Yesterday I said, "so long" to zoloft. The first dose left me feeling numb...I had no reactions to anything, which can be nice, at times, but not ALL the time. When we bumped up the dosage, I began to feel everything very deeply and was swinging from one emotion to another very quickly. Never knew how I was going to react or respond. I need a happy medium. I still want to and need to feel my emotions, but I can't have them all over the place. Rather than bump it up again, my doctor felt like we needed to try something different, so...hello lexipro. First dose was this morning and I do not feel nearly so drug out as I did on the zoloft. I'm hoping that the side effects that I experienced with the zoloft will not be present with the lexipro. Once again, I'm starting on baby doses and in two months we'll decide if that is the right dose or if we need to bump it up. I'm feeling pretty leveled out today, emotionally, that is and I actually have some "get up and want to" about me today. That has been so rare for the past 6 months. I am very grateful for the medical team that God has surrounded me with. My doctor was very happy that my blood pressure and heart rate were at excellent levels yesterday. I am hoping that the longer I am wheat/gluten free, the lower they will become so that I can stop the blood pressure meds. Getting off the drugs, one at a time, will make me a happy girl.
So anyway...if you are dealing with depression and you are taking a med that doesn't seem to be working, don't get discouraged, work with your doctor to find one that will help. It doesn't have to be a life sentence.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
Twisted...Warped Sense of Humor!
Up one moment, down the next...some days it is never ending. I don't like changes, so this roller coaster is making me a little nuts. Okay...so I am a lot nuts...I am having to have my head examined weekly and I am having to take drugs. Everyone always suspected that I was crazy, now it is certifiable. I guess I should be making my reservations for the padded room and getting fitted for my new white jacket that will hug me and make me feel all better. Yes, my sense of humor is very twisted at this moment. If I don't laugh at the situation that I have found myself in, I would spend all day, every day, in tears.
In the midst of this depression, God is revealing things in His Word and in those revelations, directing me to make HUGE changes...some of them are coming a lot easier and faster than even my counselor expected...others are heart wrenching changes that are going to be taken a lot slower and will come at a very high price. It is in moments of clarity that I wonder why I can't just simply deal with the depression and then once I'm passed that, deal with these huge decisions...but oh no...God has a warped sense of humor as well and this is exactly when He wants me to deal with all of this.
All that is left for me to do is to pray that God will prevent me from leaning on my own understanding, will give me clear direction and will prevent me from being deceived. The price is too high for me to make these kinds of changes without KNOWING that HE is directing them. Jesus have mercy on me and lead me through this mine field of depression and changes. Amen!
In the midst of this depression, God is revealing things in His Word and in those revelations, directing me to make HUGE changes...some of them are coming a lot easier and faster than even my counselor expected...others are heart wrenching changes that are going to be taken a lot slower and will come at a very high price. It is in moments of clarity that I wonder why I can't just simply deal with the depression and then once I'm passed that, deal with these huge decisions...but oh no...God has a warped sense of humor as well and this is exactly when He wants me to deal with all of this.
All that is left for me to do is to pray that God will prevent me from leaning on my own understanding, will give me clear direction and will prevent me from being deceived. The price is too high for me to make these kinds of changes without KNOWING that HE is directing them. Jesus have mercy on me and lead me through this mine field of depression and changes. Amen!
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
It Is What It is!
Some days frustrations, aggravations, burdens, hurts, heartaches are just that and you have to recognize they are there and then decide what to do with them. It is what it is...I can choose to hang onto it or let it go. Today...I just need to leave them where they are and go on with life. I have enough to deal with in my recovery without adding a bunch of unnecessary weight to my already overloaded shoulders. I still have that sick knot in the pit of my stomach...not sure how long that will choose to hang around, but I have too much to do to sit around and mope or to spend the day in bed not able to function. Today is one of those days that I can and will push through and I will accomplish what I need to. So...having committed myself to doing that...time for me to sign off and get busy!
Sunday, April 8, 2012
I Am Done!
After a great deal of discussion and prayer...my husband and I have reached a decision. He will continue to pastor and I will totally and completely step out of ministry until I have gotten through this, effective immediately. I will be there to pray for him and will support him in some things, but he will continue his ministry without me. I will no longer hold the positions that I've been holding and once I have certain things caught up, those obligations will be passed on to someone else as well. I will be surrendering my minister's license and if God chooses to use me in that capacity later on...it will have to be without a license.
Am I still angry? Not really. Frustrated somewhat, but that will dissolve in time. I am more saddened by the events that have transpired since Thursday. I am just a mite floored that people who should really know better honestly thought that I wouldn't know the truth of what has transpired. I really do not have the word "STUPID" written across my face. However, what someone else decides to do is something they will have to give an account to God for...I cannot take on blame for someone else's choices or actions. I cannot sit and beat myself up over it and I refuse to allow it to take all my energy and focus it upon them rather than focusing on myself and the healing that I need to do.
This is Easter Sunday and I do not want anything between me and my Savior. I surrender the anger, I surrender the frustration, I surrender any other emotion that I have yet to put a name to. I surrender my "rights" to hold onto any of them. I want to hear from my God and I want to feel His touch upon my life today. The enemy of my soul may win a battle on occasion, but he will most definitely NOT win the war. Jesus has already won the war! Just as "Good Friday" was a very dark day for Jesus...just a few days later, the SON rose again and dispelled the darkness, just as He has done for me this past weekend. So thankful that even when the world is crumbling around my shoulders, He reminds me that He has risen and I can rejoice in spite of my circumstances.
Am I still angry? Not really. Frustrated somewhat, but that will dissolve in time. I am more saddened by the events that have transpired since Thursday. I am just a mite floored that people who should really know better honestly thought that I wouldn't know the truth of what has transpired. I really do not have the word "STUPID" written across my face. However, what someone else decides to do is something they will have to give an account to God for...I cannot take on blame for someone else's choices or actions. I cannot sit and beat myself up over it and I refuse to allow it to take all my energy and focus it upon them rather than focusing on myself and the healing that I need to do.
This is Easter Sunday and I do not want anything between me and my Savior. I surrender the anger, I surrender the frustration, I surrender any other emotion that I have yet to put a name to. I surrender my "rights" to hold onto any of them. I want to hear from my God and I want to feel His touch upon my life today. The enemy of my soul may win a battle on occasion, but he will most definitely NOT win the war. Jesus has already won the war! Just as "Good Friday" was a very dark day for Jesus...just a few days later, the SON rose again and dispelled the darkness, just as He has done for me this past weekend. So thankful that even when the world is crumbling around my shoulders, He reminds me that He has risen and I can rejoice in spite of my circumstances.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Madder Than A Wet Hen? HA! So Much More...
Wow! REALLY?! Mad doesn't even begin to describe how absolutely angry I am. If you look really close...you might actually see smoke coming from my ears! I'm definitely taking ownership of how I am feeling...I am so stinking mad.
My therapist tells me that anger is part of the depression and that it won't be the only time that I feel this way...oh I do hope he is wrong because I don't like this feeling, but right now...it is the only thing keeping me sane! Usually I feel guilty for feeling like this, but you know...there are moments in your life when you get backed up into a corner and you have two choices...continue cowering in that corner or bulldoze your way through the ones that have backed you into it. In order for me to get out of this corner, I am going to have to hold onto my anger so that I can bust through those who would literally lie to my face and then manipulate me.
My husband is a pastor...but after these last few days it has become very clear that in order for me to heal...we are going to have to step out of ministry because I can't do this anymore. With that knowledge comes a whole lot of other stresses and I'm not sure how we will get it all figured out. We already know that I can't work with the depression as bad as it is...so only time will tell what ends up happening.
My blog is my safe place to be honest about my feelings. If you are reading this or have read any of my earlier postings and you are offended...know that I am typing raw feelings and I am being brutally honest with how I feel and it is NOT my intention to be offensive in any way. However, this is MY safe place and I will not tip toe around on eggshells because I am worried that I might offend someone.
My therapist tells me that anger is part of the depression and that it won't be the only time that I feel this way...oh I do hope he is wrong because I don't like this feeling, but right now...it is the only thing keeping me sane! Usually I feel guilty for feeling like this, but you know...there are moments in your life when you get backed up into a corner and you have two choices...continue cowering in that corner or bulldoze your way through the ones that have backed you into it. In order for me to get out of this corner, I am going to have to hold onto my anger so that I can bust through those who would literally lie to my face and then manipulate me.
My husband is a pastor...but after these last few days it has become very clear that in order for me to heal...we are going to have to step out of ministry because I can't do this anymore. With that knowledge comes a whole lot of other stresses and I'm not sure how we will get it all figured out. We already know that I can't work with the depression as bad as it is...so only time will tell what ends up happening.
My blog is my safe place to be honest about my feelings. If you are reading this or have read any of my earlier postings and you are offended...know that I am typing raw feelings and I am being brutally honest with how I feel and it is NOT my intention to be offensive in any way. However, this is MY safe place and I will not tip toe around on eggshells because I am worried that I might offend someone.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Sick and Tired AND Madder Than a Wet Hen!
I am operating on 4.5 hours of sleep...I am exhausted and I woke up madder than a wet hen. My brain didn't shut down when I went to sleep. Conversations kept playing over and over in my dreams and I kept getting madder and madder in my sleep.
I am sick to death of people thinking that they know WHO I am, think they KNOW what I am thinking, think they can read my expressions and body language and have me totally pegged when nine times out of ten, they are so far off base it isn't even funny. Just because you get it right every great once in a while doesn't mean that you have me figured out!
I am sick of being told that I am lying, that I don't know what my motivations are or are not, that I will do or not do something based on what someone else thinks I will or will not do. I am tired of being told what I should think, feel or want. I'm tired of being analyzed and I am tired of arm-chair shrinks. Everyone around me seems to think they know what I should do and how I should do it to get beyond this depression...sorry folks...it is NOT your call!
I am sick of being told that I am in denial. Just because I don't verbalize everything that I am thinking or feeling does not mean that I am denying anything. No one has any idea how brutally honest I am with myself and when I say that "I don't know" it is because at that moment I do not stinking know! I am so sick of people thinking that I am going to respond to things the way they would because they feel they've pegged my personality.
Just because I'm not picking a fight with anyone and everyone over junk doesn't mean that I'm not fighting for me. All my life I have been told how to feel, what to feel, how I shouldn't feel, what to think or not to think, what to do or not do, that I'm doing something or feeling something when I'm not and I am just so tired of hearing everyone else's voice. Would you all please just shut the heck up and let me hear myself and God so that we can get this worked out and I can move on with my life?!
Did you ever stop to think that God may not want me to verbalize what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling? You have NO flipping idea of how He is dealing and moving in my heart and mind or the things He is taking me through at this moment. I know that I am not an island unto myself, that I can't get through this by myself, but God is my rock, my refuge and He is definitely a very present help in time of trouble. I am listening closely to HIS voice because all of those other voices that I've been listening to for so very long, that keep getting louder and more insistent that they have the answers, have brought me to this place and I don't like this darkness, I don't like where I am and I don't want to be here anymore...that is why I am seeing a counselor. I don't do things like everyone else, I have always marched to a different drumbeat..."normal" has never been a word used to describe me.
I am sick of people making assumptions based on a look, a motion, or what I do or do not say. That is judgmental...you are making judgments without all the information and that isn't right or fair. I realize in saying that it isn't fair opens me up to hear, "No one said that life was fair!" and that is true...but neither are the assumptions that are being made.
I am tired of the fight...I have fought my entire life and I am exhausted. I'm tired of fighting to be heard. I am tired of fighting to be understood. I am tired of fighting for relationships that apparently are one-sided. I am tired of fighting to be loved. I'm tired of fighting to be accepted. I'm tired of fighting to prove that I know what I am talking about. I'm tired of fighting to prove that my motivations are pure. I'm tired of fighting!
Some days...venting just doesn't work and this would be one of them. I don't feel any better because I've gotten this off my chest. If anything, I am literally physically SICK over everything I am feeling at this moment and have been since about 10:00 last night...this sick knot in the pit of my stomach is a constant reminder and I am just so tired of it.
I know that I am battling major depression, but it doesn't mean that I have to accept it or even like it and that doesn't make me in denial! Grrrrrr!
I am sick to death of people thinking that they know WHO I am, think they KNOW what I am thinking, think they can read my expressions and body language and have me totally pegged when nine times out of ten, they are so far off base it isn't even funny. Just because you get it right every great once in a while doesn't mean that you have me figured out!
I am sick of being told that I am lying, that I don't know what my motivations are or are not, that I will do or not do something based on what someone else thinks I will or will not do. I am tired of being told what I should think, feel or want. I'm tired of being analyzed and I am tired of arm-chair shrinks. Everyone around me seems to think they know what I should do and how I should do it to get beyond this depression...sorry folks...it is NOT your call!
I am sick of being told that I am in denial. Just because I don't verbalize everything that I am thinking or feeling does not mean that I am denying anything. No one has any idea how brutally honest I am with myself and when I say that "I don't know" it is because at that moment I do not stinking know! I am so sick of people thinking that I am going to respond to things the way they would because they feel they've pegged my personality.
Just because I'm not picking a fight with anyone and everyone over junk doesn't mean that I'm not fighting for me. All my life I have been told how to feel, what to feel, how I shouldn't feel, what to think or not to think, what to do or not do, that I'm doing something or feeling something when I'm not and I am just so tired of hearing everyone else's voice. Would you all please just shut the heck up and let me hear myself and God so that we can get this worked out and I can move on with my life?!
Did you ever stop to think that God may not want me to verbalize what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling? You have NO flipping idea of how He is dealing and moving in my heart and mind or the things He is taking me through at this moment. I know that I am not an island unto myself, that I can't get through this by myself, but God is my rock, my refuge and He is definitely a very present help in time of trouble. I am listening closely to HIS voice because all of those other voices that I've been listening to for so very long, that keep getting louder and more insistent that they have the answers, have brought me to this place and I don't like this darkness, I don't like where I am and I don't want to be here anymore...that is why I am seeing a counselor. I don't do things like everyone else, I have always marched to a different drumbeat..."normal" has never been a word used to describe me.
I am sick of people making assumptions based on a look, a motion, or what I do or do not say. That is judgmental...you are making judgments without all the information and that isn't right or fair. I realize in saying that it isn't fair opens me up to hear, "No one said that life was fair!" and that is true...but neither are the assumptions that are being made.
I am tired of the fight...I have fought my entire life and I am exhausted. I'm tired of fighting to be heard. I am tired of fighting to be understood. I am tired of fighting for relationships that apparently are one-sided. I am tired of fighting to be loved. I'm tired of fighting to be accepted. I'm tired of fighting to prove that I know what I am talking about. I'm tired of fighting to prove that my motivations are pure. I'm tired of fighting!
Some days...venting just doesn't work and this would be one of them. I don't feel any better because I've gotten this off my chest. If anything, I am literally physically SICK over everything I am feeling at this moment and have been since about 10:00 last night...this sick knot in the pit of my stomach is a constant reminder and I am just so tired of it.
I know that I am battling major depression, but it doesn't mean that I have to accept it or even like it and that doesn't make me in denial! Grrrrrr!
Monday, April 2, 2012
Procrastination...Friend or Foe?
Procrastination is in my nature. I haven't felt like doing anything for the past week...matter of fact, even if I had felt like it, I physically couldn't have done it...but now, I feel like accomplishing something and what am I doing? I'm blogging instead of doing what I should be...what is up with that? Last week, I was frustrated and beating myself up because the "depression" was preventing me from doing anything and now that I'm in a better frame of mind, I'm procrastinating. Even though procrastination, in the end, gives me that "high and rush of adrenaline" that I get when I'm pushed against a deadline to get something done...I don't think he really is my friend...I'm starting to realize that he is my enemy and that I need to kick him out of my life for good!
Depression is like a roller coaster...it starts and you go up and then down and around, but eventually, you do come to the end...I am so ready to get to the end, but there are probably a few more ups and downs and crazy turns before I get there.
Depression is like a roller coaster...it starts and you go up and then down and around, but eventually, you do come to the end...I am so ready to get to the end, but there are probably a few more ups and downs and crazy turns before I get there.
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