Sick and Tired AND Madder Than a Wet Hen!

I am operating on 4.5 hours of sleep...I am exhausted and I woke up madder than a wet hen.  My brain didn't shut down when I went to sleep.  Conversations kept playing over and over in my dreams and I kept getting madder and madder in my sleep.

I am sick to death of people thinking that they know WHO I am, think they KNOW what I am thinking, think they can read my expressions and body language and have me totally pegged when nine times out of ten, they are so far off base it isn't even funny.  Just because you get it right every great once in a while doesn't mean that you have me figured out!

I am sick of being told that I am lying, that I don't know what my motivations are or are not, that I will do or not do something based on what someone else thinks I will or will not do.  I am tired of being told what I should think, feel or want.  I'm tired of being analyzed and I am tired of arm-chair shrinks. Everyone around me seems to think they know what I should do and how I should do it to get beyond this depression...sorry folks...it is NOT your call!

I am sick of being told that I am in denial.  Just because I don't verbalize everything that I am thinking or feeling does not mean that I am denying anything.  No one  has any idea how brutally honest I am with myself and when I say that "I don't know" it is because at that moment I do not stinking know!  I am so sick of people thinking that I am going to respond to things the way they would because they feel they've pegged my personality.

Just because I'm not picking a fight with anyone and everyone over junk doesn't mean that I'm not fighting for me.  All my life I have been told how to feel, what to feel, how I shouldn't feel, what to think or not to think, what to do or not do, that I'm doing something or feeling something when I'm not and I am just so tired of hearing everyone else's voice.  Would you all please just shut the heck up and let me hear myself and God so that we can get this worked out and I can move on with my life?!

Did you ever stop to think that God may not want me to verbalize what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling?  You have NO flipping idea of how He is dealing and moving in my heart and mind or the things He is taking me through at this moment.  I know that I am not an island unto myself, that I can't get through this by myself, but God is my rock, my refuge and He is definitely a very present help in time of trouble.  I am listening closely to HIS voice because all of those other voices that I've been listening to for so very long, that keep getting louder and more insistent that they have the answers, have brought me to this place and I don't like this darkness, I don't like where I am and I don't want to be here anymore...that is why I am seeing a counselor.  I don't do things like everyone else, I have always marched to a different drumbeat..."normal" has never been a word used to describe me. 

I am sick of people making assumptions based on a look, a motion, or what I do or do not say.  That is judgmental...you are making judgments without all the information and that isn't right or fair.  I realize in saying that it isn't fair opens me up to hear, "No one said that life was fair!" and that is true...but neither are the assumptions that are being made.

I am tired of the fight...I have fought my entire life and I am exhausted.  I'm tired of fighting to be heard.  I am tired of fighting to be understood.  I am tired of fighting for relationships that apparently are one-sided.  I am tired of fighting to be loved.  I'm tired of fighting to be accepted.  I'm tired of fighting to prove that I know what I am talking about.  I'm tired of fighting to prove that my motivations are pure.  I'm tired of fighting!

Some days...venting just doesn't work and this would be one of them.  I don't feel any better because I've gotten this off my chest.  If anything, I am literally physically SICK over everything I am feeling at this moment and have been since about 10:00 last night...this sick knot in the pit of my stomach is a constant reminder and I am just so tired of it.

I know that I am battling major depression, but it doesn't mean that I have to accept it or even like it and that doesn't make me in denial!  Grrrrrr!