Final Post

I am closing this blog.  Not because I am totally and completely healed and delivered from this depression, but because I just do not want to focus solely on the depression.  I will start another blog and I'm sure the depression will show up from time to time, but it will simply be a part of who I am, not ALL of who I am.  Please feel free to join me and take part in my life, not just witness it from the sidelines.

The Wait Is Over...

I've been awaiting the arrival of our newest Princess grand-daughter and she finally arrived yesterday.  She wanted to wish her parents' a happy anniversary, so she arrived just after midnight on their special day.  She is tiny and the first of our four grands that has been born with any physical similarities to me.  She has my feet, toes, fingers, ears, forehead and coloring.  She has my son's nose and lips and her mother's eyes.  Our oldest Princess didn't look a thing like me when she was born, but she is starting to resemble me a lot more as she grows up.  That really does make me happy since neither of our sons look a thing like me, but definitely have a great deal of my temperament.  So does Princess #1...time will tell if Princess #2 will have any of my temperament. ;-D

During the wait, I have had moments of depression trying to take over, but the battle was successful and I was able to overcome the fog before it turned into darkness.  I have thoroughly enjoyed our grandson...he is such a sweet, adorable little guy with the best giggle.  It really is contagious, hard to stay blue when you hear that laugh.

I am quickly learning that I can be away from my husband for about two weeks before I start really needing to see him, have him near me and to just BE with him.  I am missing him something awful right now, but have nine days to go before I see him again.  Needing to have all my things around me again...needing to cuddle with my cats, although, our son's dogs would cuddle with me, if I weren't allergic.

Been having very realistic, weird dreams the past few nights...not sure if I should be reading something into them or just dismiss them as weird dreams...guess time will tell.

My devotions have been really good and really hitting home.  So thankful for God's Word and the way He speaks to my spirit through it. 

Guess this is it for a bit...I don't want to ramble too much and my brain cannot seem to settle on anything specific, so...later...

M.I.A.!

Yep, I guess I have been missing in action since my last post.  I thought that I would be okay after the 10th...didn't work out that way.  I have had a battle with the depression and it didn't help that even though I felt better on the 10 mg...it was making me want to sleep all the time, so I had to cut back to the 5 mg which doesn't keep me on as even a keel as the 10 mg does, but I am awake when I am supposed to be.  So, suffice it to say...the emotional battle that I was already dealing with was compounded by the change in my meds and I have truly been trying to avoid anyone and everyone possible.  That is my typical M.O.  When depression hits, I crawl into the deepest, darkest hole I can find and shut EVERYONE out.  My therapist wasn't having any of that.

Anyway...the dark is starting to lift.  I am visiting our youngest son and his family and having a great time with our grandson.  So...it may be a while before I post anything again.  I really don't have much to say in spite of all that I've been facing...I don't know what to say, everything is tied up in knots in my mind and my gut, so until I can get it figured out...

The End Of A Chapter...

This week has been rough.  Battling migraines, back spasms, swollen eyeballs, stressed out and restless nights...had a moment of deja-vu that caused me to realize exactly what the problem is.  Tomorrow is the day that the door closes on a 3 year dream.  It also brings to end a 47 year chapter of my life.  I don't deal well with change, especially changes of this magnitude.  It is no wonder that my body is having fits.

I am hoping that once tomorrow passes, all of these issues will resolve as I stop looking back and start looking forward to where God is going to lead in this new season of my life.  I am very grateful that I have a therapy session tomorrow...it is going to be a difficult day.  Thankfully, I can see again, but the pain in my head just will not let up.

I am grateful that I am beginning to recognize what is causing the pain, as well as the gloom that descends at times.  I also have discovered that the lexipro that I am on is too strong...all I want to do is sleep, so back to 5 mg for me.

Breathing A Little Easier

Last week was a really tough week.  The fog rolled in and the darkness surrounded me.  Had a moment of doubt that shook me to my core and many tears were shed.  Spent time in prayer, asking God to settle it all in my heart and mind and while nothing is actually settled...I feel peace in my spirit.  I don't have clear direction and I don't have answers, but I know that He is with me.  So I am starting out this week breathing a little easier, a lot more peaceful and looking forward to all this week has in store.  It is going to be extremely busy, but it will be a good busy.  I have been blessed abundantly and I am doing my best to focus on that.

One Step Forward...Fall Off The Cliff!

Just about the time I think I am on an even playing field...I fall off the cliff.  You would think that I would learn better by now...but not so.  Last week, I thought that I was getting oh so good at flipping those awful, pitiful moods that I was falling into...HA!  This week...I've barely been able to get out of bed.  I've been blah all week until today and I've been a puddle of tears.  I'm just sad.  My therapist says that I am exhausted physically and emotionally and he is probably right, so that doesn't help...but because of how I am feeling, I am second guessing myself on so many things.  This means that when I am supposed to be sleeping, my brain is running at warp speed, I am clinching my jaws and grinding my teeth, which causes the muscles in my neck and back to seize up, which means that I don't sleep well, if at all and that means MIGRAINES!  It is a snowball effect and I hate, REALLY HATE the end result. 

Yes, I still see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I do see an end to all of this.  I know that this too shall pass...but can it be done YESTERDAY?  Patience is NOT my strongest virtue and I truly am trying to allow patience to have her perfect work in me...but I am finding it extremely difficult to do today.

Flipping the Mood!

Or at least I am learning to flip the mood.  It took me three days last week to flip a mood.  This week has been better, it has only taken a few hours for a few of those moods.  I am grateful that I am learning.  God's Word has really spoken to my heart and helped so very much.  I do see a light at the end of the tunnel and it is getting brighter.  So happy that I can actually see that I am getting better.  Doesn't mean that hard days don't come around, but it does mean that my confidence in them not lasting is strengthened and that my trust that God will see me through brings so much peace that I truly can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.  In spite of the stressful things happening to me and all around me, I have peace and KNOW that this season too, will pass!