That is the million dollar question for today. The relationship between my mom, siblings and me has been strained for a few years. I am the black sheep...I don't always have a filter turned on when it comes to blurting out my thoughts or opinions and that rubs them the wrong way, but more than that...one of my "flaws" is that I come across as "always being right and KNOWING that I am right" and that really rubs EVERYONE the wrong way. Do I believe that I am always right...NO...I know that I'm not and I really don't realize that is what I am projecting...but I am learning that is how some people see me and it makes them NOT like me.
So...I've been in the process of choosing who to be around and deciding if that is a healthy place for me to be. Since the last funeral I attended in February, I have avoided talking to or seeing my mom or siblings. That last "family meeting" didn't go so grand for me. There were things said that really hurt and really made me angry. There were looks that made me wonder if I were sporting horns, a pointed tail and carrying a pitchfork...I didn't want to be around anyone who was making me feel hurt, angry and totally confused.
This morning my phone rang. I picked it up and it was my Mom. Haven't talked to her in 5 weeks and out of the blue...she calls. She had no idea that I had been diagnosed with major depression, that I was seeing a counselor or that I was now on meds. She asked how I was doing...I told her that I was fine physically. ;-D We talked for over an hour and a half and then as we were getting ready to hang up...I told her about the diagnosis. Her first question was, "Does the doctor know what caused it? Do you?" I gave her a generic, all encompassing overview...no specifics. I figure at some point, I'll have to come clean and give her specifics, but not today. There has been so much said that has hurt me, I'm not sure I can trust her with my emotions...not right now anyway.
If that weren't enough...out of the blue, I get a text from my sister wanting to know if I got her son's text this morning. I haven't heard from her in 5 weeks either. I've been texting with my nephew for the last hour.
On the surface, this may not seem like a big deal...but yesterday, I had made a conscious decision that I just wasn't going to initiate any contact with my family and now suddenly, they feel the need to contact me. I want to trust them not to inflict any more hurt, but I don't know that I can right now. I have always been terrified that if I weren't perfect that they would all turn their backs on me and stop loving me. I am so far from perfect and always have been. It is easier for me to walk out on them now than to have them walk out on me later. However, I have fought to keep my family in my life for so long, not sure that I can truly walk away, even now.
I have very mixed feelings about today and I'm hoping that it doesn't trigger a blue mood or worse.
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