What Am I Thinking?

Welcome to my journey thru depression to healing.  The purpose of this blog is two-fold.  The first is to give me an outlet to express how I am feeling as I travel this road without feeling like I am going to be judged and told that I cannot feel this way.  The second is to hopefully help others to recognize that there is help and healing for those who are dealing with depression.


DISCLAIMER:  The thoughts and feelings expressed on this page are mine...right or wrong...I don't intend to offend anyone or to make anyone uncomfortable.  I will not debate my feelings with anyone, so if you disagree with something, you can do so nicely or just don't comment please.  Also, the things I share that others have said to me, unfortunately are very common comments and I would appreciate never hearing them again.

MY Story: 
 
I have battled depression and anxiety for most of my life.  When I have expressed those feelings, I have been told that I cannot or should not feel that way or I've been told that Christians don't get depressed and if I am depressed then I've turned my back on God.  Those comments have caused me to stuff my feelings and keep going.  My theme has been to "suck it up and keep going!"  It worked for quite a while...until that house of cards came tumbling down upon my head last year.

I thought my year was going great.  We enjoyed a great family vacation and when we returned, I was scheduled for a medical test.  The diagnosis was awful, but the good news was that it was reversible.  Up to this time, I had been battling small bouts of depression, but the week following the diagnosis, I bottomed out.  I couldn't shake the blues.  I began to binge eat everything in sight.  In 6 weeks, I had added 15 pounds that I couldn't afford to gain, which added to the depression.  When I went in to see my doctor...she recommended that I talk to someone.  

I have always been the strong one.  The one who holds it all together for everyone around me.  I can recommend that others get help, but me...I don't need help.  But I realized, as I sat in tears, that I could no longer do this on my own.  I was overwhelmed at the number of days that I just sat and cried all day long.  I was frustrated at the number of days that it was all I could do to go from the bed to the couch and if I got dressed and brushed my teeth, it was a good day.  My husband was getting frustrated at coming home and the house being trashed and my responsibilities not being taken care of.  We were fighting and that just added to my despondency.  Something had to be done.  In spite of always being told that Christians don't need a counselor, just pray it through, get victory and you will be fine, or once you decide you don't want to feel this way anymore, you'll change and everything will be okay, I agreed with my doctor...I needed to talk to someone.

*I know that God can heal and deliver instantaneously, when He chooses, but He doesn't always choose to work in that way.  I have examined my life over and again and I haven't walked away from Him and I haven't committed sins that would cause me to be separated from Him.  So, regardless of what others have told me, I am still a Christian, I am still saved by the blood and grace of Jesus Christ, but I need the help of a Christian counselor to get through this.*

So, I made the call and scheduled the appointment and then sat and cried because I had gotten to this point that I could no longer handle things myself.  I do believe that is exactly where God wanted me to be.  He had been trying to get my attention for years, but I was so busy handling everything myself, rather than allowing Him to see me through them, that I had overloaded and overwhelmed myself to the point of breaking.  In His love and mercy, He has brought me to this point.  I'm not sure what His plan is or how long it will take to get through this, but I do know His strength is made perfect in my weakness and that His grace is sufficient to see me through.  He has my attention now and I'm listening to His voice and trusting that when all is said and done, that I will be exactly what He intended for me to be and that I might have helped others along the way.

Having said all of that...not every person is the same, not every depression is the same and God may not be using your depression to get your attention...this is MY journey and this is what I am learning in my own situation.  Please consult your own doctor or Mental Health Professional if you are or think you might be dealing with depression.