I am so fed up with people leaning to their own understanding and their actions pushing others to make decisions that they aren't ready to make, if they are even supposed to make those decisions EVER! Then others get involved and it snowballs and then it becomes an avalanche and someone is bound to get hurt if not killed!
I am desperately seeking God, trying to find and establish what I truly believe, based on His Word, not a set of rules of do's and don't's or someone's opinion or personal convictions. Some times, I have to step out of the accepted norm of how most would assume you should find your way because I don't learn like most people. When God settles something in my heart, He settles it and I will not waver, but when I am made to feel guilty by those around me, then I will continue to struggle with it. I need godly conviction and I need to hear from God through His Word and said conviction. What I am finding though, is that some of the things that I have just accepted as right and true and scriptural are NOT. So...a few weeks ago, I stepped out of the norm and did something, praying and still praying that God would reveal to me through His convicting power and through His Word whether what I've been taught is sin and pride really is sin and pride. My intention was to find my way within the confines of the Church. Not bringing attention to what I had done or to lead anyone else astray or cause them to question, because that is not my goal. I am not trying to cause division or anything of that nature...I'm simply trying to solidify what is true, righteous and holy in my own heart. My husband/pastor couldn't just allow me the freedom to do that...he had to go up the chain of command, who made it very clear that I couldn't do that, which caused me to have to make a decision as to whether I was going to continue following something that I was clearly seeing as not scriptural or continue earnestly seeking God, but outside the confines of the Church. It was not a choice that I wanted to make, but in trying to make it easier on others (yes, I am still very much trying to please and make everyone around me happy...haven't learned how to turn that off yet) I made the decision to be disfellowshipped from our church. That is when the snowball turned into an avalanche because my husband decided that he needed to walk away from the Church too and sent a message up the chain of command and to our local congregation.
The one thing of import that I have learned in these recent events is that to the Church, I am expendable. I am worthless and not worth the effort. Those in leadership have demonstrated that there is no need to speak to me concerning this decision or try to counsel me regarding it...matter of fact, when reading the e-mails sent to my husband, it is very clear that they are holding the door open and escorting us out like so much garbage being tossed out of the window of a speeding car. Those closest to us are upset because we haven't talked to them about what we have been struggling with, not understanding that I withheld that information because I don't want to be guilty of causing someone else to doubt, to stumble or to fall. I am trying to find my way and although I am trying my best not to lean on my own understanding, trying my best to follow God's Word, I can still miss it because I am human. Some are disappointed because they feel that we gave up instead of standing and fighting. Once again, not realizing that those who insist that we stay, stand and fight are by their actions shouting loud and clear, that they aren't willing to stand and fight with us...we are expected to martyr ourselves while they say, "I've got your back"...yeah...they are WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY back! Some understand where we are coming from, some are sincerely praying for us and amazingly...we received so many texts, calls and messages, of love and support and "I'm praying for you," on Sunday, when most did not have any idea what was happening. God is letting us know that He is still with us and that He is placing us upon the hearts of others who are lifting us up in prayer.
It was never my intent or desire to walk away from what I have been a part of for 37 years, something that I was raised in for 46 years. I simply wanted and still am trying to find God's truth in His Word and follow it to the best of my knowledge and ability, rightly dividing the Word of truth, the New Testament as my rule of faith and practice...to do anything else is not an option.
The last thing I ever wanted was to have to deal with decisions like this, on a good day, but most definitely not during a time of dealing with major depression, when I already feel worthless and broken, that I don't matter. I keep reminding myself that God was not caught by surprise...that He saw this coming long ago and I have to trust Him to lead me...I cannot follow the voice of another...it must be His voice alone. I am not in a good place emotionally today. I have been in tears, praying...I need answers from God...please put that post it note right between my eyes so I don't miss what You are trying to say!
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