I used to hear the phrase, "You can't stop on a dime" or "I can't turn on a dime" meaning that you can't push on the brakes and expect to stop that instant or you can't turn that quickly. I have come to learn that with depression your emotions, your mood, the way you look at things, everything in your life can be turned on a dime, in an instant. The illness is so unpredictable, it can change at a moment's notice, without any expectation of understanding for the person dealing with it or for those watching it happen.
This morning, even though I was dragging myself out of bed and making myself get a shower and get ready to leave for my counseling session, I was in a fairly decent, somewhat ornery kind of mood, a little more like my "old" self. Had a good session...didn't boohoo all the way through it, left on a good note. Had lunch and suddenly, I didn't feel so good anymore. Went to lay down and the phone as well as the text notification kept going off just about the time I would doze off. Finally gave up, ran an errand instead and as I sat on the couch realized...I am in a no good, don't want to deal with anyone or anything, don't want to do anything, don't want to be bothered, frustrated, irritated, sarcastic mood. Why? I have NO idea! Do I WANT to be in this kind of mood? NO!!!!! I'm at a loss as to how to change it or flip it.
It doesn't help that I am having to go through another adjustment to my medication...the nausea and headaches are back and I'm feeling wiped out...the last time, it only lasted 10 days, so I am hoping that is all it will last this time as well.
My counselor told me not to over analyze or try to figure out why right now...just to roll with it and deal as best I can. He said that it will get better, but to be patient. Little does he realize that patience is a virtue that I've been running very low on for quite some time. God please grant me the strength and the grace to NOT snap or snipe at anyone while I'm in this black mood!
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