Yawn...

I am still so incredibly tired...ready for this to pass.  All I want to do is sleep...correction...there are a plethora of things that I WANT to do...all I FEEL like doing is sleeping.  Good thing this is a down weekend...all I have to do is church and ministry on Sunday afternoon...the rest of the time, I can crash.  Other than that...I think that I will finish the book I am reading and then start another and snooze in between.  Sounds like a pretty good plan.  Think I'll even do it from the comfort of my bed rather than the couch...sounds like an even better plan. 

I am feeling good emotionally...I recognize that I still have issues and I know what I need to work on and that is a good thing.  Thankful that God reveals them at just the right moment along with the assurance that He will see me through as long as I stay surrendered and as clay in His hands that He can mold and shape into the vessel He wants me to be.  It is a good day!

Still Have Issues...

In spite of the peace and joy that I have been feeling, it was brought home to me this evening that I still have a need to be needed and it hurts when I am no longer needed.  Now...that isn't to make anyone feel bad...it is just the reality in my life.  I have always equated love with respect and being needed and when either of those things are absent, then I get depressed.  For years, I didn't realize that was what the problem was...now I know.  So...this is the issue that I need to work out in my own life...I need to figure out how to recognize that just because those in my life don't need me, that I am still loved...it isn't a bad thing to not be needed, but it is a strain on my God-given personality...it is a weakness that I need to work on.

So...I have shed a few crocodile tears, dried them and now it is time to move on.  I cannot continue to grieve over what was, I must live in the what is and in doing so, I must find my joy, my peace, my contentment and thrive as God works in my life!

Light At The End Of The Tunnel...

No, it isn't a train...it really is the light at the end of the tunnel that I see.  In the longest, darkest days of this depression, it was hard for me to trust that there would be a light at the end of the tunnel, much less see it.  My doctor and therapist are both very encouraged by my progress and can see that God is moving mightily in my life to deliver me from this depression (mire) and setting me on solid ground.  God has taught me so much through all of this and when I look back to how absolutely miserable I was this time last year...I can thank God for His mercy, His care, His protection, His leading and especially His love in taking me through this.  I am full of peace and joy...and I am walking daily according to God's Word, following the leading of His Spirit and trusting in His grace to see me through to the end.  God is good!

What I AM....

I am happy!  I am content!  I am at peace with who I am in Christ!  I am almost giddy with joy!  I am confident in what Christ is doing in my life!  I am totally and completely in love with my husband!  I am overjoyed to be a mom and grandmother!  I am grateful to have people in my life who have stayed by my side through all of the changes that Christ has been making in me!  I am thankful for the love, mercy, compassion, forgiveness and friendship that has been extended to me through so many unexpected areas!  I am on my way to healing!

I can now see a light at the end of the tunnel and it isn't headlights or a train...I don't know that I have ever felt so much joy and peace in all my days, but I am eternally thankful for my God and Savior who has filled me with both!

Time To Adjust AGAIN!

Meds were bumped up 5mg, so now the readjustment begins.  I am really tired.  There is lots that I WANT to do today...but not sure how much will get done since I am so very sleepy.  I know it won't be long before I am adjusted and the sleepiness will be a thing of the past.  I am excited for this change in the meds...we have finally found one that works with minimal side effects.  My thinking is clearer.  I feel peaceful.  I feel joyful way down inside, that bubbles over with giddiness on occasion...I just feel happy!  After the week I had last week...this is a welcome respite.

My husband took a photo of me this past weekend and texted it to our sons.  Our oldest replied with, "Wow!  Mom looks REALLY happy!"  His response made me happy and sad at the same time.  Happy that he recognized that I truly was happy, but sad because those moments throughout his life have been so few and far between.  I am just grateful that I am getting through this so that my grands will have a grandmother who truly is happy, healthy and loving her life and family.

This is a good day!

Over!

I still want it all to be OVER!  No, I am not going to end my life...I just don't want to do this anymore.  I am so done and over all of this mess...Lord, please just take me out of the equation so I don't have to deal with anyone or anything anymore!  Obviously, I am at YOUR mercy, because You are the one that has numbered my days and YOU are the one that determines when I check out.  I know that I can continue putting one foot in front of the other because You give me the strength to do so.  I know that I can continue to get through all of the emotions and survive the hurt because You are my protection.  I just don't want to do this anymore...for the first time in my life I REALLY want to just quit.

You are my refuge.  You are my hiding place.  You are my peace.  You are my joy.  You are my defense.  You are my salvation.  When I cannot or will not take one step further, You pick me up and carry me.  When I want to give up and quit, You refuse to give up or quit on me.  You are faithful, loving, kind and merciful.  Be my strength and rock this day!

Stick A Fork In Me...I'm DONE!

The problem with depression is that one moment you are on top of the world, nothing can get you down and the next, you are being buried under an avalanche and can't find your way out.  I am hurting so badly right now.  I am under the weight of spiritual attack and all those that I once counted on to be my prayer warriors, to stand in the gap for me when I was doing all I could to fight to keep my head above water...are no longer there because of a doctrinal disagreement.  Those who said that they would continue to be there for me and to love me have distanced themselves leaving me to stand alone to fight these attacks...my heart is heavy and it hurts, more because I know that I wouldn't have done that to them. 

My husband chose to allow the enemy to use him to attack me and while he has admitted that he has been a biblical donkey...I have hit ENOUGH...NEVER AGAIN...I refuse to be accused of something that I am not guilty of in order to manipulate me into doing something. 

I just want it all to be over...God please take me home now...I cannot take anymore...I just don't have the strength and as I finish speaking those words, I hear, "My strength is made perfect in your weakness..."I must continue to trust, to hold on to those precious nail scarred hands...grant me grace Lord!