In A Blue Place

This week started out so well...I accomplished so much on Monday.  I should have known that it wouldn't last.  I should have seen what was coming.  Instead, I buried my head in the sand like an ostrich and missed the warning signs.  I was heading for a crash.  I felt the switch being flipped last night as I talked to my youngest son and he informed me that he was submitting the paperwork to transfer from the Air Force to the Army to become an Apache helicopter pilot.  Everything inside of me screamed, "No!  Please God don't let him do this!" while I maintained a calm composure on the outside for his benefit.  Our children know that I am struggling, but they do not know that I have been diagnosed with major depression...they do not know how bad things have gotten for me and I am torn between not wanting them to know or see me like this and letting them know.  Right now, not telling them is winning out.  I just don't want them to be burdened with what I am going through.  At the same time, I realize that if it were them going through this, I would be flat out angry if they didn't tell me.  A friend of mine would call me on this and tell me that I was having a double-standard and she would be right.

I am not in a good place today.  I didn't want to get out of bed, but finally pushed myself to do so.  I have a dentist appointment this afternoon and it is going to take everything I have to get myself ready to go...I just don't have any motivation.  I am pushing myself to even make this post.  I have noticed over the past two days that I have gotten very quiet.  I don't have anything to say...to anyone...about anything.  I have smiled more in the past week than I have over the past six months...until yesterday.  I know it is the depression, but this is one roller coaster ride that I am not enjoying.

I have to keep reminding myself that God's grace is sufficient and His strength is made perfect in my weakness...by His grace I will get through this and will come through the fire as pure gold.  Help me God because I cannot do this on my own.  This is the first day that I have been in tears since I started the medication.  I have been through some really hard things in my life, but this is by far the hardest.