This day has started out really rough. I'm not even sure if I have the words to explain. There are so many thoughts and emotions swirling through my mind. Where should I even attempt to start?
I have always had a great fear of those that I love or think highly of, will one day realize that I am worthless and not worth the effort and will walk out of my life and leave me. This fear has caused me to become very introverted as a way to prevent me from being hurt. I keep my true self locked away so that others will love me...problem with that, is they don't really know ME, so how can they truly LOVE me? It is a double edged sword.
This fear has affected the choices I have made throughout the years and while some may think that some of those choices were good and right...I am realizing that when it causes me to follow and accept what others say, think or believe blindly...that isn't a good thing. That is becoming more apparent with each passing day.
I realize that God has brought me to this deep depression to clarify my thinking...to cause me to examine what I believe about Him, His purpose for me, His purpose for His Church and what His Word truly says. For most of my life, I have just followed blindly what the Church has taught...I've settled for the answers to my questions being, "because that is what the church teaches" and never took it any further...just accepted and did what was expected.
Now, I am at a place that God is opening up His Word and causing me to read and to understand and He is asking me the questions, "What did I mean? What was I truly saying? Who am I speaking to? What was happening in the world at that time? Am I speaking literally or figuratively? How do you rightly divide this? What is the proper context?" The answers that I am getting, are making me really uncomfortable, because it questions the way I have lived my life. It questions the way I raised my sons and the things that I taught them to believe...it questions everything that I have based my life on. I know that when the dust settles, I will be left with what I truly know and believe based on God's Word...but in the end...how many that I count as friends will still be my friend. How many that I have believed loved me will still love me? That fear of being left takes over and it makes it hard to be brutally honest with myself and it makes it even harder to do what I have to do to find the answers
I have been pleading with God to make the path clear...to keep me from being deceived...to prevent me from leading others astray and I keep hearing the words, "take your time and pray" from the song, "The Words I Would Say" by Sidewalk Prophets. My husband doesn't like the way that I "search" because it sometimes means that I do things that will get me in trouble with those over me or cause those that I serve beside to judge my relationship with Christ. I know where my relationship with Christ stands and I know what He is speaking to my heart. I haven't backslid, nor have I broken my covenant to keep the New Testament as my rule of faith and practice and to walk in the light to the best of my knowledge and ability. I am seeking Him as I rightly divide His Word. I am listening to His voice and will no longer follow any other blindly or otherwise. God has my attention and I am being still and listening...earnestly seeking!
Now...add to that, the feeling that when I do open my mouth, when I do try to help others, that it seems that I am, nine times out of ten, misunderstood...which also causes me to be introverted...some days it just gets to be too much. Right now, I wonder why I bother to invest myself in others when in the end, I usually end up with egg on my face, or get painted as the bad guy. It is moments like this that makes me want to lock myself away in the closet and never come out. Is it any wonder that I want to run away to a deserted island and never have to deal with people ever again? It seems as though those around me get some kind of perverted pleasure in pointing out how flawed I am or how I really didn't do something right. It is perfectly acceptable, to them, to criticize and point out how, in my helping, that I have done so much damage and to blame me for problems in other relationships while not stopping to consider the pain they are inflicting upon me. Today is just really hard. Trying to figure out if it is a "pity party" kind of day or if the depression is taking over...really don't care for either one. It isn't necessary for anyone else to point out my flaws or failures...I crucify myself quite well, thank you! I don't need help in that department. I am so tired of all of this...so tired of hurting, so tired of being afraid, so tired of feeling worthless and being made to feel that way...I just want it to be over. Why do I always have to be faced with the hard stuff...can't life be easy for me for just a little while?
Sorry, but today, I don't have an encouraging spin to put on how I am feeling. I don't even have the strength to put one foot in front of the other to keep moving. I am going to just sit here and wait until I KNOW where to go and what to do. Stick a fork in me...I am DONE!
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