The day started out fairly well, until I had to respond to an e-mail and a facebook message. I am so tired of answering the whys for others. I just need time that I don't have to continuously think about the changes in my life or discuss it or listen to others who want to constantly talk about it. I feel like I have been overloaded and can no longer process it all.
The sadness that I feel that those who have been "family" to me for years now treat me as though I am dead to them just breaks my heart more than I can express.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
I've Had My Moments...
There have been moments this week that I wanted to fire off a "SOS" text to my therapist. Moments when I thought I would go berserk. Today was a much easier start than the past few days and I am feeling much more calm in spite of the lack of sleep last night. I am thankful that my grands slept through the night, but trying to sleep with the three year old in a twin bed when she tosses and turns worse than I do...ugh...it was rough. The result...she slept, I didn't. Amazingly, I'm not feeling worn out or like a zombie...could have something to do with the fact that I am switching my lexipro to a night dosage rather than morning. I couldn't handle feeling so sleepy throughout the day.
However, I know that come tomorrow...I am going to really be missing my weekly session. Just knowing that it is coming up and I can talk about whatever has been happening, really does help me stay focused and calm through whatever occurs during the week...not sure how I'm going to do without it this week, or the next, or the next, or the next. I may actually have to send out a "SOS" before it is over with.
Other than being really tired...I haven't been battling the dark as much as I was. I'm thinking that I'm on the right dosage and have finally found a medication that is going to work. I do feel more clear headed and I am able to function. Motivation is still being a stranger, but I'm guessing that will return when it is time. I have to keep reminding myself that getting through this is a process and that I didn't get here over night and I will not come through it over night, so my desire to be done YESTERDAY is just not realistic nor is it going to happen. Apparently, this is the only way I am going to learn patience...so off I go to breathe and enjoy the day along with all the sweetness and beauty that I can find.
However, I know that come tomorrow...I am going to really be missing my weekly session. Just knowing that it is coming up and I can talk about whatever has been happening, really does help me stay focused and calm through whatever occurs during the week...not sure how I'm going to do without it this week, or the next, or the next, or the next. I may actually have to send out a "SOS" before it is over with.
Other than being really tired...I haven't been battling the dark as much as I was. I'm thinking that I'm on the right dosage and have finally found a medication that is going to work. I do feel more clear headed and I am able to function. Motivation is still being a stranger, but I'm guessing that will return when it is time. I have to keep reminding myself that getting through this is a process and that I didn't get here over night and I will not come through it over night, so my desire to be done YESTERDAY is just not realistic nor is it going to happen. Apparently, this is the only way I am going to learn patience...so off I go to breathe and enjoy the day along with all the sweetness and beauty that I can find.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Bees Buzzing In My Head...
That is what it feels like...a swarm of bees buzzing in my head...making me really tired. So...my therapist recommended, very strongly, that I start taking melatonin before bed since my meds were making me a little manic and I wasn't sleeping. The melatonin works great...well...maybe a little too great because not only was I sleeping at night...I was sleeping most of the day too. Apparently 5mg is a little too much for me to handle. ;-D Guess I need to get some 3mg, but until I have some money...I'll have to wait a bit. Doesn't seem to be much of a problem though...I haven't taken one in five days and I'm still sleepy. Granted, I don't sleep straight through the night and now that my grand daughter is in the same room with me...I hear every move she makes, but...I am sleeping and I am resting, so it is all good.
This past week has been strange for me. In the aftermath of huge decisions and even bigger changes, I have really struggled with how I feel during the fall-out. I have been angry with the two men who were/are over me, making the entire situation about them. I have been frustrated at being misunderstood even though I am being very clear in what I am saying. I have been very sad at the number of those that I counted as very close friends, even considered them to be family, who have disassociated themselves from us and our ministry as though having anything to do with us will cause damage to their ministry, testimony or reputations. But through it all, there has been a peace and a stillness that is hard to describe. When doubts or second-guessings arise, they are quickly snuffed out by the voice of God reminding me that His sheep know His voice and another they will not follow. He reminds me that He is leading me and that I'm not to turn to the left or the right, but to go where He tells me as He tells me. There is such a settled-ness in my spirit, a confidence in following Christ, of hearing His Word over and again when a question arises or a decision has to be made, there is a confidence that wasn't there before, like when you are taking a trip and you KNOW WHERE you are going and HOW to get there, no questions, no doubts, just confidence that you are headed in the right direction.
Yesterday, I made the trip from my home to my son's home. It is an 8.5 hour drive. The housing subdivision that he lives in is so new that the GPS cannot locate it, so I programmed it to go to the city center. About 30 miles out from the town, my son calls and tells me to take the loop rather than going into town and tells me that once on the loop, I will be turning right onto the main highway that runs past the subdivision. I passed one exit for the town, then a second and then wondered if I was going to end up in the next city that is another hour's drive away. I knew WHERE I was going, but I wasn't confident in HOW to get there, so I pulled off the highway and called him...I only needed to go a little further to make that right turn and then I knew where I was and had no problem finding the house. I was totally confident in where I was going and how to get there up to a point, then doubt and second-guessing crept in...however, when it came to the decision that I was pushed into making, I now have no doubts that I made the right choice and that God IS leading me in His paths...that confidence is overwhelming and I won't trade it for the approval of others, the love of others or the acceptance of others.
This past week, I have seen those who truly have the love of Christ within them and I have seen those who profess to have something they do not truly possess, because I have witnessed the spirit of a Pharisee in the way they have treated us. The Bible clearly tells me that they will know we are His disciples by our LOVE one for another. It also tells me that love covers a multitude of sins, in other words, those who love will do everything they can to cover the shortcomings of another rather than calling attention to them and judging them. The Scripture also tells me to judge not, lest I be judged for whatsoever judgement I mete out, that shall I also be judged with. Most importantly, the Bible tells me to love others as myself. If I truly live that out, then I won't do things to others that I wouldn't want done to me.
What has all of this to do with depression? Too much...wanting to be accepted, loved, thought highly of, making decisions with those unconscious motivations, letting others unduly push me to make decisions throughout my life due to those unconscious motivators, trying to please everyone and making no one happy and especially not me or even God...all of these things have contributed to the depression. In order to get beyond it, I must unravel all of this tangled mess...this is just one very long strand.
This past week has been strange for me. In the aftermath of huge decisions and even bigger changes, I have really struggled with how I feel during the fall-out. I have been angry with the two men who were/are over me, making the entire situation about them. I have been frustrated at being misunderstood even though I am being very clear in what I am saying. I have been very sad at the number of those that I counted as very close friends, even considered them to be family, who have disassociated themselves from us and our ministry as though having anything to do with us will cause damage to their ministry, testimony or reputations. But through it all, there has been a peace and a stillness that is hard to describe. When doubts or second-guessings arise, they are quickly snuffed out by the voice of God reminding me that His sheep know His voice and another they will not follow. He reminds me that He is leading me and that I'm not to turn to the left or the right, but to go where He tells me as He tells me. There is such a settled-ness in my spirit, a confidence in following Christ, of hearing His Word over and again when a question arises or a decision has to be made, there is a confidence that wasn't there before, like when you are taking a trip and you KNOW WHERE you are going and HOW to get there, no questions, no doubts, just confidence that you are headed in the right direction.
Yesterday, I made the trip from my home to my son's home. It is an 8.5 hour drive. The housing subdivision that he lives in is so new that the GPS cannot locate it, so I programmed it to go to the city center. About 30 miles out from the town, my son calls and tells me to take the loop rather than going into town and tells me that once on the loop, I will be turning right onto the main highway that runs past the subdivision. I passed one exit for the town, then a second and then wondered if I was going to end up in the next city that is another hour's drive away. I knew WHERE I was going, but I wasn't confident in HOW to get there, so I pulled off the highway and called him...I only needed to go a little further to make that right turn and then I knew where I was and had no problem finding the house. I was totally confident in where I was going and how to get there up to a point, then doubt and second-guessing crept in...however, when it came to the decision that I was pushed into making, I now have no doubts that I made the right choice and that God IS leading me in His paths...that confidence is overwhelming and I won't trade it for the approval of others, the love of others or the acceptance of others.
This past week, I have seen those who truly have the love of Christ within them and I have seen those who profess to have something they do not truly possess, because I have witnessed the spirit of a Pharisee in the way they have treated us. The Bible clearly tells me that they will know we are His disciples by our LOVE one for another. It also tells me that love covers a multitude of sins, in other words, those who love will do everything they can to cover the shortcomings of another rather than calling attention to them and judging them. The Scripture also tells me to judge not, lest I be judged for whatsoever judgement I mete out, that shall I also be judged with. Most importantly, the Bible tells me to love others as myself. If I truly live that out, then I won't do things to others that I wouldn't want done to me.
What has all of this to do with depression? Too much...wanting to be accepted, loved, thought highly of, making decisions with those unconscious motivations, letting others unduly push me to make decisions throughout my life due to those unconscious motivators, trying to please everyone and making no one happy and especially not me or even God...all of these things have contributed to the depression. In order to get beyond it, I must unravel all of this tangled mess...this is just one very long strand.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Words I Would Say...
These are some of the things that I shared with a friend concerning all that we have been facing and how I truly feel about it all.
"Just continue to pray. My intention was never to leave the Church, but to find answers and truth in God's Word and hope to see changes made within the Church so that she could be what God intended, but I was put in a position of choosing whether to continue doing the same ole thing or finding the truth and I have to follow God. I want to be wholly His and to be pleasing in all things to Him. I am not doing any of this to be rebellious or disobedient...I need it to all be settled in my heart by Him.
I am not concerned about anyone bad mouthing us...that is between them and God and He can handle them far better than I can, so please don't feel the need to defend us. Matter of fact, remember they are souls who have been deceived to believe they can treat others in such a way and still enter into heaven...pray for them and love them in the hopes of seeing them truly saved and spared from the pits of hell.
I have no desire to burn bridges or to make enemies of anyone, so I am doing my best to respond with wisdom and love and there are some that I will just not respond to because it would be a lose-lose situation. I will not debate or argue nor will I even attempt to explain any more than I already have. I have had a few, who truly loved me enough to call and ask me what is going on. While they do not agree, they have made it clear that they will not be breaking fellowship with us, nor will this cause them to love us less and that they will continue to pray for us. There are others who have chosen to believe the gossip that they have heard under the pretext of giving a prayer request while not knowing the truth...those, God will have to deal with...I am not their judge or jury...He is and His Word tells me that whatever judgment I mete out, that same judgment will I be met with...so I leave them in His hands. I am not saying that it won't/doesn't hurt, but I cannot be pleasing to Him if I do not love others as myself and treat them with the same love, compassion and mercy that I would want to be treated with."
There will be many who pass judgment upon us without ever speaking to us concerning this. That makes me sad and all I can do is pray that they never have to experience this pain in their own lives.
I have battled the depression all week...doing my best not to give in to it, but there have been some moments that I have just wanted to sink into the black oblivion of it so that I wouldn't have to deal with the pain that has been inflicted by the lack of love or wisdom, by the words, attitudes and actions of others.
As I drove to the post office to mail the letter and my license to headquarters, I felt God speak to my spirit, "it is time to move on...do not grieve for what is past." I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and continue seeking Him for all the answers. It isn't easy, but the price is not too high, though the pain be great!
"Just continue to pray. My intention was never to leave the Church, but to find answers and truth in God's Word and hope to see changes made within the Church so that she could be what God intended, but I was put in a position of choosing whether to continue doing the same ole thing or finding the truth and I have to follow God. I want to be wholly His and to be pleasing in all things to Him. I am not doing any of this to be rebellious or disobedient...I need it to all be settled in my heart by Him.
I am not concerned about anyone bad mouthing us...that is between them and God and He can handle them far better than I can, so please don't feel the need to defend us. Matter of fact, remember they are souls who have been deceived to believe they can treat others in such a way and still enter into heaven...pray for them and love them in the hopes of seeing them truly saved and spared from the pits of hell.
I have no desire to burn bridges or to make enemies of anyone, so I am doing my best to respond with wisdom and love and there are some that I will just not respond to because it would be a lose-lose situation. I will not debate or argue nor will I even attempt to explain any more than I already have. I have had a few, who truly loved me enough to call and ask me what is going on. While they do not agree, they have made it clear that they will not be breaking fellowship with us, nor will this cause them to love us less and that they will continue to pray for us. There are others who have chosen to believe the gossip that they have heard under the pretext of giving a prayer request while not knowing the truth...those, God will have to deal with...I am not their judge or jury...He is and His Word tells me that whatever judgment I mete out, that same judgment will I be met with...so I leave them in His hands. I am not saying that it won't/doesn't hurt, but I cannot be pleasing to Him if I do not love others as myself and treat them with the same love, compassion and mercy that I would want to be treated with."
There will be many who pass judgment upon us without ever speaking to us concerning this. That makes me sad and all I can do is pray that they never have to experience this pain in their own lives.
I have battled the depression all week...doing my best not to give in to it, but there have been some moments that I have just wanted to sink into the black oblivion of it so that I wouldn't have to deal with the pain that has been inflicted by the lack of love or wisdom, by the words, attitudes and actions of others.
As I drove to the post office to mail the letter and my license to headquarters, I felt God speak to my spirit, "it is time to move on...do not grieve for what is past." I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and continue seeking Him for all the answers. It isn't easy, but the price is not too high, though the pain be great!
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Even Keel?
Not likely! Just about the time I think that I can start moving again...BAM! the rug gets jerked out from underneath me. I think that I have actually found something worse than someone you thought loved you talking behind your back...doing it on facebook as though you aren't going to know who they are talking about. One thing is certain though...it is there in black and white...no denying it, unless of course you wise up and delete the post.
I wonder how long it will be before those who have been sending messages and notes of love and encouragement will also jump onto the gossip's bandwagon and begin judging me as well. I know that many will think that I brought this upon myself and that I should have expected this and to a degree, they would be right...but what I never expected was to be made to feel expendable or worthless. Considering that I have not been spoken to by ANYONE over me concerning my action or decision...that is exactly how I feel, expendable, worthless and unloved by those professing to be a child of God.
I have been looking in the mirror and am coming face-to-face with who I am and what I believe and I am trusting God to show me through His Word what I am to follow since that is what He will judge me by...too bad that too many people are so convinced that they have nothing left to work on in their own lives so they no longer need to look into the mirror.
This is going to be a rough day!
I wonder how long it will be before those who have been sending messages and notes of love and encouragement will also jump onto the gossip's bandwagon and begin judging me as well. I know that many will think that I brought this upon myself and that I should have expected this and to a degree, they would be right...but what I never expected was to be made to feel expendable or worthless. Considering that I have not been spoken to by ANYONE over me concerning my action or decision...that is exactly how I feel, expendable, worthless and unloved by those professing to be a child of God.
I have been looking in the mirror and am coming face-to-face with who I am and what I believe and I am trusting God to show me through His Word what I am to follow since that is what He will judge me by...too bad that too many people are so convinced that they have nothing left to work on in their own lives so they no longer need to look into the mirror.
This is going to be a rough day!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Snowball...NO...AVALANCHE!
I am so fed up with people leaning to their own understanding and their actions pushing others to make decisions that they aren't ready to make, if they are even supposed to make those decisions EVER! Then others get involved and it snowballs and then it becomes an avalanche and someone is bound to get hurt if not killed!
I am desperately seeking God, trying to find and establish what I truly believe, based on His Word, not a set of rules of do's and don't's or someone's opinion or personal convictions. Some times, I have to step out of the accepted norm of how most would assume you should find your way because I don't learn like most people. When God settles something in my heart, He settles it and I will not waver, but when I am made to feel guilty by those around me, then I will continue to struggle with it. I need godly conviction and I need to hear from God through His Word and said conviction. What I am finding though, is that some of the things that I have just accepted as right and true and scriptural are NOT. So...a few weeks ago, I stepped out of the norm and did something, praying and still praying that God would reveal to me through His convicting power and through His Word whether what I've been taught is sin and pride really is sin and pride. My intention was to find my way within the confines of the Church. Not bringing attention to what I had done or to lead anyone else astray or cause them to question, because that is not my goal. I am not trying to cause division or anything of that nature...I'm simply trying to solidify what is true, righteous and holy in my own heart. My husband/pastor couldn't just allow me the freedom to do that...he had to go up the chain of command, who made it very clear that I couldn't do that, which caused me to have to make a decision as to whether I was going to continue following something that I was clearly seeing as not scriptural or continue earnestly seeking God, but outside the confines of the Church. It was not a choice that I wanted to make, but in trying to make it easier on others (yes, I am still very much trying to please and make everyone around me happy...haven't learned how to turn that off yet) I made the decision to be disfellowshipped from our church. That is when the snowball turned into an avalanche because my husband decided that he needed to walk away from the Church too and sent a message up the chain of command and to our local congregation.
The one thing of import that I have learned in these recent events is that to the Church, I am expendable. I am worthless and not worth the effort. Those in leadership have demonstrated that there is no need to speak to me concerning this decision or try to counsel me regarding it...matter of fact, when reading the e-mails sent to my husband, it is very clear that they are holding the door open and escorting us out like so much garbage being tossed out of the window of a speeding car. Those closest to us are upset because we haven't talked to them about what we have been struggling with, not understanding that I withheld that information because I don't want to be guilty of causing someone else to doubt, to stumble or to fall. I am trying to find my way and although I am trying my best not to lean on my own understanding, trying my best to follow God's Word, I can still miss it because I am human. Some are disappointed because they feel that we gave up instead of standing and fighting. Once again, not realizing that those who insist that we stay, stand and fight are by their actions shouting loud and clear, that they aren't willing to stand and fight with us...we are expected to martyr ourselves while they say, "I've got your back"...yeah...they are WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY back! Some understand where we are coming from, some are sincerely praying for us and amazingly...we received so many texts, calls and messages, of love and support and "I'm praying for you," on Sunday, when most did not have any idea what was happening. God is letting us know that He is still with us and that He is placing us upon the hearts of others who are lifting us up in prayer.
It was never my intent or desire to walk away from what I have been a part of for 37 years, something that I was raised in for 46 years. I simply wanted and still am trying to find God's truth in His Word and follow it to the best of my knowledge and ability, rightly dividing the Word of truth, the New Testament as my rule of faith and practice...to do anything else is not an option.
The last thing I ever wanted was to have to deal with decisions like this, on a good day, but most definitely not during a time of dealing with major depression, when I already feel worthless and broken, that I don't matter. I keep reminding myself that God was not caught by surprise...that He saw this coming long ago and I have to trust Him to lead me...I cannot follow the voice of another...it must be His voice alone. I am not in a good place emotionally today. I have been in tears, praying...I need answers from God...please put that post it note right between my eyes so I don't miss what You are trying to say!
I am desperately seeking God, trying to find and establish what I truly believe, based on His Word, not a set of rules of do's and don't's or someone's opinion or personal convictions. Some times, I have to step out of the accepted norm of how most would assume you should find your way because I don't learn like most people. When God settles something in my heart, He settles it and I will not waver, but when I am made to feel guilty by those around me, then I will continue to struggle with it. I need godly conviction and I need to hear from God through His Word and said conviction. What I am finding though, is that some of the things that I have just accepted as right and true and scriptural are NOT. So...a few weeks ago, I stepped out of the norm and did something, praying and still praying that God would reveal to me through His convicting power and through His Word whether what I've been taught is sin and pride really is sin and pride. My intention was to find my way within the confines of the Church. Not bringing attention to what I had done or to lead anyone else astray or cause them to question, because that is not my goal. I am not trying to cause division or anything of that nature...I'm simply trying to solidify what is true, righteous and holy in my own heart. My husband/pastor couldn't just allow me the freedom to do that...he had to go up the chain of command, who made it very clear that I couldn't do that, which caused me to have to make a decision as to whether I was going to continue following something that I was clearly seeing as not scriptural or continue earnestly seeking God, but outside the confines of the Church. It was not a choice that I wanted to make, but in trying to make it easier on others (yes, I am still very much trying to please and make everyone around me happy...haven't learned how to turn that off yet) I made the decision to be disfellowshipped from our church. That is when the snowball turned into an avalanche because my husband decided that he needed to walk away from the Church too and sent a message up the chain of command and to our local congregation.
The one thing of import that I have learned in these recent events is that to the Church, I am expendable. I am worthless and not worth the effort. Those in leadership have demonstrated that there is no need to speak to me concerning this decision or try to counsel me regarding it...matter of fact, when reading the e-mails sent to my husband, it is very clear that they are holding the door open and escorting us out like so much garbage being tossed out of the window of a speeding car. Those closest to us are upset because we haven't talked to them about what we have been struggling with, not understanding that I withheld that information because I don't want to be guilty of causing someone else to doubt, to stumble or to fall. I am trying to find my way and although I am trying my best not to lean on my own understanding, trying my best to follow God's Word, I can still miss it because I am human. Some are disappointed because they feel that we gave up instead of standing and fighting. Once again, not realizing that those who insist that we stay, stand and fight are by their actions shouting loud and clear, that they aren't willing to stand and fight with us...we are expected to martyr ourselves while they say, "I've got your back"...yeah...they are WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY back! Some understand where we are coming from, some are sincerely praying for us and amazingly...we received so many texts, calls and messages, of love and support and "I'm praying for you," on Sunday, when most did not have any idea what was happening. God is letting us know that He is still with us and that He is placing us upon the hearts of others who are lifting us up in prayer.
It was never my intent or desire to walk away from what I have been a part of for 37 years, something that I was raised in for 46 years. I simply wanted and still am trying to find God's truth in His Word and follow it to the best of my knowledge and ability, rightly dividing the Word of truth, the New Testament as my rule of faith and practice...to do anything else is not an option.
The last thing I ever wanted was to have to deal with decisions like this, on a good day, but most definitely not during a time of dealing with major depression, when I already feel worthless and broken, that I don't matter. I keep reminding myself that God was not caught by surprise...that He saw this coming long ago and I have to trust Him to lead me...I cannot follow the voice of another...it must be His voice alone. I am not in a good place emotionally today. I have been in tears, praying...I need answers from God...please put that post it note right between my eyes so I don't miss what You are trying to say!
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Earnestly Seeking...Frustrated...In Tears!
This day has started out really rough. I'm not even sure if I have the words to explain. There are so many thoughts and emotions swirling through my mind. Where should I even attempt to start?
I have always had a great fear of those that I love or think highly of, will one day realize that I am worthless and not worth the effort and will walk out of my life and leave me. This fear has caused me to become very introverted as a way to prevent me from being hurt. I keep my true self locked away so that others will love me...problem with that, is they don't really know ME, so how can they truly LOVE me? It is a double edged sword.
This fear has affected the choices I have made throughout the years and while some may think that some of those choices were good and right...I am realizing that when it causes me to follow and accept what others say, think or believe blindly...that isn't a good thing. That is becoming more apparent with each passing day.
I realize that God has brought me to this deep depression to clarify my thinking...to cause me to examine what I believe about Him, His purpose for me, His purpose for His Church and what His Word truly says. For most of my life, I have just followed blindly what the Church has taught...I've settled for the answers to my questions being, "because that is what the church teaches" and never took it any further...just accepted and did what was expected.
Now, I am at a place that God is opening up His Word and causing me to read and to understand and He is asking me the questions, "What did I mean? What was I truly saying? Who am I speaking to? What was happening in the world at that time? Am I speaking literally or figuratively? How do you rightly divide this? What is the proper context?" The answers that I am getting, are making me really uncomfortable, because it questions the way I have lived my life. It questions the way I raised my sons and the things that I taught them to believe...it questions everything that I have based my life on. I know that when the dust settles, I will be left with what I truly know and believe based on God's Word...but in the end...how many that I count as friends will still be my friend. How many that I have believed loved me will still love me? That fear of being left takes over and it makes it hard to be brutally honest with myself and it makes it even harder to do what I have to do to find the answers
I have been pleading with God to make the path clear...to keep me from being deceived...to prevent me from leading others astray and I keep hearing the words, "take your time and pray" from the song, "The Words I Would Say" by Sidewalk Prophets. My husband doesn't like the way that I "search" because it sometimes means that I do things that will get me in trouble with those over me or cause those that I serve beside to judge my relationship with Christ. I know where my relationship with Christ stands and I know what He is speaking to my heart. I haven't backslid, nor have I broken my covenant to keep the New Testament as my rule of faith and practice and to walk in the light to the best of my knowledge and ability. I am seeking Him as I rightly divide His Word. I am listening to His voice and will no longer follow any other blindly or otherwise. God has my attention and I am being still and listening...earnestly seeking!
Now...add to that, the feeling that when I do open my mouth, when I do try to help others, that it seems that I am, nine times out of ten, misunderstood...which also causes me to be introverted...some days it just gets to be too much. Right now, I wonder why I bother to invest myself in others when in the end, I usually end up with egg on my face, or get painted as the bad guy. It is moments like this that makes me want to lock myself away in the closet and never come out. Is it any wonder that I want to run away to a deserted island and never have to deal with people ever again? It seems as though those around me get some kind of perverted pleasure in pointing out how flawed I am or how I really didn't do something right. It is perfectly acceptable, to them, to criticize and point out how, in my helping, that I have done so much damage and to blame me for problems in other relationships while not stopping to consider the pain they are inflicting upon me. Today is just really hard. Trying to figure out if it is a "pity party" kind of day or if the depression is taking over...really don't care for either one. It isn't necessary for anyone else to point out my flaws or failures...I crucify myself quite well, thank you! I don't need help in that department. I am so tired of all of this...so tired of hurting, so tired of being afraid, so tired of feeling worthless and being made to feel that way...I just want it to be over. Why do I always have to be faced with the hard stuff...can't life be easy for me for just a little while?
Sorry, but today, I don't have an encouraging spin to put on how I am feeling. I don't even have the strength to put one foot in front of the other to keep moving. I am going to just sit here and wait until I KNOW where to go and what to do. Stick a fork in me...I am DONE!
I have always had a great fear of those that I love or think highly of, will one day realize that I am worthless and not worth the effort and will walk out of my life and leave me. This fear has caused me to become very introverted as a way to prevent me from being hurt. I keep my true self locked away so that others will love me...problem with that, is they don't really know ME, so how can they truly LOVE me? It is a double edged sword.
This fear has affected the choices I have made throughout the years and while some may think that some of those choices were good and right...I am realizing that when it causes me to follow and accept what others say, think or believe blindly...that isn't a good thing. That is becoming more apparent with each passing day.
I realize that God has brought me to this deep depression to clarify my thinking...to cause me to examine what I believe about Him, His purpose for me, His purpose for His Church and what His Word truly says. For most of my life, I have just followed blindly what the Church has taught...I've settled for the answers to my questions being, "because that is what the church teaches" and never took it any further...just accepted and did what was expected.
Now, I am at a place that God is opening up His Word and causing me to read and to understand and He is asking me the questions, "What did I mean? What was I truly saying? Who am I speaking to? What was happening in the world at that time? Am I speaking literally or figuratively? How do you rightly divide this? What is the proper context?" The answers that I am getting, are making me really uncomfortable, because it questions the way I have lived my life. It questions the way I raised my sons and the things that I taught them to believe...it questions everything that I have based my life on. I know that when the dust settles, I will be left with what I truly know and believe based on God's Word...but in the end...how many that I count as friends will still be my friend. How many that I have believed loved me will still love me? That fear of being left takes over and it makes it hard to be brutally honest with myself and it makes it even harder to do what I have to do to find the answers
I have been pleading with God to make the path clear...to keep me from being deceived...to prevent me from leading others astray and I keep hearing the words, "take your time and pray" from the song, "The Words I Would Say" by Sidewalk Prophets. My husband doesn't like the way that I "search" because it sometimes means that I do things that will get me in trouble with those over me or cause those that I serve beside to judge my relationship with Christ. I know where my relationship with Christ stands and I know what He is speaking to my heart. I haven't backslid, nor have I broken my covenant to keep the New Testament as my rule of faith and practice and to walk in the light to the best of my knowledge and ability. I am seeking Him as I rightly divide His Word. I am listening to His voice and will no longer follow any other blindly or otherwise. God has my attention and I am being still and listening...earnestly seeking!
Now...add to that, the feeling that when I do open my mouth, when I do try to help others, that it seems that I am, nine times out of ten, misunderstood...which also causes me to be introverted...some days it just gets to be too much. Right now, I wonder why I bother to invest myself in others when in the end, I usually end up with egg on my face, or get painted as the bad guy. It is moments like this that makes me want to lock myself away in the closet and never come out. Is it any wonder that I want to run away to a deserted island and never have to deal with people ever again? It seems as though those around me get some kind of perverted pleasure in pointing out how flawed I am or how I really didn't do something right. It is perfectly acceptable, to them, to criticize and point out how, in my helping, that I have done so much damage and to blame me for problems in other relationships while not stopping to consider the pain they are inflicting upon me. Today is just really hard. Trying to figure out if it is a "pity party" kind of day or if the depression is taking over...really don't care for either one. It isn't necessary for anyone else to point out my flaws or failures...I crucify myself quite well, thank you! I don't need help in that department. I am so tired of all of this...so tired of hurting, so tired of being afraid, so tired of feeling worthless and being made to feel that way...I just want it to be over. Why do I always have to be faced with the hard stuff...can't life be easy for me for just a little while?
Sorry, but today, I don't have an encouraging spin to put on how I am feeling. I don't even have the strength to put one foot in front of the other to keep moving. I am going to just sit here and wait until I KNOW where to go and what to do. Stick a fork in me...I am DONE!
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