That is what it feels like...a swarm of bees buzzing in my head...making me really tired. So...my therapist recommended, very strongly, that I start taking melatonin before bed since my meds were making me a little manic and I wasn't sleeping. The melatonin works great...well...maybe a little too great because not only was I sleeping at night...I was sleeping most of the day too. Apparently 5mg is a little too much for me to handle. ;-D Guess I need to get some 3mg, but until I have some money...I'll have to wait a bit. Doesn't seem to be much of a problem though...I haven't taken one in five days and I'm still sleepy. Granted, I don't sleep straight through the night and now that my grand daughter is in the same room with me...I hear every move she makes, but...I am sleeping and I am resting, so it is all good.
This past week has been strange for me. In the aftermath of huge decisions and even bigger changes, I have really struggled with how I feel during the fall-out. I have been angry with the two men who were/are over me, making the entire situation about them. I have been frustrated at being misunderstood even though I am being very clear in what I am saying. I have been very sad at the number of those that I counted as very close friends, even considered them to be family, who have disassociated themselves from us and our ministry as though having anything to do with us will cause damage to their ministry, testimony or reputations. But through it all, there has been a peace and a stillness that is hard to describe. When doubts or second-guessings arise, they are quickly snuffed out by the voice of God reminding me that His sheep know His voice and another they will not follow. He reminds me that He is leading me and that I'm not to turn to the left or the right, but to go where He tells me as He tells me. There is such a settled-ness in my spirit, a confidence in following Christ, of hearing His Word over and again when a question arises or a decision has to be made, there is a confidence that wasn't there before, like when you are taking a trip and you KNOW WHERE you are going and HOW to get there, no questions, no doubts, just confidence that you are headed in the right direction.
Yesterday, I made the trip from my home to my son's home. It is an 8.5 hour drive. The housing subdivision that he lives in is so new that the GPS cannot locate it, so I programmed it to go to the city center. About 30 miles out from the town, my son calls and tells me to take the loop rather than going into town and tells me that once on the loop, I will be turning right onto the main highway that runs past the subdivision. I passed one exit for the town, then a second and then wondered if I was going to end up in the next city that is another hour's drive away. I knew WHERE I was going, but I wasn't confident in HOW to get there, so I pulled off the highway and called him...I only needed to go a little further to make that right turn and then I knew where I was and had no problem finding the house. I was totally confident in where I was going and how to get there up to a point, then doubt and second-guessing crept in...however, when it came to the decision that I was pushed into making, I now have no doubts that I made the right choice and that God IS leading me in His paths...that confidence is overwhelming and I won't trade it for the approval of others, the love of others or the acceptance of others.
This past week, I have seen those who truly have the love of Christ within them and I have seen those who profess to have something they do not truly possess, because I have witnessed the spirit of a Pharisee in the way they have treated us. The Bible clearly tells me that they will know we are His disciples by our LOVE one for another. It also tells me that love covers a multitude of sins, in other words, those who love will do everything they can to cover the shortcomings of another rather than calling attention to them and judging them. The Scripture also tells me to judge not, lest I be judged for whatsoever judgement I mete out, that shall I also be judged with. Most importantly, the Bible tells me to love others as myself. If I truly live that out, then I won't do things to others that I wouldn't want done to me.
What has all of this to do with depression? Too much...wanting to be accepted, loved, thought highly of, making decisions with those unconscious motivations, letting others unduly push me to make decisions throughout my life due to those unconscious motivators, trying to please everyone and making no one happy and especially not me or even God...all of these things have contributed to the depression. In order to get beyond it, I must unravel all of this tangled mess...this is just one very long strand.
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