6 weeks, I had added 15 pounds that I couldn't afford to gain, which added to the depression.  When I went in to see my doctor...she recommended that I talk to someone.  

I have always been the strong one.  The one who holds it all together for everyone around me.  I can recommend that others get help, but me...I don't need help.  But I realized, as I sat in tears, that I could no longer do this on my own.  I was overwhelmed at the number of days that I just sat and cried all day long.  I was frustrated at the number of days that it was all I could do to go from the bed to the couch and if I got dressed and brushed my teeth, it was a good day.  My husband was getting frustrated at coming home and the house being trashed and my responsibilities not being taken care of.  We were fighting and that just added to my despondency.  Something had to be done.  In spite of always being told that Christians don't need a counselor, just pray it through, get victory and you will be fine, or once you decide you don't want to feel this way anymore, you'll change and everything will be okay, I agreed with my doctor...I needed to talk to someone.

*I know that God can heal and deliver instantaneously, when He chooses, but He doesn't always choose to work in that way.  I have examined my life over and again and I haven't walked away from Him and I haven't committed sins that would cause me to be separated from Him.  So, regardless of what others have told me, I am still a Christian, I am still saved by the blood and grace of Jesus Christ, but I need the help of a Christian counselor to get through this.*

So, I made the call and scheduled the appointment and then sat and cried because I had gotten to this point that I could no longer handle things myself.  I do believe that is exactly where God wanted me to be.  He had been trying to get my attention for years, but I was so busy handling everything myself, rather than allowing Him to see me through them, that I had overloaded and overwhelmed myself to the point of breaking.  In His love and mercy, He has brought me to this point.  I'm not sure what His plan is or how long it will take to get through this, but I do know His strength is made perfect in my weakness and that His grace is sufficient to see me through.  He has my attention now and I'm listening to His voice and trusting that when all is said and done, that I will be exactly what He intended for me to be and that I might have helped others along the way.

Having said all of that...not every person is the same, not every depression is the same and God may not be using your depression to get your attention...this is MY journey and this is what I am learning in my own situation.  Please consult your own doctor or Mental Health Professional if you are or think you might be dealing with depression.