Things I HATE To Admit

Ever learn something about yourself that you hate to admit to yourself much less say it out loud?  The past two days, I've been learning some things...One, I'm an adrenaline junkie and two...I'm prideful.  OUCH!  I had a hard enough time admitting that to myself, but there, I've not only said it out loud, but I've put it on the world wide web for the world to see.  No turning back now.

Okay...what makes me think that I am an adrenaline junkie?  As I pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store, I noticed that the wind was blowing the banners pretty hard.  When I got out, I heard the sound and realized that I love the sound of the wind blowing hard through the trees and making the leaves sing like the wind was making those banners sing.  The sky is pretty stormy looking and I realized that I love spring time and all that comes with it, especially the storms...aka tornadoes.  Why on earth would I love something that brings destruction and devastation?  Because of the adrenaline rush that it brings...I feel alive and excited when the storms are blowing through.

Then I realized that when I procrastinate and I'm backed up against a deadline, that I get that same adrenaline rush...

And again I realized when I keep adding more and more to my "to do" list and I get overwhelmed and overloaded I get that adrenaline rush too. 

Can you see the problem yet?  Too much adrenaline coursing through your body can do damage to you physically.  My blood pressure goes up and it is already high enough that I have to take medication to keep it under control.  It causes my heart to work harder and it is already working over time to keep oxygen to my body since my lungs aren't functioning properly.  It wears you out!  Once the high has passed...depression sets in.  I have got to find another way to feel excitement.

Once I reached that conclusion, I realized that when I procrastinate and then manage to meet my deadlines, I typically hear, "Wow!  I don't know how you did it!"  "You are Amazing!"  Everyone likes to hear things like that, right?  However, when you start doing things just to hear stuff like that, it becomes a pride issue and my head was swollen too big for a hat!  Then I started thinking about overloading myself with all that I was doing and realized that it was because I wanted people to be amazed at this superwoman and all that she was doing and accomplishing...PRIDEFUL!  I had become more concerned with what everyone around me thought of ME than being concerned with what God KNEW about me.  I was overloading myself and then getting irritated and resentful of all those around me who were taking vacations or just simply doing fun things with their families because I didn't have time to do that too.  Whose fault was that?  MINE!

So...how do I fix it?  My first stop was before the throne of grace to ask God to forgive me for my pride and arrogance in trying to accomplish everything in my own strength.  You can't deal with a problem, until you recognize the problem...so now that I've recognized WHY I do these dumb things, maybe it will be easier to say "no" when I need to.  I know that I am praying that God will help me to recognize the things that I NEED to do and walk away from those things that everyone else WANTS me to do.  I only have one body and I need to take care of it.  This is just one of the steps I needed  to see in my recovery...one more step to healing this depression.

God, strip me of all my busy-ness so that I may find a balance in my life. Add only those things that You desire for me to do and help me to recognize what You would have me do rather than what everyone around me thinks that I should do. Grant me the strength to say, "NO" when I ought to and help me to not feel guilty for it. Keep my focus on You and off of me. Most importantly, when others look at me, please Lord, let them see You working in and through me. Amen!

 Please consult your own doctor or Mental Health Professional if you are or think you might be dealing with depression.