Feeling Lost!

This has been a rough week.  Started with the nose dive I took in emotions during therapy last Friday and I just never seemed to be able to pull out of it.  Sunday afternoon, I felt such a heaviness and was so distracted.  My husband asked me if I was sad.  I told him that I wasn't sure if I was blue or feeling burdened, but I needed to figure it out and find a way to tell the difference sooner. 

Monday started out really well, but by the time I ate lunch, I was physically sick and the heaviness remained.  Ended up in bed for the rest of the afternoon and then spent the evening totally immersed in a book to avoid real life.  Even when I am trying to avoid life while reading, God still manages to get my attention and He did with some things that popped up in the story line...now I know why He led me straight to this series of historical fiction. 

Tuesday, it took forever to drag myself out of bed, but I finally did, got showered and ready to go run errands and got really sick...my head was so stuffed with cotton that I couldn't think straight.  Back to bed I went until early afternoon.  Once again, I couldn't get passed the heaviness, so I finished the book series and settled quite a few things in my spirit.  Both days, in spite of being ill, demands were high in ministry.  I am a pastor's wife...ministry doesn't stop just because I'm dealing with depression or because I am physically ill.  It is a struggle some days, especially when I cannot think or concentrate, but God gave me the grace and the words to speak from bed.

Tuesday night, I decided to find out, once and for all, whether or not I should truly avoid gluten or wheat products by having pizza for supper.  I ate two slices and within an hour, I was so sick and then I remembered that I was out of migraine medication...Oops!  I paid dearly for that one.  The migraine I woke up with on Wednesday was the worst of the worst.  I was in bed all day.  My husband brought migraine meds home for me along with chicken soup which eased the pain a bit.  Took another round of the meds at bedtime and thought that I would sleep...not a chance!  I dozed off and on, but never actually slept for very long...amazing that I am wide awake now.  I'm thinking that I am going to have to start taking my depression meds in the morning rather than at night now...I think they are keeping me awake.

So...what have I learned this week thru all of this?  One, no more wheat or gluten in my diet for several reasons, I get really sick at my stomach, it triggers migraines and it blows my stomach up and those are three really good reasons to avoid it.  We'll see what other wonderful benefits come from avoiding it later.

Two...it is difficult to tell the difference between being blue and being burdened initially...but after a few days...you begin to be able to tell which is which.

And three...God is using this depression to cause me to be still and know that He is God.  He is using it to teach me so much and it is easier to hear His voice because I know that I cannot get thru this without His help and His leading.  He is settling things in my mind and spirit...I am learning to wait on Him.  I am learning to be even more grateful for all He is and all He does in my life.  This isn't an easy road, but He is with me and will see me thru to the end!

Now...I am off to see if I can get something accomplished rather than laying in bed all day!

Not In A Good Place...

This is one of those weeks and days that frustrate me to no end.  I had a decent therapy session...cried a lot, wasn't expecting that.  It wasn't as if we delved into anything painful from my past...we were talking about things I'm dealing with right now.  I left with my gut tied up in knots, sick at my stomach and with no desire to do anything.

I am so tired of the fight!  I am tired of the frustration at not being motivated to accomplish anything.  I am tired of feeling guilty because I'm not accomplishing anything and feeling like I'm letting everyone down.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm never going to get my life back because I know that isn't true.  I am just so tired of not knowing what else is around the corner, of not understanding this illness.

My therapist keeps telling me that what I am going through is normal for this illness...that I am right on par with how he believes I should be progressing, that I've made huge strides in some areas that you wouldn't expect me to yet and he tells me to cut myself some slack...much easier said than done.  I know that I shouldn't feel guilty or frustrated with myself...I just want this to all be over and done with.  God please help me!  Grant me the strength and grace to get through this and to bring you glory and honor with my response to this illness.  Heaven knows I can't do  this on my own!!!!!

To Trust or Not To Trust...

That is the million dollar question for today.  The relationship between my mom, siblings and me has been strained for a few years.  I am the black sheep...I don't always have a filter turned on when it comes to blurting out my thoughts or opinions and that rubs them the wrong way, but more than that...one of my "flaws" is that I come across as "always being right and KNOWING that I am right" and that really rubs EVERYONE the wrong way.  Do I believe that I am always right...NO...I know that I'm not and I really don't realize that is what I am projecting...but I am learning that is how some people see me and it makes them NOT like me.

So...I've been in the process of choosing who to be around and deciding if that is a healthy place for me to be.  Since the last funeral I attended in February, I have avoided talking to or seeing my mom or siblings.  That last "family meeting" didn't go so grand for me.  There were things said that really hurt and really made me angry.  There were looks that made me wonder if I were sporting horns, a pointed tail and carrying a pitchfork...I didn't want to be around anyone who was making me feel hurt, angry and totally confused.

This morning my phone rang.  I picked it up and it was my Mom.  Haven't talked to her in 5 weeks and out of the blue...she calls.  She had no idea that I had been diagnosed with major depression, that I was seeing a counselor or that I was now on meds.  She asked how I was doing...I told her that I was fine physically. ;-D  We talked for over an hour and a half and then as we were getting ready to hang up...I told her about the diagnosis.  Her first question was, "Does the doctor know what caused it?  Do you?"  I gave her a generic, all encompassing overview...no specifics.  I figure at some point, I'll have to come clean and give her specifics, but not today.  There has been so much said that has hurt me, I'm not sure I can trust her with my emotions...not right now anyway.

If that weren't enough...out of the blue, I get a text from my sister wanting to know if I got her son's text this morning.  I haven't heard from her in 5 weeks either.  I've been texting with my nephew for the last hour. 

On the surface, this may not seem like a big deal...but yesterday, I had made a conscious decision that I just wasn't going to initiate any contact with my family and now suddenly, they feel the need to contact me.  I want to trust them not to inflict any more hurt, but I don't know that I can right now.  I have always been terrified that if I weren't perfect that they would all turn their backs on me and stop loving me.  I am so far from perfect and always have been.  It is easier for me to walk out on them now than to have them walk out on me later.  However, I have fought to keep my family in my life for so long, not sure that I can truly walk away, even now.

I have very mixed feelings about today and I'm hoping that it doesn't trigger a blue mood or worse.

Unpredictable--You NEVER Know What To Expect!

I used to hear the phrase, "You can't stop on a dime" or "I can't turn on a dime" meaning that you can't push on the brakes and expect to stop that instant or you can't turn that quickly.  I have come to learn that with depression your emotions, your mood, the way you look at things, everything in your life can be turned on a dime, in an instant.  The illness is so unpredictable, it can change at a moment's notice, without any expectation of understanding for the person dealing with it or for those watching it happen.

This morning, even though I was dragging myself out of bed and making myself get a shower and get ready to leave for my counseling session, I was in a fairly decent, somewhat ornery kind of mood, a little more like my "old" self.  Had a good session...didn't boohoo all the way through it, left on a good note.  Had lunch and suddenly, I didn't feel so good anymore.  Went to lay down and the phone as well as the text notification kept going off just about the time I would doze off.  Finally gave up, ran an errand instead and as I sat on the couch realized...I am in a no good, don't want to deal with anyone or anything, don't want to do anything, don't want to be bothered, frustrated, irritated, sarcastic mood.  Why?  I have NO idea!  Do I WANT to be in this kind of mood?  NO!!!!!  I'm at a loss as to how to change it or flip it. 

It doesn't help that I am having to go through another adjustment to my medication...the nausea and headaches are back and I'm feeling wiped out...the last time, it only lasted 10 days, so I am hoping that is all it will last this time as well.

My counselor told me not to over analyze or try to figure out why right now...just to roll with it and deal as best I can.  He said that it will get better, but to be patient.  Little does he realize that patience is a virtue that I've been running very low on for quite some time.  God please grant me the strength and the grace to NOT snap or snipe at anyone while I'm in this black mood!

It is that time...

Time to evaluate whether the meds are working and whether they need to be increased.  Can't decrease it because I am already on a baby dose, so no other direction to go but up.  After discussing the side effects I had initially and the one I am still dealing with, my doctor and I were in agreement...increase the dosage by another 25 mg and hopefully, it won't increase the migraine pain.  I am so hoping that it will help me to sleep again...lack of sleep doesn't help in the migraine department either.  While increasing the dosage isn't GREAT news...I can and will live with it for now.

Why on earth would I live with something that I don't want to do?  Well...my emotions have evened out.  I still feel sadness and joy, but I'm not all over the place like I was.  This is something to help me get over being overwhelmed, overloaded and overanxious.  Once I have the tools to help me deal with and cope with all life throws at me, then I can come off the meds.  I can do something that I don't particularly care for when I know that it isn't permanent. 

I am slowly but surely crawling out of that black hole that I've been living in for so long.  I really shouldn't have waited till it got to this point before I did something about it.  Why did I wait so long?  Fear, pride, denial...take your pick...most likely all three.  Fear that I was crazy or that others would think I was crazy.  Pride because everyone thinks I am superwoman and that I have it all together and if that is the case, then I certainly can't let them see otherwise because then they won't think so highly of me.  Denial because I just didn't want to admit that I needed help...I've always been the glue to hold every one and every thing together...how could I possibly need help?  I mean, I'm the one everyone comes to when THEY need help.  Seriously...someone should have whacked me with a ball bat and knocked some sense into me...talk about arrogant!

I am starting to see who I was/am and I'm praying that God will change me so that I am no longer that person.  If this is why I have to fight this battle with depression, then so be it...LORD, CHANGE ME!

My Life Is Such An Oxymoron!

Grrrr!  It seems like it is one step forward...two steps back and sometimes it feels like I'm being dragged backwards and can't even go forward!  In all fairness, there are those days I see big gains...but when the gray fog starts rolling in...you just can't see them anymore.  You have to hang onto them, in faith, believing that they have actually taken shape in your life and hope that you remember them when the fog lifts.

I have had such a roller coaster of emotions since my last post.  One moment, I don't want to be around people, the next, I WANT to be around people.  One moment, I can't get enough of reading or computer games, the next, I avoid reading or the computer all together.  One moment, I'm chilled out and relaxed and the next, I'm sarcastic and irritable...I feel like Jekyll and Hyde.  I am full of great intentions with NO motivation!  I'm not sleeping again...what I eat is making me sick...migraines are coming back in full force because of the lack of sleep...I'm exhausted!  I am able to find happy moments and I am definitely feeling the blue moments, so all is not lost...but I really need the roller coaster to come to a stop for a bit so that I can regain my footing.

UGH!  While I would like to throw up my hands and scream, "I QUIT!"  I guess I'll simply say, "God's will be done, but please grant me the grace and the strength to get through it all! AMEN!!!"

I am thankful that I see my doctor tomorrow...it may be time to up the meds...trying to find a dose that works and I don't react to will be a challenge.  Guess we'll see what happens.

In A Blue Place

This week started out so well...I accomplished so much on Monday.  I should have known that it wouldn't last.  I should have seen what was coming.  Instead, I buried my head in the sand like an ostrich and missed the warning signs.  I was heading for a crash.  I felt the switch being flipped last night as I talked to my youngest son and he informed me that he was submitting the paperwork to transfer from the Air Force to the Army to become an Apache helicopter pilot.  Everything inside of me screamed, "No!  Please God don't let him do this!" while I maintained a calm composure on the outside for his benefit.  Our children know that I am struggling, but they do not know that I have been diagnosed with major depression...they do not know how bad things have gotten for me and I am torn between not wanting them to know or see me like this and letting them know.  Right now, not telling them is winning out.  I just don't want them to be burdened with what I am going through.  At the same time, I realize that if it were them going through this, I would be flat out angry if they didn't tell me.  A friend of mine would call me on this and tell me that I was having a double-standard and she would be right.

I am not in a good place today.  I didn't want to get out of bed, but finally pushed myself to do so.  I have a dentist appointment this afternoon and it is going to take everything I have to get myself ready to go...I just don't have any motivation.  I am pushing myself to even make this post.  I have noticed over the past two days that I have gotten very quiet.  I don't have anything to say...to anyone...about anything.  I have smiled more in the past week than I have over the past six months...until yesterday.  I know it is the depression, but this is one roller coaster ride that I am not enjoying.

I have to keep reminding myself that God's grace is sufficient and His strength is made perfect in my weakness...by His grace I will get through this and will come through the fire as pure gold.  Help me God because I cannot do this on my own.  This is the first day that I have been in tears since I started the medication.  I have been through some really hard things in my life, but this is by far the hardest.

Meds?

I've never liked the idea of anyone taking an anti-depressant.  I don't like how it seems to shut down their emotions, they never get angry, they are never sad, it is the same emotion 24/7.  Because of what I have seen in others, I have always been very resistant to taking medication as well as seeing a therapist.  The depression had to get to the place where I sat and cried all day, every day before I was willing to even consider talking to someone.  Then it had to get to the place where all I wanted to do was stay in bed all day, every day.  I couldn't function anymore.  I looked like a zombie.  I had absolutely zero motivation to get dressed, much less brush my teeth and forget about doing anything else.  I couldn't sleep, I totally lost my appetite or desire to see my family.  That is when I was ready to acknowledge that I might need to consider medication.

Thankfully, my therapist and doctor are working together and both agreed to start me out on small doses to ensure that I don't have a reaction to the meds.  They have also agreed that this is not a permanent thing.  The goal is to only be on it for a year and then slowly come off.  I started the medication 12 days ago.  I was told not to expect any noticeable changes for at least 3 weeks.  I am already seeing changes.  I am more relaxed.  I don't stress out over little things like I was.  I am sleeping again and while it may take me a while to actually get out of bed once I wake up, I don't want to stay in bed all day.  I'm not functioning to the degree that I once did, but I am getting a little done every day and for that, I am very grateful.

This is going to be a slow process, but I am ready to do what it will take to get through this.