Final Post

I am closing this blog.  Not because I am totally and completely healed and delivered from this depression, but because I just do not want to focus solely on the depression.  I will start another blog and I'm sure the depression will show up from time to time, but it will simply be a part of who I am, not ALL of who I am.  Please feel free to join me and take part in my life, not just witness it from the sidelines.

The Wait Is Over...

I've been awaiting the arrival of our newest Princess grand-daughter and she finally arrived yesterday.  She wanted to wish her parents' a happy anniversary, so she arrived just after midnight on their special day.  She is tiny and the first of our four grands that has been born with any physical similarities to me.  She has my feet, toes, fingers, ears, forehead and coloring.  She has my son's nose and lips and her mother's eyes.  Our oldest Princess didn't look a thing like me when she was born, but she is starting to resemble me a lot more as she grows up.  That really does make me happy since neither of our sons look a thing like me, but definitely have a great deal of my temperament.  So does Princess #1...time will tell if Princess #2 will have any of my temperament. ;-D

During the wait, I have had moments of depression trying to take over, but the battle was successful and I was able to overcome the fog before it turned into darkness.  I have thoroughly enjoyed our grandson...he is such a sweet, adorable little guy with the best giggle.  It really is contagious, hard to stay blue when you hear that laugh.

I am quickly learning that I can be away from my husband for about two weeks before I start really needing to see him, have him near me and to just BE with him.  I am missing him something awful right now, but have nine days to go before I see him again.  Needing to have all my things around me again...needing to cuddle with my cats, although, our son's dogs would cuddle with me, if I weren't allergic.

Been having very realistic, weird dreams the past few nights...not sure if I should be reading something into them or just dismiss them as weird dreams...guess time will tell.

My devotions have been really good and really hitting home.  So thankful for God's Word and the way He speaks to my spirit through it. 

Guess this is it for a bit...I don't want to ramble too much and my brain cannot seem to settle on anything specific, so...later...

M.I.A.!

Yep, I guess I have been missing in action since my last post.  I thought that I would be okay after the 10th...didn't work out that way.  I have had a battle with the depression and it didn't help that even though I felt better on the 10 mg...it was making me want to sleep all the time, so I had to cut back to the 5 mg which doesn't keep me on as even a keel as the 10 mg does, but I am awake when I am supposed to be.  So, suffice it to say...the emotional battle that I was already dealing with was compounded by the change in my meds and I have truly been trying to avoid anyone and everyone possible.  That is my typical M.O.  When depression hits, I crawl into the deepest, darkest hole I can find and shut EVERYONE out.  My therapist wasn't having any of that.

Anyway...the dark is starting to lift.  I am visiting our youngest son and his family and having a great time with our grandson.  So...it may be a while before I post anything again.  I really don't have much to say in spite of all that I've been facing...I don't know what to say, everything is tied up in knots in my mind and my gut, so until I can get it figured out...

The End Of A Chapter...

This week has been rough.  Battling migraines, back spasms, swollen eyeballs, stressed out and restless nights...had a moment of deja-vu that caused me to realize exactly what the problem is.  Tomorrow is the day that the door closes on a 3 year dream.  It also brings to end a 47 year chapter of my life.  I don't deal well with change, especially changes of this magnitude.  It is no wonder that my body is having fits.

I am hoping that once tomorrow passes, all of these issues will resolve as I stop looking back and start looking forward to where God is going to lead in this new season of my life.  I am very grateful that I have a therapy session tomorrow...it is going to be a difficult day.  Thankfully, I can see again, but the pain in my head just will not let up.

I am grateful that I am beginning to recognize what is causing the pain, as well as the gloom that descends at times.  I also have discovered that the lexipro that I am on is too strong...all I want to do is sleep, so back to 5 mg for me.

Breathing A Little Easier

Last week was a really tough week.  The fog rolled in and the darkness surrounded me.  Had a moment of doubt that shook me to my core and many tears were shed.  Spent time in prayer, asking God to settle it all in my heart and mind and while nothing is actually settled...I feel peace in my spirit.  I don't have clear direction and I don't have answers, but I know that He is with me.  So I am starting out this week breathing a little easier, a lot more peaceful and looking forward to all this week has in store.  It is going to be extremely busy, but it will be a good busy.  I have been blessed abundantly and I am doing my best to focus on that.

One Step Forward...Fall Off The Cliff!

Just about the time I think I am on an even playing field...I fall off the cliff.  You would think that I would learn better by now...but not so.  Last week, I thought that I was getting oh so good at flipping those awful, pitiful moods that I was falling into...HA!  This week...I've barely been able to get out of bed.  I've been blah all week until today and I've been a puddle of tears.  I'm just sad.  My therapist says that I am exhausted physically and emotionally and he is probably right, so that doesn't help...but because of how I am feeling, I am second guessing myself on so many things.  This means that when I am supposed to be sleeping, my brain is running at warp speed, I am clinching my jaws and grinding my teeth, which causes the muscles in my neck and back to seize up, which means that I don't sleep well, if at all and that means MIGRAINES!  It is a snowball effect and I hate, REALLY HATE the end result. 

Yes, I still see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I do see an end to all of this.  I know that this too shall pass...but can it be done YESTERDAY?  Patience is NOT my strongest virtue and I truly am trying to allow patience to have her perfect work in me...but I am finding it extremely difficult to do today.

Flipping the Mood!

Or at least I am learning to flip the mood.  It took me three days last week to flip a mood.  This week has been better, it has only taken a few hours for a few of those moods.  I am grateful that I am learning.  God's Word has really spoken to my heart and helped so very much.  I do see a light at the end of the tunnel and it is getting brighter.  So happy that I can actually see that I am getting better.  Doesn't mean that hard days don't come around, but it does mean that my confidence in them not lasting is strengthened and that my trust that God will see me through brings so much peace that I truly can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.  In spite of the stressful things happening to me and all around me, I have peace and KNOW that this season too, will pass!

I Don't Always Listen So Good!

My therapist really tried hard, last Friday, to convince me not to go see family this past weekend.  He didn't feel that it would be a good thing for me, was actually afraid that it would set me back quite a ways.  Ha!  I told him flat out that I was going and that was that, then proceeded to ask if we could skip this week's session because I am low on funds.  His response to that was...NO!  Funds or no funds, be here for your appointment.  I think he was more wigged out and stressed over my upcoming visit than I was.

So...how did the visit go?  Hurtful comments started within an hour of our arrival and I responded lightly and pretty much laughed it off.  Drama started before 8:00 A.M. the next morning and the funny thing is, instead of grabbing me to vent to, my step-dad grabbed my husband.  Whew!  Close call. 

For most of the day, I was treated as a guest rather than family, so I decided to act like a guest.  If you want my help, then you can ask me, I'm not going to get up and act like part of the family and just do whatever I see needs to be done.  Amazingly, I was asked quite a few times and I cheerfully helped out.  I felt the depression trying to take over a few times, the old voices telling me how worthless I was, but I made a choice not to give in and not to listen to either.

I managed to enjoy myself and to come home without all the tension that I normally come home with.  I'm not feeling depressed and I can even laugh over the drama that took place.  I refuse to sit around, throwing myself a pity party and singing, "oh woe is me, no one loves me and I'm worthless!"  Cause the  truth is...God loves me.  My husband loves me.  My children love me.  My grands love me.  Does it really matter if anyone else does or not?  Those are the most important in my life.  Am I worthless?  No, God's word tells me that I was created in His own image, that I am a joint-heir with Christ, making me a princess to the King of kings and Lord of lords!  I will listen to the voice of truth rather than the father of lies.

Holidays? No Thanks!!!!

Since my husband retired from the military, I have come to HATE holidays.  Why?  Because it is a reminder that we no longer have friends.   In the military, everyone bands together to make sure that no one spends a holiday alone...not so in the civilian community.  Co-workers and those you go to church with don't even think about checking to see if you are going to be alone...especially, if they are from that area or have been there for a long time or have family close by.  Most people assume that because we grew up in this state, that we ought to have plans made...but we live several hours away from our families and can't just up and go spend holidays with them.  I just get depressed sitting in the house, doing nothing.  It makes me sad that we don't have any friends to do things with...I really REALLY hate being alone.  Even my long time best friend/sister wants nothing to do with me...so maybe I am totally worthless..  I haven't felt like this in quite a while.  I don't like it.

Yawn...

I am still so incredibly tired...ready for this to pass.  All I want to do is sleep...correction...there are a plethora of things that I WANT to do...all I FEEL like doing is sleeping.  Good thing this is a down weekend...all I have to do is church and ministry on Sunday afternoon...the rest of the time, I can crash.  Other than that...I think that I will finish the book I am reading and then start another and snooze in between.  Sounds like a pretty good plan.  Think I'll even do it from the comfort of my bed rather than the couch...sounds like an even better plan. 

I am feeling good emotionally...I recognize that I still have issues and I know what I need to work on and that is a good thing.  Thankful that God reveals them at just the right moment along with the assurance that He will see me through as long as I stay surrendered and as clay in His hands that He can mold and shape into the vessel He wants me to be.  It is a good day!

Still Have Issues...

In spite of the peace and joy that I have been feeling, it was brought home to me this evening that I still have a need to be needed and it hurts when I am no longer needed.  Now...that isn't to make anyone feel bad...it is just the reality in my life.  I have always equated love with respect and being needed and when either of those things are absent, then I get depressed.  For years, I didn't realize that was what the problem was...now I know.  So...this is the issue that I need to work out in my own life...I need to figure out how to recognize that just because those in my life don't need me, that I am still loved...it isn't a bad thing to not be needed, but it is a strain on my God-given personality...it is a weakness that I need to work on.

So...I have shed a few crocodile tears, dried them and now it is time to move on.  I cannot continue to grieve over what was, I must live in the what is and in doing so, I must find my joy, my peace, my contentment and thrive as God works in my life!

Light At The End Of The Tunnel...

No, it isn't a train...it really is the light at the end of the tunnel that I see.  In the longest, darkest days of this depression, it was hard for me to trust that there would be a light at the end of the tunnel, much less see it.  My doctor and therapist are both very encouraged by my progress and can see that God is moving mightily in my life to deliver me from this depression (mire) and setting me on solid ground.  God has taught me so much through all of this and when I look back to how absolutely miserable I was this time last year...I can thank God for His mercy, His care, His protection, His leading and especially His love in taking me through this.  I am full of peace and joy...and I am walking daily according to God's Word, following the leading of His Spirit and trusting in His grace to see me through to the end.  God is good!

What I AM....

I am happy!  I am content!  I am at peace with who I am in Christ!  I am almost giddy with joy!  I am confident in what Christ is doing in my life!  I am totally and completely in love with my husband!  I am overjoyed to be a mom and grandmother!  I am grateful to have people in my life who have stayed by my side through all of the changes that Christ has been making in me!  I am thankful for the love, mercy, compassion, forgiveness and friendship that has been extended to me through so many unexpected areas!  I am on my way to healing!

I can now see a light at the end of the tunnel and it isn't headlights or a train...I don't know that I have ever felt so much joy and peace in all my days, but I am eternally thankful for my God and Savior who has filled me with both!

Time To Adjust AGAIN!

Meds were bumped up 5mg, so now the readjustment begins.  I am really tired.  There is lots that I WANT to do today...but not sure how much will get done since I am so very sleepy.  I know it won't be long before I am adjusted and the sleepiness will be a thing of the past.  I am excited for this change in the meds...we have finally found one that works with minimal side effects.  My thinking is clearer.  I feel peaceful.  I feel joyful way down inside, that bubbles over with giddiness on occasion...I just feel happy!  After the week I had last week...this is a welcome respite.

My husband took a photo of me this past weekend and texted it to our sons.  Our oldest replied with, "Wow!  Mom looks REALLY happy!"  His response made me happy and sad at the same time.  Happy that he recognized that I truly was happy, but sad because those moments throughout his life have been so few and far between.  I am just grateful that I am getting through this so that my grands will have a grandmother who truly is happy, healthy and loving her life and family.

This is a good day!

Over!

I still want it all to be OVER!  No, I am not going to end my life...I just don't want to do this anymore.  I am so done and over all of this mess...Lord, please just take me out of the equation so I don't have to deal with anyone or anything anymore!  Obviously, I am at YOUR mercy, because You are the one that has numbered my days and YOU are the one that determines when I check out.  I know that I can continue putting one foot in front of the other because You give me the strength to do so.  I know that I can continue to get through all of the emotions and survive the hurt because You are my protection.  I just don't want to do this anymore...for the first time in my life I REALLY want to just quit.

You are my refuge.  You are my hiding place.  You are my peace.  You are my joy.  You are my defense.  You are my salvation.  When I cannot or will not take one step further, You pick me up and carry me.  When I want to give up and quit, You refuse to give up or quit on me.  You are faithful, loving, kind and merciful.  Be my strength and rock this day!

Stick A Fork In Me...I'm DONE!

The problem with depression is that one moment you are on top of the world, nothing can get you down and the next, you are being buried under an avalanche and can't find your way out.  I am hurting so badly right now.  I am under the weight of spiritual attack and all those that I once counted on to be my prayer warriors, to stand in the gap for me when I was doing all I could to fight to keep my head above water...are no longer there because of a doctrinal disagreement.  Those who said that they would continue to be there for me and to love me have distanced themselves leaving me to stand alone to fight these attacks...my heart is heavy and it hurts, more because I know that I wouldn't have done that to them. 

My husband chose to allow the enemy to use him to attack me and while he has admitted that he has been a biblical donkey...I have hit ENOUGH...NEVER AGAIN...I refuse to be accused of something that I am not guilty of in order to manipulate me into doing something. 

I just want it all to be over...God please take me home now...I cannot take anymore...I just don't have the strength and as I finish speaking those words, I hear, "My strength is made perfect in your weakness..."I must continue to trust, to hold on to those precious nail scarred hands...grant me grace Lord!

Joy...Happiness...Overflowing!

Had a rough night last night...two asthma attacks, a migraine that caused me to get up and take something twice...but in spite of that, I woke up feeling so happy and ready to get something accomplished.  It has been sooooo long since I have felt this way and it feels WONDERFUL!  I have managed to get some things accomplished early today and even if I don't accomplish another thing...I'm still happy, oh so happy!  So much joy that it is really overflowing...can't stop smiling...just want to shout to the world...I AM HAPPY!  I am blessed beyond measure and so very thankful for the joy that my Savior has placed in my soul...Thank you Jesus for this blessed feeling!

Sometimes God Answers Quickly!

After my last post, my son came home from running his errand and let me know that he had quit his job and that I could go home whenever I was ready.  I spent that last day with him and the grands and enjoyed every moment with them, knowing that in spite of my severe homesickness, I was going to really miss them.  I left the next morning and made the long drive home to surprise my husband.  It is amazing how quickly the fog can disappear. 

God's timing is absolutely perfect.  A week after arriving to help with the kids, I had a major allergy attack that turned into a sinus infection, which moved into my lungs and caused my asthma to pitch a hissy fit.  Didn't realize how sick I was until the night I got home.  I have been in bed for the most part of the last week.  I wouldn't have been able to take care of the kids had I still been at their house.  Even though I do miss them terribly, I am very happy to be home.  The depression hasn't been so heavy this week and the joy/peace that I feel is a welcome respite to everything that has been happening over the last  two months.

Tomorrow I will have my first counseling session in almost a month.  Not even sure what I will need to talk about, but I am ready to get to work and figure myself out so that I can truly be me and not the person that EVERYONE thinks I should be...I must be the girl that God created and must follow His directions wholly.  What He knows of me is far more important than what anyone thinks of me.

Homesick...

I woke up this morning feeling an overwhelming need to just cry.  I am homesick.  I love my grands.  I love my son and daughter-in-law...but I so need to be home with my husband, surrounded by my stuff.  I just wanna go home.  I need answers as to what God wants us to do now.  Where He wants us to be now...I don't like being in limbo.  I don't like feeling at loose ends.  I don't like this stinking depression.  This is going to be a rough day and even the meds aren't exactly helping.  I'm turning into a basket case.  I should probably call my counselor...but struggle with trying to do it on my own.  Ahhhhhh!  I hate this!  God I NEED to hear from YOU!  My son can't figure out why I'm in tears and I can't explain it.  Someone turned the faucet on, it jammed and won't shut off!

Welcome To My Crazy Life!

The dark has given way to light, but the fog has not lifted and can be heavier at some moments while lighter at other moments.  I have had a fairly good morning, in spite of not going to sleep until after 1:00 A.M.  No fights or meltdowns with the grands, spent a good while talking to my oldest son...but now as I finish looking at everything I need to on the computer, I feel the fog rolling in, obscuring the sun, weighing me down and causing me to feel like bursting into tears.  Even this morning, for the first time in a long while, I burst into tears while having a conversation...no rhyme or reason, just did.  I don't like the randomness of depression any more than I like being buried in the blackness.  It can be so frustrating some days.  I even had two awesome devotions this morning and the scriptures were exactly what I needed.  Even though I feel sad, I still feel peace and joy...my life can be such an oxymoron even in the midst of all the insanity...I mean...how can you be sad and happy at the same moment?  I can't explain it...I just know that some days, that is how I feel.  So...welcome to my crazy life...welcome to the nut house!