There have been so many times I have felt stressed and blue and thought, "I really should go for a walk or work out," only to have the next thought nix it in the bud, "Yeah, but I just don't feel like it." I really don't feel like it.
Depression strips me of my motivation and keeps me chained to the chair in which I am sitting. Every now and then, I'll push through and go for that walk or use the bowflex and I always feel so much better afterwards.
There is something about exercise that, for the moment, breaks those chains that keep me bound to the chair. My doctor says it releases endorphins, a chemical in my body that makes me feel good. So...if that is the case, why don't I always push through and go for that walk or head to the gym...some days it is just too much effort and lack of motivation.
Today was not one of those days though. I almost talked myself out of it, but now I have decided that I am just not going to get up and rush around and be tied to the clock unless I have appointments, I have freed myself to do what I want, when I want. So...I didn't get out and walk at 7:30 A.M. Who cares that it was 9:30 before I got over there? Who cares that it is just after 11:00 and I still haven't gotten into the shower yet? This is actually working for me and helping me deal with the depression.
I walked 1.5 miles...took me 30 minutes and my mind is clear without feeling blue. I am tired and ready for another nap, but I think that the shower will wake me up. Even if I don't get another thing accomplished today...I did accomplish something positive and just for me by getting out and making the effort to walk.
I am thankful for the little glimpses of hope that I see. It helps me to know that this too shall pass...just may take a little longer than I want it to.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Good Day...Bad Day...Eh!
Yesterday was a really good day. I was thinking clearly and able to accomplish some things. My husband and I cooked supper together, something I'm not sure that we've ever really done before.
Today started out really good...but here it is early afternoon and I feel like I need to sleep. I want to get something done, but I really have no motivation to get moving...it is just too much effort.
There are still so many things that I don't understand about depression and its effects on my body. It is too much for me to figure out today...so...I'll leave it for another day. Even in this, I am learning that I do not have to have all the answers and that it is okay to just let it go for another time.
I still feel at peace and somewhat relaxed. My neck and shoulder muscles are not tied up in knots and I'm not feeling anxious, so in spite of the fact that I probably won't get anything accomplished today...it is still a fairly decent day.
Today started out really good...but here it is early afternoon and I feel like I need to sleep. I want to get something done, but I really have no motivation to get moving...it is just too much effort.
There are still so many things that I don't understand about depression and its effects on my body. It is too much for me to figure out today...so...I'll leave it for another day. Even in this, I am learning that I do not have to have all the answers and that it is okay to just let it go for another time.
I still feel at peace and somewhat relaxed. My neck and shoulder muscles are not tied up in knots and I'm not feeling anxious, so in spite of the fact that I probably won't get anything accomplished today...it is still a fairly decent day.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Things I HATE To Admit
Ever learn something about yourself that you hate to admit to yourself much less say it out loud? The past two days, I've been learning some things...One, I'm an adrenaline junkie and two...I'm prideful. OUCH! I had a hard enough time admitting that to myself, but there, I've not only said it out loud, but I've put it on the world wide web for the world to see. No turning back now.
Okay...what makes me think that I am an adrenaline junkie? As I pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store, I noticed that the wind was blowing the banners pretty hard. When I got out, I heard the sound and realized that I love the sound of the wind blowing hard through the trees and making the leaves sing like the wind was making those banners sing. The sky is pretty stormy looking and I realized that I love spring time and all that comes with it, especially the storms...aka tornadoes. Why on earth would I love something that brings destruction and devastation? Because of the adrenaline rush that it brings...I feel alive and excited when the storms are blowing through.
Then I realized that when I procrastinate and I'm backed up against a deadline, that I get that same adrenaline rush...
And again I realized when I keep adding more and more to my "to do" list and I get overwhelmed and overloaded I get that adrenaline rush too.
Can you see the problem yet? Too much adrenaline coursing through your body can do damage to you physically. My blood pressure goes up and it is already high enough that I have to take medication to keep it under control. It causes my heart to work harder and it is already working over time to keep oxygen to my body since my lungs aren't functioning properly. It wears you out! Once the high has passed...depression sets in. I have got to find another way to feel excitement.
Once I reached that conclusion, I realized that when I procrastinate and then manage to meet my deadlines, I typically hear, "Wow! I don't know how you did it!" "You are Amazing!" Everyone likes to hear things like that, right? However, when you start doing things just to hear stuff like that, it becomes a pride issue and my head was swollen too big for a hat! Then I started thinking about overloading myself with all that I was doing and realized that it was because I wanted people to be amazed at this superwoman and all that she was doing and accomplishing...PRIDEFUL! I had become more concerned with what everyone around me thought of ME than being concerned with what God KNEW about me. I was overloading myself and then getting irritated and resentful of all those around me who were taking vacations or just simply doing fun things with their families because I didn't have time to do that too. Whose fault was that? MINE!
So...how do I fix it? My first stop was before the throne of grace to ask God to forgive me for my pride and arrogance in trying to accomplish everything in my own strength. You can't deal with a problem, until you recognize the problem...so now that I've recognized WHY I do these dumb things, maybe it will be easier to say "no" when I need to. I know that I am praying that God will help me to recognize the things that I NEED to do and walk away from those things that everyone else WANTS me to do. I only have one body and I need to take care of it. This is just one of the steps I needed to see in my recovery...one more step to healing this depression.
God, strip me of all my busy-ness so that I may find a balance in my life. Add only those things that You desire for me to do and help me to recognize what You would have me do rather than what everyone around me thinks that I should do. Grant me the strength to say, "NO" when I ought to and help me to not feel guilty for it. Keep my focus on You and off of me. Most importantly, when others look at me, please Lord, let them see You working in and through me. Amen!
Please consult your own doctor or Mental Health Professional if you are or think you might be dealing with depression.
Okay...what makes me think that I am an adrenaline junkie? As I pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store, I noticed that the wind was blowing the banners pretty hard. When I got out, I heard the sound and realized that I love the sound of the wind blowing hard through the trees and making the leaves sing like the wind was making those banners sing. The sky is pretty stormy looking and I realized that I love spring time and all that comes with it, especially the storms...aka tornadoes. Why on earth would I love something that brings destruction and devastation? Because of the adrenaline rush that it brings...I feel alive and excited when the storms are blowing through.
Then I realized that when I procrastinate and I'm backed up against a deadline, that I get that same adrenaline rush...
And again I realized when I keep adding more and more to my "to do" list and I get overwhelmed and overloaded I get that adrenaline rush too.
Can you see the problem yet? Too much adrenaline coursing through your body can do damage to you physically. My blood pressure goes up and it is already high enough that I have to take medication to keep it under control. It causes my heart to work harder and it is already working over time to keep oxygen to my body since my lungs aren't functioning properly. It wears you out! Once the high has passed...depression sets in. I have got to find another way to feel excitement.
Once I reached that conclusion, I realized that when I procrastinate and then manage to meet my deadlines, I typically hear, "Wow! I don't know how you did it!" "You are Amazing!" Everyone likes to hear things like that, right? However, when you start doing things just to hear stuff like that, it becomes a pride issue and my head was swollen too big for a hat! Then I started thinking about overloading myself with all that I was doing and realized that it was because I wanted people to be amazed at this superwoman and all that she was doing and accomplishing...PRIDEFUL! I had become more concerned with what everyone around me thought of ME than being concerned with what God KNEW about me. I was overloading myself and then getting irritated and resentful of all those around me who were taking vacations or just simply doing fun things with their families because I didn't have time to do that too. Whose fault was that? MINE!
So...how do I fix it? My first stop was before the throne of grace to ask God to forgive me for my pride and arrogance in trying to accomplish everything in my own strength. You can't deal with a problem, until you recognize the problem...so now that I've recognized WHY I do these dumb things, maybe it will be easier to say "no" when I need to. I know that I am praying that God will help me to recognize the things that I NEED to do and walk away from those things that everyone else WANTS me to do. I only have one body and I need to take care of it. This is just one of the steps I needed to see in my recovery...one more step to healing this depression.
God, strip me of all my busy-ness so that I may find a balance in my life. Add only those things that You desire for me to do and help me to recognize what You would have me do rather than what everyone around me thinks that I should do. Grant me the strength to say, "NO" when I ought to and help me to not feel guilty for it. Keep my focus on You and off of me. Most importantly, when others look at me, please Lord, let them see You working in and through me. Amen!
Please consult your own doctor or Mental Health Professional if you are or think you might be dealing with depression.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
What Am I Thinking?
Welcome to my journey thru depression to healing. The purpose of this blog is two-fold. The first is to give me an outlet to express how I am feeling as I travel this road without feeling like I am going to be judged and told that I cannot feel this way. The second is to hopefully help others to recognize that there is help and healing for those who are dealing with depression.
DISCLAIMER: The thoughts and feelings expressed on this page are mine...right or wrong...I don't intend to offend anyone or to make anyone uncomfortable. I will not debate my feelings with anyone, so if you disagree with something, you can do so nicely or just don't comment please. Also, the things I share that others have said to me, unfortunately are very common comments and I would appreciate never hearing them again.
MY Story:
I have battled depression and anxiety for most of my life. When I have expressed those feelings, I have been told that I cannot or should not feel that way or I've been told that Christians don't get depressed and if I am depressed then I've turned my back on God. Those comments have caused me to stuff my feelings and keep going. My theme has been to "suck it up and keep going!" It worked for quite a while...until that house of cards came tumbling down upon my head last year.
I thought my year was going great. We enjoyed a great family vacation and when we returned, I was scheduled for a medical test. The diagnosis was awful, but the good news was that it was reversible. Up to this time, I had been battling small bouts of depression, but the week following the diagnosis, I bottomed out. I couldn't shake the blues. I began to binge eat everything in sight. In 6 weeks, I had added 15 pounds that I couldn't afford to gain, which added to the depression. When I went in to see my doctor...she recommended that I talk to someone.
I have always been the strong one. The one who holds it all together for everyone around me. I can recommend that others get help, but me...I don't need help. But I realized, as I sat in tears, that I could no longer do this on my own. I was overwhelmed at the number of days that I just sat and cried all day long. I was frustrated at the number of days that it was all I could do to go from the bed to the couch and if I got dressed and brushed my teeth, it was a good day. My husband was getting frustrated at coming home and the house being trashed and my responsibilities not being taken care of. We were fighting and that just added to my despondency. Something had to be done. In spite of always being told that Christians don't need a counselor, just pray it through, get victory and you will be fine, or once you decide you don't want to feel this way anymore, you'll change and everything will be okay, I agreed with my doctor...I needed to talk to someone.
*I know that God can heal and deliver instantaneously, when He chooses, but He doesn't always choose to work in that way. I have examined my life over and again and I haven't walked away from Him and I haven't committed sins that would cause me to be separated from Him. So, regardless of what others have told me, I am still a Christian, I am still saved by the blood and grace of Jesus Christ, but I need the help of a Christian counselor to get through this.*
So, I made the call and scheduled the appointment and then sat and cried because I had gotten to this point that I could no longer handle things myself. I do believe that is exactly where God wanted me to be. He had been trying to get my attention for years, but I was so busy handling everything myself, rather than allowing Him to see me through them, that I had overloaded and overwhelmed myself to the point of breaking. In His love and mercy, He has brought me to this point. I'm not sure what His plan is or how long it will take to get through this, but I do know His strength is made perfect in my weakness and that His grace is sufficient to see me through. He has my attention now and I'm listening to His voice and trusting that when all is said and done, that I will be exactly what He intended for me to be and that I might have helped others along the way.
Having said all of that...not every person is the same, not every depression is the same and God may not be using your depression to get your attention...this is MY journey and this is what I am learning in my own situation. Please consult your own doctor or Mental Health Professional if you are or think you might be dealing with depression.
DISCLAIMER: The thoughts and feelings expressed on this page are mine...right or wrong...I don't intend to offend anyone or to make anyone uncomfortable. I will not debate my feelings with anyone, so if you disagree with something, you can do so nicely or just don't comment please. Also, the things I share that others have said to me, unfortunately are very common comments and I would appreciate never hearing them again.
MY Story:
I have battled depression and anxiety for most of my life. When I have expressed those feelings, I have been told that I cannot or should not feel that way or I've been told that Christians don't get depressed and if I am depressed then I've turned my back on God. Those comments have caused me to stuff my feelings and keep going. My theme has been to "suck it up and keep going!" It worked for quite a while...until that house of cards came tumbling down upon my head last year.
I thought my year was going great. We enjoyed a great family vacation and when we returned, I was scheduled for a medical test. The diagnosis was awful, but the good news was that it was reversible. Up to this time, I had been battling small bouts of depression, but the week following the diagnosis, I bottomed out. I couldn't shake the blues. I began to binge eat everything in sight. In 6 weeks, I had added 15 pounds that I couldn't afford to gain, which added to the depression. When I went in to see my doctor...she recommended that I talk to someone.
I have always been the strong one. The one who holds it all together for everyone around me. I can recommend that others get help, but me...I don't need help. But I realized, as I sat in tears, that I could no longer do this on my own. I was overwhelmed at the number of days that I just sat and cried all day long. I was frustrated at the number of days that it was all I could do to go from the bed to the couch and if I got dressed and brushed my teeth, it was a good day. My husband was getting frustrated at coming home and the house being trashed and my responsibilities not being taken care of. We were fighting and that just added to my despondency. Something had to be done. In spite of always being told that Christians don't need a counselor, just pray it through, get victory and you will be fine, or once you decide you don't want to feel this way anymore, you'll change and everything will be okay, I agreed with my doctor...I needed to talk to someone.
*I know that God can heal and deliver instantaneously, when He chooses, but He doesn't always choose to work in that way. I have examined my life over and again and I haven't walked away from Him and I haven't committed sins that would cause me to be separated from Him. So, regardless of what others have told me, I am still a Christian, I am still saved by the blood and grace of Jesus Christ, but I need the help of a Christian counselor to get through this.*
So, I made the call and scheduled the appointment and then sat and cried because I had gotten to this point that I could no longer handle things myself. I do believe that is exactly where God wanted me to be. He had been trying to get my attention for years, but I was so busy handling everything myself, rather than allowing Him to see me through them, that I had overloaded and overwhelmed myself to the point of breaking. In His love and mercy, He has brought me to this point. I'm not sure what His plan is or how long it will take to get through this, but I do know His strength is made perfect in my weakness and that His grace is sufficient to see me through. He has my attention now and I'm listening to His voice and trusting that when all is said and done, that I will be exactly what He intended for me to be and that I might have helped others along the way.
Having said all of that...not every person is the same, not every depression is the same and God may not be using your depression to get your attention...this is MY journey and this is what I am learning in my own situation. Please consult your own doctor or Mental Health Professional if you are or think you might be dealing with depression.
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