Breathing A Little Easier

Last week was a really tough week.  The fog rolled in and the darkness surrounded me.  Had a moment of doubt that shook me to my core and many tears were shed.  Spent time in prayer, asking God to settle it all in my heart and mind and while nothing is actually settled...I feel peace in my spirit.  I don't have clear direction and I don't have answers, but I know that He is with me.  So I am starting out this week breathing a little easier, a lot more peaceful and looking forward to all this week has in store.  It is going to be extremely busy, but it will be a good busy.  I have been blessed abundantly and I am doing my best to focus on that.

One Step Forward...Fall Off The Cliff!

Just about the time I think I am on an even playing field...I fall off the cliff.  You would think that I would learn better by now...but not so.  Last week, I thought that I was getting oh so good at flipping those awful, pitiful moods that I was falling into...HA!  This week...I've barely been able to get out of bed.  I've been blah all week until today and I've been a puddle of tears.  I'm just sad.  My therapist says that I am exhausted physically and emotionally and he is probably right, so that doesn't help...but because of how I am feeling, I am second guessing myself on so many things.  This means that when I am supposed to be sleeping, my brain is running at warp speed, I am clinching my jaws and grinding my teeth, which causes the muscles in my neck and back to seize up, which means that I don't sleep well, if at all and that means MIGRAINES!  It is a snowball effect and I hate, REALLY HATE the end result. 

Yes, I still see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I do see an end to all of this.  I know that this too shall pass...but can it be done YESTERDAY?  Patience is NOT my strongest virtue and I truly am trying to allow patience to have her perfect work in me...but I am finding it extremely difficult to do today.

Flipping the Mood!

Or at least I am learning to flip the mood.  It took me three days last week to flip a mood.  This week has been better, it has only taken a few hours for a few of those moods.  I am grateful that I am learning.  God's Word has really spoken to my heart and helped so very much.  I do see a light at the end of the tunnel and it is getting brighter.  So happy that I can actually see that I am getting better.  Doesn't mean that hard days don't come around, but it does mean that my confidence in them not lasting is strengthened and that my trust that God will see me through brings so much peace that I truly can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.  In spite of the stressful things happening to me and all around me, I have peace and KNOW that this season too, will pass!

I Don't Always Listen So Good!

My therapist really tried hard, last Friday, to convince me not to go see family this past weekend.  He didn't feel that it would be a good thing for me, was actually afraid that it would set me back quite a ways.  Ha!  I told him flat out that I was going and that was that, then proceeded to ask if we could skip this week's session because I am low on funds.  His response to that was...NO!  Funds or no funds, be here for your appointment.  I think he was more wigged out and stressed over my upcoming visit than I was.

So...how did the visit go?  Hurtful comments started within an hour of our arrival and I responded lightly and pretty much laughed it off.  Drama started before 8:00 A.M. the next morning and the funny thing is, instead of grabbing me to vent to, my step-dad grabbed my husband.  Whew!  Close call. 

For most of the day, I was treated as a guest rather than family, so I decided to act like a guest.  If you want my help, then you can ask me, I'm not going to get up and act like part of the family and just do whatever I see needs to be done.  Amazingly, I was asked quite a few times and I cheerfully helped out.  I felt the depression trying to take over a few times, the old voices telling me how worthless I was, but I made a choice not to give in and not to listen to either.

I managed to enjoy myself and to come home without all the tension that I normally come home with.  I'm not feeling depressed and I can even laugh over the drama that took place.  I refuse to sit around, throwing myself a pity party and singing, "oh woe is me, no one loves me and I'm worthless!"  Cause the  truth is...God loves me.  My husband loves me.  My children love me.  My grands love me.  Does it really matter if anyone else does or not?  Those are the most important in my life.  Am I worthless?  No, God's word tells me that I was created in His own image, that I am a joint-heir with Christ, making me a princess to the King of kings and Lord of lords!  I will listen to the voice of truth rather than the father of lies.

Holidays? No Thanks!!!!

Since my husband retired from the military, I have come to HATE holidays.  Why?  Because it is a reminder that we no longer have friends.   In the military, everyone bands together to make sure that no one spends a holiday alone...not so in the civilian community.  Co-workers and those you go to church with don't even think about checking to see if you are going to be alone...especially, if they are from that area or have been there for a long time or have family close by.  Most people assume that because we grew up in this state, that we ought to have plans made...but we live several hours away from our families and can't just up and go spend holidays with them.  I just get depressed sitting in the house, doing nothing.  It makes me sad that we don't have any friends to do things with...I really REALLY hate being alone.  Even my long time best friend/sister wants nothing to do with me...so maybe I am totally worthless..  I haven't felt like this in quite a while.  I don't like it.