Yawn...

I am still so incredibly tired...ready for this to pass.  All I want to do is sleep...correction...there are a plethora of things that I WANT to do...all I FEEL like doing is sleeping.  Good thing this is a down weekend...all I have to do is church and ministry on Sunday afternoon...the rest of the time, I can crash.  Other than that...I think that I will finish the book I am reading and then start another and snooze in between.  Sounds like a pretty good plan.  Think I'll even do it from the comfort of my bed rather than the couch...sounds like an even better plan. 

I am feeling good emotionally...I recognize that I still have issues and I know what I need to work on and that is a good thing.  Thankful that God reveals them at just the right moment along with the assurance that He will see me through as long as I stay surrendered and as clay in His hands that He can mold and shape into the vessel He wants me to be.  It is a good day!

Still Have Issues...

In spite of the peace and joy that I have been feeling, it was brought home to me this evening that I still have a need to be needed and it hurts when I am no longer needed.  Now...that isn't to make anyone feel bad...it is just the reality in my life.  I have always equated love with respect and being needed and when either of those things are absent, then I get depressed.  For years, I didn't realize that was what the problem was...now I know.  So...this is the issue that I need to work out in my own life...I need to figure out how to recognize that just because those in my life don't need me, that I am still loved...it isn't a bad thing to not be needed, but it is a strain on my God-given personality...it is a weakness that I need to work on.

So...I have shed a few crocodile tears, dried them and now it is time to move on.  I cannot continue to grieve over what was, I must live in the what is and in doing so, I must find my joy, my peace, my contentment and thrive as God works in my life!

Light At The End Of The Tunnel...

No, it isn't a train...it really is the light at the end of the tunnel that I see.  In the longest, darkest days of this depression, it was hard for me to trust that there would be a light at the end of the tunnel, much less see it.  My doctor and therapist are both very encouraged by my progress and can see that God is moving mightily in my life to deliver me from this depression (mire) and setting me on solid ground.  God has taught me so much through all of this and when I look back to how absolutely miserable I was this time last year...I can thank God for His mercy, His care, His protection, His leading and especially His love in taking me through this.  I am full of peace and joy...and I am walking daily according to God's Word, following the leading of His Spirit and trusting in His grace to see me through to the end.  God is good!

What I AM....

I am happy!  I am content!  I am at peace with who I am in Christ!  I am almost giddy with joy!  I am confident in what Christ is doing in my life!  I am totally and completely in love with my husband!  I am overjoyed to be a mom and grandmother!  I am grateful to have people in my life who have stayed by my side through all of the changes that Christ has been making in me!  I am thankful for the love, mercy, compassion, forgiveness and friendship that has been extended to me through so many unexpected areas!  I am on my way to healing!

I can now see a light at the end of the tunnel and it isn't headlights or a train...I don't know that I have ever felt so much joy and peace in all my days, but I am eternally thankful for my God and Savior who has filled me with both!

Time To Adjust AGAIN!

Meds were bumped up 5mg, so now the readjustment begins.  I am really tired.  There is lots that I WANT to do today...but not sure how much will get done since I am so very sleepy.  I know it won't be long before I am adjusted and the sleepiness will be a thing of the past.  I am excited for this change in the meds...we have finally found one that works with minimal side effects.  My thinking is clearer.  I feel peaceful.  I feel joyful way down inside, that bubbles over with giddiness on occasion...I just feel happy!  After the week I had last week...this is a welcome respite.

My husband took a photo of me this past weekend and texted it to our sons.  Our oldest replied with, "Wow!  Mom looks REALLY happy!"  His response made me happy and sad at the same time.  Happy that he recognized that I truly was happy, but sad because those moments throughout his life have been so few and far between.  I am just grateful that I am getting through this so that my grands will have a grandmother who truly is happy, healthy and loving her life and family.

This is a good day!

Over!

I still want it all to be OVER!  No, I am not going to end my life...I just don't want to do this anymore.  I am so done and over all of this mess...Lord, please just take me out of the equation so I don't have to deal with anyone or anything anymore!  Obviously, I am at YOUR mercy, because You are the one that has numbered my days and YOU are the one that determines when I check out.  I know that I can continue putting one foot in front of the other because You give me the strength to do so.  I know that I can continue to get through all of the emotions and survive the hurt because You are my protection.  I just don't want to do this anymore...for the first time in my life I REALLY want to just quit.

You are my refuge.  You are my hiding place.  You are my peace.  You are my joy.  You are my defense.  You are my salvation.  When I cannot or will not take one step further, You pick me up and carry me.  When I want to give up and quit, You refuse to give up or quit on me.  You are faithful, loving, kind and merciful.  Be my strength and rock this day!

Stick A Fork In Me...I'm DONE!

The problem with depression is that one moment you are on top of the world, nothing can get you down and the next, you are being buried under an avalanche and can't find your way out.  I am hurting so badly right now.  I am under the weight of spiritual attack and all those that I once counted on to be my prayer warriors, to stand in the gap for me when I was doing all I could to fight to keep my head above water...are no longer there because of a doctrinal disagreement.  Those who said that they would continue to be there for me and to love me have distanced themselves leaving me to stand alone to fight these attacks...my heart is heavy and it hurts, more because I know that I wouldn't have done that to them. 

My husband chose to allow the enemy to use him to attack me and while he has admitted that he has been a biblical donkey...I have hit ENOUGH...NEVER AGAIN...I refuse to be accused of something that I am not guilty of in order to manipulate me into doing something. 

I just want it all to be over...God please take me home now...I cannot take anymore...I just don't have the strength and as I finish speaking those words, I hear, "My strength is made perfect in your weakness..."I must continue to trust, to hold on to those precious nail scarred hands...grant me grace Lord!

Joy...Happiness...Overflowing!

Had a rough night last night...two asthma attacks, a migraine that caused me to get up and take something twice...but in spite of that, I woke up feeling so happy and ready to get something accomplished.  It has been sooooo long since I have felt this way and it feels WONDERFUL!  I have managed to get some things accomplished early today and even if I don't accomplish another thing...I'm still happy, oh so happy!  So much joy that it is really overflowing...can't stop smiling...just want to shout to the world...I AM HAPPY!  I am blessed beyond measure and so very thankful for the joy that my Savior has placed in my soul...Thank you Jesus for this blessed feeling!

Sometimes God Answers Quickly!

After my last post, my son came home from running his errand and let me know that he had quit his job and that I could go home whenever I was ready.  I spent that last day with him and the grands and enjoyed every moment with them, knowing that in spite of my severe homesickness, I was going to really miss them.  I left the next morning and made the long drive home to surprise my husband.  It is amazing how quickly the fog can disappear. 

God's timing is absolutely perfect.  A week after arriving to help with the kids, I had a major allergy attack that turned into a sinus infection, which moved into my lungs and caused my asthma to pitch a hissy fit.  Didn't realize how sick I was until the night I got home.  I have been in bed for the most part of the last week.  I wouldn't have been able to take care of the kids had I still been at their house.  Even though I do miss them terribly, I am very happy to be home.  The depression hasn't been so heavy this week and the joy/peace that I feel is a welcome respite to everything that has been happening over the last  two months.

Tomorrow I will have my first counseling session in almost a month.  Not even sure what I will need to talk about, but I am ready to get to work and figure myself out so that I can truly be me and not the person that EVERYONE thinks I should be...I must be the girl that God created and must follow His directions wholly.  What He knows of me is far more important than what anyone thinks of me.

Homesick...

I woke up this morning feeling an overwhelming need to just cry.  I am homesick.  I love my grands.  I love my son and daughter-in-law...but I so need to be home with my husband, surrounded by my stuff.  I just wanna go home.  I need answers as to what God wants us to do now.  Where He wants us to be now...I don't like being in limbo.  I don't like feeling at loose ends.  I don't like this stinking depression.  This is going to be a rough day and even the meds aren't exactly helping.  I'm turning into a basket case.  I should probably call my counselor...but struggle with trying to do it on my own.  Ahhhhhh!  I hate this!  God I NEED to hear from YOU!  My son can't figure out why I'm in tears and I can't explain it.  Someone turned the faucet on, it jammed and won't shut off!

Welcome To My Crazy Life!

The dark has given way to light, but the fog has not lifted and can be heavier at some moments while lighter at other moments.  I have had a fairly good morning, in spite of not going to sleep until after 1:00 A.M.  No fights or meltdowns with the grands, spent a good while talking to my oldest son...but now as I finish looking at everything I need to on the computer, I feel the fog rolling in, obscuring the sun, weighing me down and causing me to feel like bursting into tears.  Even this morning, for the first time in a long while, I burst into tears while having a conversation...no rhyme or reason, just did.  I don't like the randomness of depression any more than I like being buried in the blackness.  It can be so frustrating some days.  I even had two awesome devotions this morning and the scriptures were exactly what I needed.  Even though I feel sad, I still feel peace and joy...my life can be such an oxymoron even in the midst of all the insanity...I mean...how can you be sad and happy at the same moment?  I can't explain it...I just know that some days, that is how I feel.  So...welcome to my crazy life...welcome to the nut house!

It Is Getting Dark...

So very dark...it seems that the depression descends so very quickly these days, but I can say that it also lifts almost as quickly.  I am tired...have had a rough evening with my grand daughter being sassy and disobedient and thought that I was handling everything pretty good and just as I was getting ready to turn my computer off, I felt the darkness begin to fall, such an overwhelming sadness and desire to just burst into tears.  Almost immediately, the last part of a verse found in Psalms came to my mind, "...weeping may endure for the night, but joy cometh in the morning."  I will go to bed with those thoughts in my mind and trust that it is so.  I must walk by faith and not by sight...ask, believe and trust!

Weather Forecast...Slightly Foggy, Mostly Sunny...

Last night, I could feel the gray fog moving in just before the black hole blocks out all the light and depression completely takes over.  So very thankful to wake up with just a little fog hanging out, for the most part this day has been sunny and somewhat productive.  Feeling very much in limbo...not sure what I am supposed to be doing, or where I am supposed to be.  Feeling very much like my life is about to change yet again and that slightly terrifies me.  A friend sent me a text that said, "Many people request things from God (ask in my name, and I will do) but then look at their circumstances to "see" if God has answered their prayer.  This is walking by sight and not by faith."  As tempting as it is to look around at what appears to be utter devastation in my life and say, "where are you God?" I know that He is right here, holding me, protecting me, letting me rest a bit before He takes me the rest of the way to what He has planned for me...so today, I must choose to walk by faith, trust that He knows what He is doing and wait for Him to show me what He has planned.  "Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart; wait, I say, on the Lord."  Psalm 27:14

I'm Surviving!

Barely...keeping my head above water.  I am so very tired.  I love my grands dearly...love spending time with them, playing with them, loving and cuddling with them...but the sad truth is that I've raised my sons and I am TIRED!  Too tired to raise my grands now.  The depression saps me of my energy and ability to recharge as quickly as I used to.  I am having to realize that I cannot do it ALL any more...I am not Superwoman!  I retired my cape, so why am I still trying to put it back on?!  I would say that I need my head examined, but since that is already being done...although, two weeks without a session and I am feeling it.  I cannot handle being away from my home or my husband for a month doing basically nothing.  I cannot handle being responsible for two very active children for a month, even if it is for a few hours in the evening and the weekends...so to try to do it 24/7, at my home without a real break for a month is going to be totally out of the question.  I hate not being able to be there for my children and grands...but I just do not have it in me...I just do not have the strength.  So like I said...I'm surviving...BARELY!