I Don't Always Listen So Good!

My therapist really tried hard, last Friday, to convince me not to go see family this past weekend.  He didn't feel that it would be a good thing for me, was actually afraid that it would set me back quite a ways.  Ha!  I told him flat out that I was going and that was that, then proceeded to ask if we could skip this week's session because I am low on funds.  His response to that was...NO!  Funds or no funds, be here for your appointment.  I think he was more wigged out and stressed over my upcoming visit than I was.

So...how did the visit go?  Hurtful comments started within an hour of our arrival and I responded lightly and pretty much laughed it off.  Drama started before 8:00 A.M. the next morning and the funny thing is, instead of grabbing me to vent to, my step-dad grabbed my husband.  Whew!  Close call. 

For most of the day, I was treated as a guest rather than family, so I decided to act like a guest.  If you want my help, then you can ask me, I'm not going to get up and act like part of the family and just do whatever I see needs to be done.  Amazingly, I was asked quite a few times and I cheerfully helped out.  I felt the depression trying to take over a few times, the old voices telling me how worthless I was, but I made a choice not to give in and not to listen to either.

I managed to enjoy myself and to come home without all the tension that I normally come home with.  I'm not feeling depressed and I can even laugh over the drama that took place.  I refuse to sit around, throwing myself a pity party and singing, "oh woe is me, no one loves me and I'm worthless!"  Cause the  truth is...God loves me.  My husband loves me.  My children love me.  My grands love me.  Does it really matter if anyone else does or not?  Those are the most important in my life.  Am I worthless?  No, God's word tells me that I was created in His own image, that I am a joint-heir with Christ, making me a princess to the King of kings and Lord of lords!  I will listen to the voice of truth rather than the father of lies.

Holidays? No Thanks!!!!

Since my husband retired from the military, I have come to HATE holidays.  Why?  Because it is a reminder that we no longer have friends.   In the military, everyone bands together to make sure that no one spends a holiday alone...not so in the civilian community.  Co-workers and those you go to church with don't even think about checking to see if you are going to be alone...especially, if they are from that area or have been there for a long time or have family close by.  Most people assume that because we grew up in this state, that we ought to have plans made...but we live several hours away from our families and can't just up and go spend holidays with them.  I just get depressed sitting in the house, doing nothing.  It makes me sad that we don't have any friends to do things with...I really REALLY hate being alone.  Even my long time best friend/sister wants nothing to do with me...so maybe I am totally worthless..  I haven't felt like this in quite a while.  I don't like it.

Yawn...

I am still so incredibly tired...ready for this to pass.  All I want to do is sleep...correction...there are a plethora of things that I WANT to do...all I FEEL like doing is sleeping.  Good thing this is a down weekend...all I have to do is church and ministry on Sunday afternoon...the rest of the time, I can crash.  Other than that...I think that I will finish the book I am reading and then start another and snooze in between.  Sounds like a pretty good plan.  Think I'll even do it from the comfort of my bed rather than the couch...sounds like an even better plan. 

I am feeling good emotionally...I recognize that I still have issues and I know what I need to work on and that is a good thing.  Thankful that God reveals them at just the right moment along with the assurance that He will see me through as long as I stay surrendered and as clay in His hands that He can mold and shape into the vessel He wants me to be.  It is a good day!

Still Have Issues...

In spite of the peace and joy that I have been feeling, it was brought home to me this evening that I still have a need to be needed and it hurts when I am no longer needed.  Now...that isn't to make anyone feel bad...it is just the reality in my life.  I have always equated love with respect and being needed and when either of those things are absent, then I get depressed.  For years, I didn't realize that was what the problem was...now I know.  So...this is the issue that I need to work out in my own life...I need to figure out how to recognize that just because those in my life don't need me, that I am still loved...it isn't a bad thing to not be needed, but it is a strain on my God-given personality...it is a weakness that I need to work on.

So...I have shed a few crocodile tears, dried them and now it is time to move on.  I cannot continue to grieve over what was, I must live in the what is and in doing so, I must find my joy, my peace, my contentment and thrive as God works in my life!

Light At The End Of The Tunnel...

No, it isn't a train...it really is the light at the end of the tunnel that I see.  In the longest, darkest days of this depression, it was hard for me to trust that there would be a light at the end of the tunnel, much less see it.  My doctor and therapist are both very encouraged by my progress and can see that God is moving mightily in my life to deliver me from this depression (mire) and setting me on solid ground.  God has taught me so much through all of this and when I look back to how absolutely miserable I was this time last year...I can thank God for His mercy, His care, His protection, His leading and especially His love in taking me through this.  I am full of peace and joy...and I am walking daily according to God's Word, following the leading of His Spirit and trusting in His grace to see me through to the end.  God is good!

What I AM....

I am happy!  I am content!  I am at peace with who I am in Christ!  I am almost giddy with joy!  I am confident in what Christ is doing in my life!  I am totally and completely in love with my husband!  I am overjoyed to be a mom and grandmother!  I am grateful to have people in my life who have stayed by my side through all of the changes that Christ has been making in me!  I am thankful for the love, mercy, compassion, forgiveness and friendship that has been extended to me through so many unexpected areas!  I am on my way to healing!

I can now see a light at the end of the tunnel and it isn't headlights or a train...I don't know that I have ever felt so much joy and peace in all my days, but I am eternally thankful for my God and Savior who has filled me with both!

Time To Adjust AGAIN!

Meds were bumped up 5mg, so now the readjustment begins.  I am really tired.  There is lots that I WANT to do today...but not sure how much will get done since I am so very sleepy.  I know it won't be long before I am adjusted and the sleepiness will be a thing of the past.  I am excited for this change in the meds...we have finally found one that works with minimal side effects.  My thinking is clearer.  I feel peaceful.  I feel joyful way down inside, that bubbles over with giddiness on occasion...I just feel happy!  After the week I had last week...this is a welcome respite.

My husband took a photo of me this past weekend and texted it to our sons.  Our oldest replied with, "Wow!  Mom looks REALLY happy!"  His response made me happy and sad at the same time.  Happy that he recognized that I truly was happy, but sad because those moments throughout his life have been so few and far between.  I am just grateful that I am getting through this so that my grands will have a grandmother who truly is happy, healthy and loving her life and family.

This is a good day!